Congreve's Comedy of Manners. William Congreve

return for saving that spendthrift from prison for debt, I have made him agree to renounce his inheritance in favor of his brother Ben. Body oh me, I’m so glad to be revenged on this unnatural rogue.

      Foresight

      Let me see—so it is. When was this signed? You should have consulted me as to the time.

      Sampson

      No matter for the time. It’s signed.

      Foresight

      But the time is all important.

      Sampson

      Brother Foresight, leave superstition. Pox on the time. There’s no time like the present.

      Foresight

      You are very ignorant.

      Sampson

      If the sun shine by day and the stars by night—why, we shall know one another without the help of a candle—and that’s all the stars are good for.

      Foresight

      How, how? Give me leave to contradict you. You are an ignorant agnostic and skeptic.

      Sampson

      Ignorant! Why, I have traveled the globe and seen the antipodes where the sun rises at midnight and sets at noon.

      Foresight

      But I can tell you that I have traveled in the celestial spheres, known the signs and the planets and their houses. Can judge of motions, direct and retrograde. Know whether life shall be long or short, happy or unhappy, if journeys shall be prosperous, undertakings successful, or stolen goods recovered. Furthermore, I know—

      Sampson

      And I know the length of the Emperor of China’s foot! And I have made a cuckold of a king. Body oh me, the present Majesty of Bantam is the issue of these loins!

      Foresight

      I know when braggarts lie or speak the truth, even when they don’t know it themselves.

      Sampson

      I have known an astrologer made a cuckold in the twinkling of a star; and seen a conjuror that could not keep the devil out of his wife’s circle—ha, Old Wizard. Old Galileo.

      Foresight

      Do you mean my wife, Sir Sampson? By the body of the sun—

      Sampson

      By the horns of the moon, you would say, Brother Capricorn.

      Foresight

      Capricorn in your teeth, Liar. Take back your inheritance and put your son Ben back to sea. I’ll wed my daughter Prue to an Egyptian mummy before she shall incorporate with the son of one who scoffs at science.

      Sampson

      Body oh me, I have gone too far. I must not provoke Copernicus too much. An Egyptian mummy is an illustrious creature, my trusty hieroglyphic, and may have significations about him. What, thou art not angry for a jest, my Good Kepler. I would Ben were an Egyptian mummy for your sake. I reverence the sun, the moon, and the stars with all my heart.

      Foresight

      Well, why didn’t you say so?

      Sampson

      I love to jest. Now I think on it, I have the foot of an Egyptian mummy that I purloined from one of the pyramids when I was last in Egypt having an affair with the Pasha’s wife. You shall have it.

      Foresight

      But, what do you know of my wife, Sir Sampson?

      Sampson

      Your wife is a constellation of virtues; she’s the moon and you are the man in the moon. I was but in jest. (aside) A more shameless whore never lived.

      (Sir Sampson and Foresight exit. Enter Mrs. Frail and Lady Froth at another door.)

      Mrs. Frail

      Indeed, madame! Is it possible your ladyship was so much in love?

      Lady Froth

      I could not sleep; I did not sleep for three weeks together.

      Mrs. Frail

      Prodigious! I wonder, want of sleep and so much love, and so much wit, as your ladyship has did not turn your brain.

      Lady Froth

      Oh, my dear Frail, you must tease your friend. But really, I wonder too. But I had a way. For between you and I, I had whimsies and vapors but I gave them vent.

      Mrs. Frail

      How?

      Lady Froth

      Oh, I writ, writ abundantly. Do you never write?

      Mrs. Frail

      Write what?

      Lady Froth

      Songs, elegies, satires, panegyrics, lampoons, plays and heroic poems.

      Mrs. Frail

      Oh Lord, not I.

      Lady Froth

      Oh, inconsistent, in love and not write! If my lord and I had been both of your temper, we had not come together. Bless me, what a sad thing that would have been.

      Mrs. Frail

      Then neither of you would ever have met with your match.

      Lady Froth

      Very true. I think he wants nothing but a blue ribbon and a star to make him shine the very phosphorus of our hemisphere. Do you understand those hard words? If no, I’ll explain them to you.

      Mrs. Frail.

      Yes, yes, I’m not so ignorant. (aside) At least I won’t own it to be troubled with your instruction.

      Lady Froth

      But I’m amazed you don’t write. How can your amant believe you love him?

      Mrs. Frail

      Oh, I have a way of showing him that leaves no doubt. But, Lady Froth, you must see my new dress. I had it brought from Paris.

      Lady Froth

      I shall be delighted. But, you really don’t write?

      (They go out. Enter Lady Foresight at another door, followed by Maskwell. Lady Foresight is an aging, but still beautiful woman. At the moment she is in a rage. Maskwell is trying to placate her.)

      Lady Foresight

      I’ll hear no more. You are false and ungrateful. Come, I know you are false.

      Maskwell

      I have been frail in your ladyship’s service—

      Lady Foresight

      That I should trust a man who had betrayed his friend—

      Maskwell

      What friend have I betrayed or to whom?

      Lady Foresight

      Valentine—and to me. Can you deny it?

      Maskwell

      I do not.

      Lady Foresight

      And have you not wronged my husband? And in the highest manner—in his bed?

      Maskwell

      With your ladyship’s help and assistance. I can’t deny that either. Anything more, madame?

      Lady Foresight

      More! Have you not dishonored me?

      Maskwell

      No, that I deny; for I never told a soul. So that accusation is answered. On to the next, for I see you have more.

      Lady Foresight

      Insolent