Chicago Stories - Growing Up In the Windy City. Thomas Walsh

Ron and John. He saw that they were on the verge of bursting out laughing. Father Collins was already opening the gate in the communion rail so Tim had no choice but to rush forward to catch up. Ron and John followed, quieting down in the rush. They stood on opposite sides of the casket in the main aisle facing each other while Father Collins and Tim went through the ritual of blessing the casket with the incense burner.

      Facing each other was too much for Ron and John. After looking everywhere but at each other, their eyes finally met. John burst out laughing. Father halted the blessing in midsentence. He looked in shocked disbelief at John and Ron, who dissolved into uncontrollable laughter on either side of the casket. Tim glanced around the church at the mourners. They stood in dead-still silence with frozen expressions of horror and sadness. Father snapped to and finished the prayer. He moved back up the aisle to the altar pushing John in front of him and motioning for Ron to follow. Tim brought up the rear in a hasty retreat to the altar.

      Father Collins herded the altar boys into the sacristy. His usual calm and cool demeanor was gone. He was very angry. In as controlled a voice as he could muster, he told Ron and John that they would not be needed for the rest of the service.

      “Go change and leave now! I had better not hear a peep out of you. Sister Mary Rose will hear about your deplorable behavior.”

      John and Ron, who had stopped laughing and snickering on the walk back to the altar stood with eyes downcast; fear and apprehension written on their faces.

      Almost in unison they said, “Yes Father. Sorry Father. We didn’t mean it Father.”

      Father Collins raised his arm and pointed for them to leave.

      “Go. I have no time for this. I need to finish the funeral service.”

      Ron and John slunk off with their eyes glued to the floor fearful of the punishment they would receive from Sister Mary Rose.

      The following Monday at school John and Ron were called to Sister Mary Rose’s office. When they returned their eyes were swollen from tears. Sister’s voice could be heard down the hall yelling at them for their “heathen behavior”. They were kicked out of altar boys. Worse, they had to return the next day with their parents to apologize to Father Collins.

      Ron and John were told to stay away from each other in school and church to prevent a recurrence of their intolerable behavior. Ron was forbidden to make any more bodily noises. He was never heard farting again.

      After the episode with Ron and John, Tim was assigned to services with some other classmates and underclassmen. The younger altar boys were hazed and harassed by the older boys. A time honored ritual. Tim and his classmates took special perverse pleasure in making life miserable for a boy named Bob. Bob was an average looking kid. There was nothing obvious about him that piqued the older boys’ interest in harassing him. What fed the frenzy to make Bob suffer was his unabashed sucking up to the nuns and priests, especially when it resulted in him being chosen for a special service over an older altar boy.

      Bob learned his irritating behavior from his parents. They were wealthy people living in a lower middle class parish. They flaunted their fine clothing and jewelry before and after mass. They enjoyed the attention of the nuns and priests, who were well aware of their generous donations and special gifts at Christmas and Easter. Bob’s parents cultivated the friendship of the priests and nuns. They were not bashful to seek favors in return.

      Tim and two other boys from his class, George and Joe, were assigned a Saturday wedding. They were surprised to see Bob was the fourth server when they arrived at the sacristy to change. The upper classmen pushed Bob around a bit to make sure he knew who was in charge. Bob whined and resisted a little, but he shut up as soon as Father Mullen came in from the rectory to change.

      Father Mullen was the least popular of the priests with the altar boys. He was not friendly. Father Mullen seemed to always find fault with something the altar boys did. He was a big physical man who never seemed to smile. Tim had seen him deliberately push altar boys when they were in his way, or did not move fast enough to suit him. The boys gave Father Mullen a wide berth. Whenever he asked for anything they always answered “Yes Father” in the blink of an eye.

      The wedding was a joyous occasion. The bride was beautiful and the groom was beaming. The church was awash in flowers. Families dressed in their Sunday best filled both sides of the aisle. After the service the Best Man popped into the sacristy to leave an envelope for Father and a crisp five dollar bill for each of the boys. This made the boys very happy, so that even after Father Mullen told them they had to stay and straighten up the sacristy their spirits were still high.

      Straightening up the sacristy after a service included putting sacred objects, unused wine and unconsecrated hosts back in the walk-in safe. Usually the priest who celebrated the service assigned an altar boy to see that the safe was closed and locked when they were done. Normally, the boy selected was an upper classman like Tim, but today Father Mullen picked Bob; probably because he knew Bob’s parents. This was not well received by Tim, George and Joe. But, they knew better than to question Father Mullen.

      After Father Mullen returned to the rectory, the older boys turned on Bob. They pushed and shoved and tripped him as they went back and forth straightening up the sacristy and returning items to the safe.

      He was called all sorts of names – “suck-up”, “kiss-ass”, “mamma’s- boy”.

      When they were done cleaning up Tim, George and Joe pushed Bob back and forth between them. Somehow Bob was pushed into the safe, and without thinking Tim slammed the door shut.

      A muffled scream came from the safe, “Let me out of here”.

      The older boys all laughed and taunted Bob, threatening to leave him in the safe. Bob begged and pleaded and began to cry. Realizing that they had had enough fun, Tim turned the handle to let Bob out. But, the safe did not open!

      Tim jiggled the handle without success. George and Joe each tried but failed. Behind the door Bob sobbed uncontrollably. Somehow the tumbler in the lock had moved when the door was slammed. It should not have happened but it did! The three older boys looked at each other at a loss as to what to do.

      After exchanging expressions of fear - “Oh shit”, “What are we going to do now”, “Father is going to kill us”, Tim finally came up with a plan.

      All three of them would go the rectory and tell Father Mullen that Bob had accidentally locked himself in the safe. Bob pulled the door shut to see what it was like in the safe, and somehow it locked behind him. The boys got Bob to stop sobbing long enough to hear the plan. They told him he had better go along with the story or they would get even with him. In between blubbering and gasping to catch his breath Bob said he agreed. The boys made him swear to it.

      He sniffled, “I swear”.

      Tom, George and Joe went to the rectory door on the other side of the sacristy and knocked quietly. After a few minutes they knocked again. The door finally opened to reveal Mrs. Connor, a kindly old lady who cooked and kept house for the priests.

      “What is it boys?” she asked.

      Tim spoke up, “We need to speak with Father Mullen.”

      “Can I tell him what this about?” she said.

      Tim looked around at George and Joe and said, “There is a problem in the sacristy that he needs to take a look at,” said Tim.

      “Well I’ll see if he is available. Just wait here.” She closed the door. Her steps faded as she walked away.

      A short time later Father Mullen opened the door and stepped into the doorway towering over them. He had a scowl on his face.

      “What is it boys? I’m very busy.”

      Almost in unison the three boys told the agreed story tripping over each other, repeating one another in disjointed phrases – “He wanted to see what it was like.” “He didn’t mean any harm.” “The door locked by accident.”

      Father Mullen’s eyes grew wide and his face contorted