Candide: A Play in Five Acts. Voltaire

misfire! It’s not going good. They’re shouting but they are not marching. That’s no good for the war! (Noticing Candide who comes in skinny and ragged) Here, I think, is game less able to defend itself. His plumage is dull and his stomach probably empty. Let’s see.

      2nd NCO

      That’s it—let’s spring the trap. (The 1st NCO, followed by the 2nd NCO, advances towards Candide)

      1st NCO

      (To Candide with an engaging smile and a military salute) Greetings, comrade.

      2nd NCO

      Comrade, greetings!

      CANDIDE

      (Civilly removing his hat) Gentlemen, I am indeed your servant.

      1st NCO

      Nice time for a stroll, right comrade?

      CANDIDE

      (Drying his face) A little warm!

      2nd NCO

      A glass of wine wouldn’t be scorned, right, comrade?

      CANDIDE

      (At once tempted and cautious) Oh, sir—

      1st NCO

      With a good slice of Westphalia ham?

      CANDIDE

      From Westphalia—Alas.

      2nd NCO

      Some well marinated, sour cabbage, a bowl of cheese curds—and pastries from Sophia—

      CANDIDE

      (More and more tempted) Alas! Beautiful dream.

      1st NCO

      By God, comrade—We’ll do you justice.

      2nd NCO

      And you will dine with us!

      CANDIDE

      Gentlemen, you do me much honor but I don’t have the wherewithal to pay mine.

      1st NCO

      Ah, sir—men with your look and your deserts—never pay!

      2nd OFFICER

      Aren’t you at least five feet five inches high?

      CANDIDE

      You, sir, that’s my height!

      1st NCO

      Ah, sir—sit yourself down. Not only we will pay for you, but won’t ever suffer a man like you to lack money! Men are made to help each other.

      CANDIDE

      You are right. It’s just like Dr. Pangloss my preceptor always told me, and I see—everything is for the best.

      2nd NCO

      (Passing him a pile of money) That’s why you will please us by accepting these crowns with the effigy of our sovereign, the King of the Bulgars.

      CANDIDE

      Sir, you are indeed honest and I confess to you that such a present eases my circumstances and occurs very apropos—(He takes them) Please to accept all my thanks and allow me to recognize my debt to you by signing a promissory note—

      1st NCO

      What’s that mean? No promissory notes between us—We are not money lenders, but good and brave soldiers. What’s ours is yours, comrade—you will insult us by thinking otherwise.

      CANDIDE

      Gentlemen, gentlemen—I don’t know how to recognize your bounty.

      2nd NCO

      You will thank us sir by doing us justice.—Let’s go—to dine!

      1st NCO

      To dine—Hey—girls—Maritza, Nilchena, Petrovna—Serve us your best wine, your finest ham and your most distinguished provisions. (The servants leave the cabaret to hover around the three men, who’ve taken places at their table.

      1st NCO (serving Candide)

      Eat, young man!

      CANDIDE

      (Devouring the food) Gentlemen officers—I am confused and I didn’t expect.

      2nd NCO

      (Pouring wine) Drink, young man.

      1st NCO

      And know, young foreigner, that Bulgarian hospitality is proverbial.

      CANDIDE

      (With his mouth full) I’m noticing—I would like to be able to thank you suitably.

      2nd NCO

      Don’t thank us. What we are doing is quite natural.

      1st NCO

      Because we love you tenderly.

      CANDIDE

      (A bit surprised) Ah, really?

      2nd NCO

      And you, comrade, don’t you love tenderly?

      CANDIDE

      Oh!—Yes—I love Miss Cunegonde tenderly—who is the most beautiful of women. But, Alas! I never see her anymore, for having embraced her, I was ignominiously kicked out of the Château of Thunder-ten-Tronckh—the most beautiful of castles—by my uncle, one of the most powerful lords of Westphalia.

      1st NCO

      That’s quite possible—But it’s not a question of Miss Cunegonde. We are asking you if you don’t tenderly love the King of the Bulgars.

      CANDIDE

      Not at all, for I’ve never seen him.

      2nd NCO

      What! He’s the most charming of Kings. You must drink to his health.

      CANDIDE

      Oh! Very willingly, gentlemen, since that is so agreeable to you. (Rising and lifting his glass) To the health of the King of the Bulgars. (Drinks)

      1st NCO

      (Rising) That’s enough, you will support him, sustain him, defend him—The hero of the Bulgars—your fortune is made and your glory is assured.

      CANDIDE

      (Astonished) How can that be? Because I drank?

      2nd NCO

      Yes, young man! That toast has the value of a solemn oath. You are enrolled in the glorious Bulgarian army.

      CANDIDE

      Pardon, gentlemen, but I am Westphalian, and I have no intention of serving the King of the Bulgars. (The 1st NCO goes into the cabaret and emerges with a military cap which he places on Candide’s head, a shoulder belt which he passes to him and a rifle which he wants Candide to hold between his arms) Ah, allow me, gentlemen. I protest.

      2nd NCO

      About what? Mutiny, already? You will catch it my boy. (Puts handcuffs on him)

      1st NCO

      Silence—and you’ve got to march right or failing that a flogging. (A military march is heard approaching. The Glorious Bulgarian army makes its entry to the acclamations of the crowd accompanying it. The two NCO’s encircle Candide who struggling takes his place in the line.)

      COMMANDER’S VOICE

      Halt! Left face!

      CROWD

      Long live the army!

      COMMANDER

      Port arms! Present arms!

      CROWD

      Long live The King! (The imposing King makes his entry surrounded by a brilliant cortege of officers.