Writing the Comedy Blockbuster. Keith Giglio

writing a comedy blockbuster, you want people falling out of their chairs, not falling asleep in their chairs. You want a HA, not an AHHH. An AHHH means sweet, cute.

      We were sweet and cute... and not getting work.

      So we set out to write an R-Rated comedy that would sell (it never did) and get us work (it did, lots of it).

      As our bank account dwindled and our spirits deflated, we wrote a comedy that would be called Beer Boy. It was about a brewmaster, a “Henry Higgins of beer” who is jilted at the altar and loses his ability to taste beer. When he learns his exfiancee is getting married, he decides to ruin her wedding the way she ruined his life. In the end, he learns that revenge is bad and gets his taste back.

      It was the antiromantic comedy.

      Broad. Funny… and our agent hated it.

      Hated it.

      He would not send it out.

      “This script will hurt you,” he told us over dinner. It reminded me of the scene in Jerry Maguire where Jerry is fired in a public place so he doesn’t lose it.

      We had spent months writing this script. Now what?

      Our manager liked it. So he slipped it… to a couple of other agencies. Pretty big agencies.

      They read it. We had offers the next day to sign with them. We went with ICM after Juliet asked our agent: “What happens if the script goes out and doesn’t sell?”

      “I’ll get you work off this script,” the agent replied.

      The script went out — with beer. Yes, we sent it out with beer.

      And everyone loved it. And it didn’t sell.

      We thought it was going to. But it didn’t happen. But a funny thing did happen — our careers. The phone began to ring. People felt we could write comedic characters and jokes.

      And we were no longer soft. We had a script that had an erection that lasted longer than four hours.

      And we got work. Lots of it.

      I’ve learned that even if a script doesn’t sell, the writer can. Let’s write the best script possible and let the chips fall where they may. I really do believe that the cream rises to the top in Hollywood and that a good script never goes unnoticed.

      They are few and far between.

      I will guide you from knowing what a comedy blockbuster is to knowing how to write one. We will progress step by step, building from logline, to character, to theme, to the comedic chapters that are going to become your set-pieces, to story.

      The hard part of writing is breaking the story. Or figuring out what to write.

      Writing a feature film script is a marathon, not a sprint; and the key to completing it lies in training and preparation. If you’ve had the experience of leaping into the creative process — fingers dancing across the keyboard, pages coming fast, visions of the sequel — only to peter out by page thirty or forty, or if you are a first-time screenwriter, this book is for you. It shows you how to map out your comedy so that you can see plot holes pages away and, at the same time, instill it with your passion and personal vision. When you’re finished reading the book and writing your outline — the script will flow.

      You don’t begin writing the screenplay until you know what the screenplay is going to be about. We break the story first. Characters. Plots. Pay-offs.

      It won’t be easy. Screenwriting never is. Staring at a blank page all day long is a hard way to make an easy living.

      I think this book will make your writing life a little easier and your screenplay a lot funnier.

      PART ONE

      HOW TO THIS BOOK

      I admit that the idea of writing a chapter on how to use this book seems odd.

      Especially to me, and I am writing it.

      When my wonderful editor proposed this idea, I thought: Don’t you just read the book, and do what the book says to do? But then I thought about you — in the bookstore, on your commute, in the bathroom (hold on — backspace, delete that image) — and your comedy blockbuster dreams.

      Did you ever order something that came in a box? With lots of screws? And parts? And press-wood? With instructions on how to put it together? Well, think of this book as everything in the box. It’s time we put it together.

      TOOLS NEEDED FOR THIS BOOK (NOT INCLUDED)

      Blank notebook, pencil or pen, index cards, markers, a word processor on a computer, your imagination, and your sense of humor are all you need!

      You should also have a secret desire to make people laugh, make a lot of money, and induce massive regret for those who would not date you in high school. As for those unenlightened few (or, in my case, many) who scorned you in high school, we are not going to throw this book at them. It’s a trade paperback not a hardback, so it would not cause that much damage — except maybe an angry ouch. And also, it’s wrong.

      Please only use this book for the power of good, not evil. You are going to use it to write that great screenplay, that comedy blockbuster. That is the best instrument of revenge.

      Wait, so that’s why people write comedy — for revenge? No, not at all, but chances are, if you are like me, you developed a sense of humor as a defense mechanism. I was a skinny kid with a big nose living on Staten Island with a significant number of cro-magnons. You know how you keep the cro-magnons from beating you up? Make them laugh. And then run really fast.

      This book will teach you how to use that sense of humor to make some dollars and cents — that is, how to write a comedy blockbuster.

      The best way to use this book is to... hold on to your hat here… read it. From beginning to end. Read the book. Wow. You need a chapter to tell me this? Yes, I want you to read the book and absorb the material on the first read.

      There are three main parts of this book. In the first part, you read about the history of film comedy and the various subgenres. As you read about the movies, target some of the movies you find funny. During this section you should start getting an idea of the comedies you like to watch; or, more specifically, the kind you wish you had written. The keys here are “getting an idea.” Good ideas take time. They’re like seeds. You have to plant them, water them, let ’em grow. Ever bite into a popcorn kernel that hadn’t popped? It tastes terrible and hurts your teeth. Comedy ideas that are not fully realized are unpopped kernels. You need to let them sit there a while until they pop. While you are reading about the great history of film comedies, watch some great film comedies. So while READING the first part of the book, you should WATCH these movies.

      The second part of the book — and the main idea behind it — is the exploration of the inappropriate goal and specifically what goes into the writing of a comedy blockbuster.

      IF YOU ARE A STARTING A COMEDY SCREENPLAY…

      Start from the beginning. Open a computer file. Read each chapter. Do the exercises and develop your “scriptment” as we move along. Think of this book like a video game — don’t go to the next level until you have completed each one.

      IF YOUR HAVE ALREADY WRITTEN A SCREENPLAY AND ARE STUCK IN DEVELOPMENT HELL.

      If you’re smart enough to get stuck in development hell, good for you. There are worse places in hell to be. But you do want to get out of there and it’s very hard to climb out of hell with the weight of studio notes. Use this book as a roadmap.

      Also, if you are using this book for academic purposes, assign one chapter a week, screen the films mentioned in that chapter, and enjoy a dirty martini with the attractive co-ed of your gender-specific choice.

      This book was developed as an academic course at the Writer’s Program at UCLA. It