Little Cat. Tamara Faith Berger

on the street, it didn’t matter. I stopped thinking about everybody else. I was paralyzed. What was playing so clear in my head – my face at his stomach, my mouth on his cock, sucking and staying so near to his skin – this kind of vision was swelling me up and then when I saw him I clenched like a fist.

      All he wanted was sex from my mouth. Then sometimes we did it me up on top of him moving too fast, and sometimes we did it him pushing behind me, me arching my back, my face in the bed. My whole body ached like this thing that could crack. My heart was a bargain-priced dim plate of glass.

      I knew for sure that things were really going to hurt me the first time we did it, sex in my ass. The guy had told me that he’d wanted to do that with me ever since he first saw me. My ass is kind of plump and it moves in circles when I fuck. I was always scared of having sex there because men usually hurt me when they put their fingers in there. I swear, I thought that if I let this guy do it to me in the ass I’d be this open-assed dog howling forever! I mean, I knew I was in for some kind of trouble that night because I’d been dancing up close to other guys at the club.

      ‘You’re a slut,’ the guy said when we got back to his place.

      ‘I’m sorry. Come on. It was nothing. Look, I’m sorry.’

      ‘You saying sorry means nothing to me.’

      I don’t remember what I tried to say next. His voice was so mean. I remember him unbuckling his belt. It slithered between his palms. The guy got so livid, his eye whites turned red.

      ‘Take off your dress and your underwear,’ he said.

      ‘Come on, don’t.’

      ‘Do it.’

      ‘I can’t.’

      ‘Do it.’

      He’d backed me up against the door. There was a lump in my throat that was going to burst. My teeth were clenched. I didn’t want the guy to see me cry. So I started slowly taking off my clothes. He was so close to me. He was looking all over. I was cradling my body with my arms trying to hide myself.

      ‘Please,’ I was begging. ‘Don’t.’

      ‘I’ve had it from you.’

      For some reason we both knew what kind of thing was going on between us. He was seething and I was making these pressed-together cries. His hands took my wrists and he dragged me into the living room. Then he reached under my arms, gripped me like a child and pretty much forced me down on a chair on top of him. I was hanging like a dishrag over his thighs. I made my whole body go as limp as it could on his legs. I was shivering, afraid I was going to piss. My stomach was pressing into his knees. He tore down my underwear. My ass felt huge and cold. It was right there for him. The belt was whipping above me like a flame.

      ‘Don’t hurt me! Please!’ I was choking and trying to kick back or shimmy my legs. My underwear was not all the way down. My underwear made me hog-tied.

      The man let the belt crack down on my ass. It was like a magician cutting through a lady’s neck. I froze. I really froze. And I heard myself cry. But it didn’t feel like I was making real noise. I wanted to tell the man to stop it. I wanted to tell him to put his tongue on my ass, to put it right where it hurt. He kept whipping my big white behind with that belt. I humped on his knee trying to get away.

      ‘Stop!’

      I was stuck.

      ‘Please!’

      I squeezed my eyes. My fingers, my toes were spasming like fish.

      The man pushed me off him and onto the floor. I was wobbling there, a runt, on my hands and my knees. My ass cheeks were naked, all tilted up. I tried to look back at him through teary fuzzy eyes. We were in the middle of the living room. His house. His TV. His books. His rules. The guy was looming over me. My hand went down between my thighs. I was trying so hard to hold myself in. I didn’t know why I was wet.

      Suddenly the guy reached down for my hair. He grabbed it and pulled me like the runt that I was down the hallway. We stopped at the mirror beside his bedroom. When I saw myself I started breathing so fast. My cheeks were bright red. My eyes were running black.

      ‘God. God. God. Everything hurts … ’

      I think the guy must’ve felt sorry for me right then. He sank down to his knees behind me. For one second I saw his face and he was looking at what he did to my ass. Then he moved his mouth down there. He put his lips right where he’d hit. It was making more heat burn all over my skin. The side of my face was pressed up against the mirror.

      Then, without letting go of my ass, he lay on his back underneath my thighs. He brought his face up toward my pussy and he pulled me by the hips down to him. It was the first time that he’d ever done that. It felt too good, his lips kissing near my clit, his tongue coming out, his whole head moving, he was doing it so fast. I’d never felt myself move like that. I was moving so fast in time to him. I couldn’t control myself. I was buzzing all over, it was leaving from my throat. Then still too fast, the guy slid out from under me. I couldn’t feel his lips anymore. I wanted more. He was up there behind me. We were still in the hallway. I could smell the kitchen and his bed. The guy’s hard body pushed up against my ass. He was rubbing the head of his cock on my asshole and gripping my hips. I was rocking into him and he thought that I wanted it, but I just couldn’t stop it, my hot ass moving in circles and circles. Inside my throat the buzzing was just getting louder. I thought I was screaming: No! No! No!

      ‘It’s okay,’ the guy said. ‘Shhhh!’

      My elbows weakened. My mouth touched the floor. My ass moved up in the air like a dog’s. It felt like the buzzing mass in my throat was going to fall, smear the ground with something thick. The guy was spreading my cheeks. He wasn’t going to stop. I felt the air blow over my asshole. My cunt was getting so big underneath.

      ‘That’s it, shake your ass.’

      A weird grunt raced out of my throat. I knew he could see me.

      ‘Just wait! Wait! Please!’

      ‘Shhhhhh! Let me do it.’

      I was shaking my head side to side. I felt the belt slaps on my ass spark like wires.

      ‘Wait!’

      My ass was starting to let in his cock. It was unbearable, stinging so deep.

      ‘Careful, careful, careful, please!’

      ‘Shhhhhh!’

      He leaned his face toward me, he breathed through my ears. His cock was burning the walls of my ass. I was stuffed like that to the end of all ends. My teeth on the floor. Him scraping my hole, slow in and out, my muscles were ripping, he kept pumping and pumping. I tried to move out. I was suspended like that. A rabbit stuck in a wolf’s mouth. I was hanging and I kept wanting him to fuck me, but I knew he had to stop. I thought he was going to kill me like that. I don’t know, maybe if he had said something then, like: I know how you like it, I know that you like this … But the way that he fucked me, just that, in and out, all I could think of was how was I going to take pleasure?

      Well, it went on like that between me and this man. All the time I kept doing it, all the time asking how. I was scraped out, teetering on one tiny line, loving him, sucking him. I just kept on. Having sex where I felt like I was drowning and he was floating over me with a life jacket laughing. It was like I heard him thinking every time we fucked:

      I will never love you or your sex.

      I will never love you or your sex.

      I will never love you or your sex.

      I’m embarrassed to tell you what happened next. I know I must really look like a fool now. It’s not easy for me to tell you what I’m going to tell you, but I can’t skip this part. Please wait, understand: I was trying to see if I could love a man! Just wait. Please. I want you to stay with me until it’s all over.

      I’d been out dancing at a club with some