All the Other Days. Jack Hartley

on the subject of schizophrenia showing a man being strangled by his own arms and getting hung. I love to draw dark things because I think this kind of stuff is often ignored. It’s as though because it’s bad we shouldn’t talk about it. I just find it so fascinating how the brain can change a person completely and how they can become a prisoner trapped inside their own mind controlled by voices that are created within them. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we’re all a little bit schizophrenic having conversations with ourselves in our head. Not to the extent in which it takes over our whole lives, but with the conversations. I know I’m constantly talking to myself going over every possible scenario before I do something. It’s like our conscience is another personality we all carry with us which helps us to make sense of things as it’s constantly thinking and taking in everything that happens in our lives.

      Arthur sits with me at lunch on the field which is nice because I haven’t hung out with him here for a while. He always has something on at lunch times.

      ‘How was your weekend, dude?’ he asks with the cheeky look he has when he’s done something he wants to tell me.

      ‘Yeah, wasn’t too bad. Just stayed in and drew. How about you?’

      ‘Yeah, mine was good. I got pretty fucked up at this party and ended up getting with this girl, but I passed out in her bed and woke up with writing all over my face. So good weekend all round,’ he says as he laughs.

      ‘Sounds like another successful night out finding a girlfriend.’

      ‘How’s the lady hunt going for you?’ he asks as he punches my arm.

      ‘Same as always, not really at all. But, I saw this girl in the weekend at the beach, and she was gorgeous. I think she’s our age, but I’ve never seen her at our school before.’

      ‘Well, I doubt she came here for a holiday. She might have just started her or something?’

      ‘Yeah maybe, I don’t know.’

      ‘Well, let’s keep an eye out for ya.’

      ‘She’s well out of my league though, man.’

      ‘That doesn’t matter. As long as you talk like you’re in the same league, you’re in the same league, trust me,’ he says nodding his head like he’s God’s gift to women.

      I wish I had the confidence that he has when it comes to girls, but I just don’t. When I watch films, the girls always like the bad guy, the one who could get them in trouble but somehow always has a way out of it. But I’m not like that. I’m scared. Scared of failing and just scared of messing up, so I usually just don’t bother. I guess he’s right though. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been the best when it comes to girls, because I just count myself out before I even try.

      I haven’t been to the park for a few days now, so I decide to walk past there on the way home. As I look over to my usual seat across the park, I notice someone sitting there. The closer I walk towards it, the clearer it becomes that this is my lucky day. I realise it’s the girl from the beach and my dreams. I stop for a second because I don’t know if I should walk over there or not, or what I would even say. What if she’s nothing like I’ve imagined her to be? What if she has an annoying voice or a boyfriend? Boyfriend? Why are you even worrying about that? You’ve seen her face for all of two seconds, and that’s what you’re worried about? The conversation goes over in my head until I feel something in the back of my mind saying, ‘Fuck it’. It’s almost like Arthur is telling me what to do, but maybe I should take a page out of his book for once and do what he does. I’ve got nothing to lose here. I feel my legs start to move towards the seat and before I know it, I’m standing in front of her. She’s wearing light blue Levis jeans with ripped black Chuck Taylors, a white T-shirt tucked in and a big green army bomber jacket. She looks like the coolest girl ever.

      ‘Hey, do you mind if I sit next to you?’ I ask. She doesn’t hear me at first and then I realise it’s because she has her earphones on.

      She looks up startled at me. ‘Shit, you gave me a fright!’

      ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to. Do you mind if sit here?’

      ‘Yeah, sure thing.’

      We sit there both quiet and all I’m thinking of is what to say next. She pulls her earphones out and looks over at me.

      ‘Sorry, you look really familiar. Do you go to St Barnabas High?’ she asks.

      ‘Yeah, I sure do. Do you?’

      ‘Yeah, I’m new round here. I think I’ve seen you at lunch times on the field?’

      I smile at her and laugh, ‘Yeah that sounds about right, by myself?’

      She looks into my eyes for the first time, and it’s just like I imagined it would be. They hold me there like I’m hypnotised. I can’t move mine away from hers, nor do I want to take my eyes off of her. She’s absolutely beautiful. Everything about her face makes me want to smile, the way her big green eyes glisten in the light, the way her lips curve as she speaks. My head starts to race at a million miles an hour. As if my mind wasn’t filled with thoughts of her already, now I know that she’s real. It’s all I want to my head to be filled with.

      Stuck in a trance, she speaks back to me, ‘Yeah that must be it. Anyway, I’m Kate. What’s your name?’

      ‘I’m Judd!’ I blurt out. ‘How come you’re sitting here?’

      She looks away from me and moves her eyes across the field as she answers, ‘My parents were fighting, so just needed to get away. How about you?’ she asks.

      ‘I know that feeling,’ I say, leaning back in the seat and resting my leg on top of my knee, trying to look cool. ‘Just needed to clear my head. This is my favourite spot in this whole town. I always come here.’

      It goes silent for a moment, and I worry she thinks I’m a bit of a dork trying to sound mysterious. My brain starts punishing me for my poor attempts at conversation. Why couldn’t I say something interesting? I wait for her to speak again, and then luckily she does, because I don’t want the conversation to end.

      ‘Well, I quite happen to like this spot too. Might see you more often here, then?’

      A big grin comes over my face. ‘Yeah I hope so. It was nice meeting you, but I better go. My Mom’s got dinner ready. I’ll see you at school?’

      ‘Yeah, you sure will. I’ll come and say hi next time I see you out on that field.’

      I walk away from the park with the biggest grin on my face, so big that when I try to shake my head of the magnitude of everything that has happened it stays there, unable to leave me. I talked to her and she was real — just like in my dream, only more beautiful. As soon as I know I’m out of her sight, I run home frantically to go and draw the missing pieces of her face I couldn’t draw from memory the last two times I’ve seen her. I knew those moments meant something. There must be a reason why my brain chose to pick up on those few seconds and not the other 86,400 in a day.

      Judd

      Day 3

      The bell rings at the end of fourth period for lunch, so I rush to the field. For once, I hope Arthur doesn’t show up because I want to see her again, and I know if he’s there I’ll go quiet like I always do. I know he’s my friend, but he’s a lot more charming than I am, so she’d probably end up liking him. I sit down with my lunch and pull out my salami sandwiches from my bag, hoping to see Kate. The field starts to fill up with all the students, and it soon becomes a chaotic sea like the bus in the mornings. As I look across the field scanning my eyes about, trying to see her, I hear a soft voice from behind me.

      ‘I was hoping you’d be here,’ it says. I turn around and she’s standing there. All of the noise in the background stops, and I feel my brain sitting still for once. My mind can focus, and it’s stuck on her like a scratched CD replaying the same part of the song over and over.

      ‘I’m glad to see you,’ I say excitedly.