Vladimir Putin: Life Coach. Rob Sears

      

      ROB SEARS has written comedy and fiction for McSweeney’s and is the author of hit humour title The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump. He lives in Finsbury Park with his wife Grace. TOM SEARS is a London-based illustrator whose works has appeared in the Guardian, The Times, two zoos and on an ice cream van.

      Also by Rob Sears

       The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump

      First published in Great Britain, the USA and Canada in 2018

      by Canongate Books Ltd, 14 High Street, Edinburgh EH1 1TE

      Distributed in the USA by Publishers Group West and in Canada by Publishers Group Canada

       canongate.co.uk

      This digital edition first published in 2018 by Canongate Books

      Copyright © Rob Sears, 2018

      Illustrations copyright © Tom Sears, 2018

      The moral right of the author has been asserted

      British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available on request from the British Library

      ISBN 978 1 78689 469 4

      eISBN 978 1 78689 470 0

      Typeset in Archer by Palimpsest Book Production Ltd, Falkirk, Stirlingshire

      CONTENTS

       Foreword: A Word of Warning

       How to Make Friends and Influence Elections

       You to the Power of Putin

       The Twelve Tactics of Highly Ruthless People

       From the Kremlin to Your Cubicle

       Advanced Reputation Hacking

       Afterword

       Endnotes

       Acknowledgements

      FOREWORD

       A WORD OF WARNING

      We had to think long and hard before deciding to unleash Vladimir Putin: Life Coach on the world.

      The potential risks are great. Imagine a world full of mini-Vlads, pumped up on tips and tactics learned from this book. Your workmates. Your grandma. The smiley woman who checks your card at the gym. All plotting to establish dominion over you and each other, and increase control of their little corner of the planet.

      It’s a nightmare scenario that no one would want on their conscience.

      On the other hand, most ordinary people are surely too feckless, hapless and aimless to go full Putin. The likes of us can’t plan twenty minutes ahead, let alone contemplate developing homebrew Novichok in the fridge.¹ Couldn’t we benefit from just a soupçon of the Russian leader’s strategic mindset and leadership ability, without becoming a threat to our communities?

      In the end, rather than simply publish and be damned, we have decided to pass the dilemma onto you, the reader.

      If you believe you (or the person you’re buying this book for) might be a proto-Putin – perhaps already with a ruthless streak or habit of stirring up nationalist fervour in your cat – we ask you to put this book down now. The dangers of empowering your inner Vlad any further are just too great.

      But if you’re a harmless goose who lacks any of the wiliness and willpower of the Russian leader, it should be safe for you to read on. In fact, Putin’s example might be just what you need to help you get your act together, stop others from taking advantage of you, and pursue some long-term goals for once in your life.

      And if you’re still unsure whether it’s safe to proceed, the following short quiz may help you decide.

       How Putin are you?

      Q1. What’s your favourite game?

      A. Checkers

      B. Chess

      C. Five-dimensional poker with human beings instead of cards and the fate of nations as table stakes

      Q2. Do you rent or own your home?

      A. Rent

      B. Own

      C. I’ve taken over a bit of someone else’s house, but we don’t need to talk about that

      Q3. A friend tells you a secret. What do you do?

      A. Keep it to myself, as I promised them I would

      B. Yay, gossip

      C. Store the new asset in my dossier of secrets until its usefulness exceeds my friend’s

      Q4. How do you keep fit?

      A. I have a dancercise app on my phone but the ads are really annoying

      B. Running

      C. My workout partner dresses up as a bear and we wrestle for three hours every day

      Q5. Your American friends want to go for pizza but you’re in the mood for Chinese. What do you do?

      A. The pizza place is fine, I can just have a side salad

      B. Agree to eat separately and meet up for drinks later

      C. Take out ads on their Facebook feeds showing Hillary Clinton French-kissing a musclebound Satan with the caption ‘Pizza is for cucks’

      Q6. It’s your first day in a new job. Do you:

      A. Blend in and avoid drawing any attention to myself

      B. Be professional and assertive; they didn’t hire me to be a bystander

      C. Impress everyone by charging in half dressed, with a crossbow, on a dromedary (or whatever other large mammal is available)

       Mostly As: You are zero per cent Putin and can read on without putting the world at risk. You might even become a more dynamic person by following Putin’s real-life example.

       Mostly Bs: Looks like you’re a pretty balanced individual, but you may have a trace of Putin in you. Proceed with caution – and stop straight away if you notice yourself interlacing your fingers and inwardly scheming for more than fifteen minutes per day.

      Mostly Cs: You’re already a proto-Putin. We can’t stop you – perhaps no one can – but for the future of the planet, we implore you to put this book in the recycling bin without reading any further.

      Whatever your score, if you decide to read on, please be aware that neither the author nor publisher are able to accept liability for any hacked elections, foreign invasions, democratic backsliding or nuclear stand-offs that may occur as a result of this book.

      HOW