Gold Mouth. Hannah D. McClendon

      I dedicate this book to all of the tribulations

      That have brought me this far.

       This book is not a cry for help, this book is a testimony, a story; a work of art.

Chapters. Pain.

      Grown Men Don't Cry.

      Something was missing in you;

      I saw the look in your eyes

      as I told you I couldn't do it anymore,

      I never meant to hurt you

      but I have to put myself first sometimes,

      your eyes were glossy,

      bloodshot,

      you looked right through me;

      I could tell they were lying,

      when they said grown men don't cry

      I was sick of lying to please you

      it’s not my job to tease you; it's hers,

      she’s exactly what I’m not,

      I’m confused,

      I’m honestly just going through it

      I can't explain my thoughts about you,

      I’m sick and I need time to get better

      my mind is wounded, give me time to heal

      Loving you as a friend drives me crazy;

      I wanna love you for real,

      you mean too much to me,

      we’re too close; I need a break

      I need some space; cut me a break,

      I’m sick of always acting fake

      you’re not a brother

      you're like a father to me,

      you could read my lies through my lips as I spoke

      so softly as not to slit your throat,

      I regret my choice of words but I don't regret my choice,

      I apologize if you never understood my intentions

      if you never realize that I despise our status

      I sat not across from you but adjacent,

      I’m afraid one day you'll replace me with a better friend,

      someone who knows how to be a good friend,

      I don't know how to treat a man and

      you sat there listening so patiently

      My words burning through your chest as fire

      my words soaking through your veins like poison

      your body was with me but your soul had gone on,

      I killed a part of you I didn't want to deal with anymore,

      it was time for us to sort out our emotions alone

      as in on our own because I can't do this with you,

      I love you like a father and I don't wanna say goodbye,

      I know they were lying when they said grown men don't cry

      Nostalgia.

      My brain has reached its full capacity

      my heart follows close behind,

      night rain only brings tears

      from memories I left behind

      The pain I get every time I see

      your arm around a different girl,

      every time I see your arm

      it’s around a different girl

      We’re living in different worlds;

      I heard you have a different girl

      as often as the months change

      although my feelings never have

      I curse your name during the day

      I praise you in my dreams

      they come alive;

      they seem realer than my reality,

      I’m so unprofessional because

      I hate how much you don’t need me,

      I know you don’t ever think about me

      as often I as I think about you,

      I’ve been in my feelings lately,

      I suppress the stress,

      the emotions that flood my mind daily,

      Just to fall asleep

      having my mind rage with passion,

      it’s full of irrational beliefs

      I cannot contain myself,

      I totally despise myself for still

      loving

      watching

      praying,

      believing in you

      even though you never believed in me,

      I can’t let these feelings of nostalgia go,

      I’m afraid of what it’s like to not love you anymore

      Bloom.

      You killed the sweetest parts of me,

      and now you have to watch me bloom

      - Surprise

      To Science.

      When I die

      donate my mind to science,

      it’s not something

      like they’ve ever seen before

      Safe Haven.

      I’m not your safe haven anymore,

      stop coming around me

      - Keep out

      Weakness.

      A self-righteous fool!

      you spit in my face

      after I kiss yours,

      Over and over

      until I can’t take anymore,

      Your resources run dry,

      you come running

      begging,

      for forgiveness,

      forgiving is my weakness

      Mirroring.

      Personality mirroring so exquisite,

      watch how fast I can become you

      Waiting.

      I care about you,

      you care about me more than

      I care about myself,

      I try to live recklessly

      you’re the one still pulling me into safety

      I love your compassion;

      your ability to diminish my rash activities,

      caring about others

      more than