SeVeNtHiRtY. TL Banks

know I have twenty years on you, and I know I’m not really a mistress and I know the way I feel is irrational and there is no reason for you to be here, you are not going to give me what I want and even though you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen, get out.

       Most of that was in my head, the only thing that I could actually utter was get out. Without much fuss at all and in the middle of an acid buzz he took off and I just set there, defeated. Of course the entire time the ex was blowing up my phone. Messages for hours about how he is the best thing for me, that he will fight for me, that he forgives me. Its so sick. Somehow he feels superior to me in such a way that his forgiveness is supposed to mean something.

      So now I am here.

       I am here and I am writing this down because I don’t believe it happened.

       I had to apologize to the boy, this is not how I wanted him to remember me forever. But now I know I have to fully let both of them go, the ex is not my friend or my lover or anyone important to me at all and using him to get my way makes me a monster.

      The boy is young and needs to see and experience the world and I am not the tour guide for that and being around him makes me a clingy puddle of nothing so he too has to go for his own good. He is the best worst thing I have ever known.

      I have no other option but to write it down so that I don’t forget to never do it again. The ex is not in love, he is a possessive loser.

      The boy is not in love, he is just trying to experience life.

       I am not in love, I am just obsessing over a man I have turned into an object and therefore I too am nothing more than a possessive loser. I wish that I was making this shit up because if it were fiction then I could be considered to be a brilliant writer. But all I am is a scribe, retelling actual events that I couldn’t invent if I tried to. It’s a story about love. But there is no one in love in the story.