Fred's Amazing Holiday. Ian Higgins

or The Black Hills of Dakota? ... Better get on with the sums. Mensuration. What an awful word, what’s the point?

      Wonder where I will be this time tomorrow night? ... Could catch the express train to Sydney ... Go to the Zoo. See Aunty Elsie. That’ll give Aunty Ruth and Aunty Dot something to think about; once they find out. Aunty Ruth will say, “Always knew he was trouble.” She always says that just cos. I am the oldest around here and so I’m to blame, when the littler kids do something wrong. Lucky, I was not in the old chook house on a perch like everybody else, when Charlie did his famous no-clothes-on-dancing-dick dance. So lucky... ough... Charlie got a belting, when his Dad found out. I know Gran laughed and Mum said that it wasn’t funny and she doesn’t know what children are coming to. Maybe it would have been smart, if Gran left it at that, instead of saying to Mum, “I suppose you never did anything wrong.” That kept the conversation going. Hammer and tongs.

      “Oh! Mum! Didn’t see you ... at the door!”

      “Dare say you didn’t! Not daydreaming, Fred? Once again, are you? I heard from a dicky bird, your latest nickname happens to be Dreamy Daniel. And don’t bother smiling, that inane smile. It is not funny, at all. Just pick up the pencil! Get on with it! Your daydreaming is nearly as irritating as your always answering back. When are you going to learn that adults like to have the last word?”

      “Yes Mum. Sorry Mum.” She does not know my new nickname is Mr IXL. No longer Dreamy Daniel, already out of fashion. Not the time to tell her. Now.

      “Forget the Sorry bit... Just get on with it, for once.” And off Mum goes, balancing two cups and saucers. She could join Wirth’s Circus and make some money...

      Mum’s good with words. Bet she’ll have something smart to say to Old Brownie, when she gives him a piece of her mind... tomorrow... but I’ll be over the hills and far away. Singing: Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-Ay My Oh My What a wonderful day... Plenty of sunshine headin’ my way...

      Better write my letter; wont put in the truth that Mr Brown pisses me off... better not.

      Dear Mum and Dad,

      Do not worry about me,

      I am on a holiday,

      I am off to see the world.

      Got all my money from my money box.

      Tell Gran and Grandpa.

      You can tell Mr Brown, if you like.

      See you soon,

      Fred (Mr IXL to Mr Brown)

      Fold it up nicely. Place it on the desk under the green frog paper-weight.

      Now I can be like Cuthbert the Caterpillar meeting Wilfred the Wasp, when Wilfred tells Cuthbert that he is, “Off to see the world.” And off they go to see the world. As Grandma says, tomorrow is another day, my day off, the day I am off, up, up and away.

      Better put down an answer for that carpet thing in my exercise book. Easy to make up a good answer, 1.750 yards. Ha! Ha! That’ll make him happy, I don’t think... if he ever sees this.

      “Finished! Mum! Off to the dunny, then off to bed. Say good night to Dad, when he gets in from the late shift”

      “Good night Gran, Good night Mum.”

      “Sleep tight.”

      Taking a long time to go to sleep. I must get to sleep: tomorrow’s going to be Big.

      THE BIG DAY DAWNS

      “Don’t gulp your food. I know you want to get off early to school to play marbles with your friends, but just slow down. You are very early today. I don’t know what’s got into you. Beats me.”

      “Here’s your lunch, corn beef sandwiches and an apple.”

      “Thanks Mum.”

      “Just put it all in your bag, straightaway! And don’t forget to brush your teeth!”

      “I’ve remembered my hanky, Mum; and my school bag, and I am not picking my nose and I got my fly all buttoned up.”

      “Don’t you get cheeky with me!”

      “No Mum, Sorry Mum.”

      “Have a good day! Just try to stay on the good side of Mr Brown, for once. Listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t back chat.”

      “Yes Mum, I won’t say a word. Honest truth: cross my heart and hope to die. I am turning over a new leaf. You’ll be surprised... really surprised. ”

      “About time, Fred. Now off you go.”

      Out the door, fast, up the street, fast, nick through the backyard of the Evergreens, (what a name; suppose it’s better than Deciduous): up onto the railway embankment Wow a train coming ... better run ... run faster ... full steam ahead ... might miss it.

      “Hurry up sonny! Grab the door into the last compartment, before I blow me whistle.”

      Made it. Better read my comic. Not that easy to get out... Here the comic comes at last. Better get the toothbrush and paste out of my pocket and into the bag and, as Mum says, settle down. “Bye, Bye, Mr Brown. Now I am off to town, won’t be back for many a day... Dunno what comes next.”

      Sherwood, Graceville, Chelmer, over the bridge, Indooroopilly, Taringa, Toowong, Auchenflower, Milton, Roma Street, Central at last.

      Never seen so many people on the platform... Better go with the crowd... That’s great. Got through the gate... Good I didn’t look at the ticket collector... too busy trying to collect everybody else’s tickets... Must be my lucky day... A free ride to start my free day.

      Too early for the shops. So off to the Gardens at the bottom of George Street... “Zip-a dee-doo-dah, Zip-a-dee-Ay.”

      The gardens are nice and sunny. Better sit under this Moreton Bay Fig, up against one of those big roots and dig out some money from the money box. My pocket money won’t go far, but I gotta be careful, as Grandpa says, “A fool and his money are soon parted.” Well I didn’t part with too much of my money to get to town.

      Get out the knife. Poke it in through the slot in the top of the money box. You turn it up. And you shake it all around. Do the Hokey-Pokey and it all falls out: piece by piece, as long as I shake it all about. Great! Two shilling pieces and sixpences.

      Wonder where I will go next after being in town? Could catch the Sydney Express from South Brisbane, go to visit Aunty Mary in King’s Cross Road, King’s Cross? Just jump into one of those coloured taxis, when I get to Central Station... I like the Red and Black ones, but Green and Yellow looks good too. Don’t have bright taxis in Brizzy. No double-decker buses here either. Sydney trams, bit old fashioned, not like our shiny silver ones, real modern, stream lined. But we don’t have any Brisbane tram sayings that I know about. Gran who lived in Sydney for years, sometimes says she’ll, “Shoot through like a Bondi tram.” Wouldn’t mind going to Bondi beach, but I haven’t put in my togs. I could swim in the nuddie: get my photo in The Sydney Morning Herald with the printing underneath, “Fred Jones, all the way from Brisbane, in his Birthday Suit at Bondi Beach. I’d be famous. I’d love to be on the front page of the newspaper. That’d give Mr Brown something to think about, I might even get a new nickname maybe The Bare Truth? Or like the story Mum was telling Gran about Mr Churchill having his afternoon nap, on a hot day with no clothes on. A visitor walked into his room. Mr Churchill jumped up in surprise, starkus, and said, “You can see I’ve got nothing to hide!”

      Must be time to go off to the Model Shop, in Adelaide Street. Should be open now.

      “You got a day off school, son?”

      “Yep. Got a special dentist appointment later this arvo. Mum’s up at Allen and Stark: said I could spend my time looking around here, while she buys some women’s stuff. Dad said he’ll buy me an electric train set for my birthday, as long as I save up towards it as well.”