The Exceptional Seven Percent. Gregory K. Popcak

__ out of a possible 50 points for Exceptional Loving.

      The Fourth Secret: Exceptional Service

      Exceptional couples value daily, mutual service more than “fairness” or sharply defined roles and responsibilities. To put it another way, Exceptional couples do not argue over turf issues. Also, because neither the husband nor the wife views the marriage license as a permission slip granting either of them the right to sit around waiting to be taken care of, each actively looks for opportunities to serve and nurture their mate, creating a dance of competence that enables chores and other domestic responsibilities to be passed back and forth gracefully, and accomplished efficiently. For example:

      Q: In an Exceptional marriage, who dusts the table?

      A: Whoever bumps into it first.

      For the Exceptional couple this attitude is a common thread throughout every aspect of work, family, and domestic life. While more conventional couples view service as a means to an end (When I do nice things, I get affection/appreciation in return; when I don’t get appreciation/affection, I stop doing nice things), Exceptional couples view service as an end in itself (When I do nice things I am exercising and fulfilling the values with which I most closely identify; service is its own reward). I am not suggesting that Exceptional couples don’t appreciate being appreciated—in fact, they give and receive more expressions of gratitude than most couples (see The Seventh Secret)—it is simply that applause is not their primary motivator, and they recognize that emotional scorekeeping or maneuvering to see who takes better care of whom are fruitless exercises.

      EXCEPTIONAL SERVICE QUIZ

      Circle the level of agreement you have with each of the statements below.

      a. All day long, I look for opportunities to make my mate’s life easier or more pleasant.

      b. Every day, it is obvious to me that my mate looks for opportunities to make my life easier or more pleasant.

      c. Frequently and cheerfully, I do household jobs that are not specifically “mine” to do.

      d. Frequently and cheerfully, my mate does household jobs that are not specifically his/hers to do.

      e. My mate would agree with me if I made the following statement: “I am good at remembering and anticipating my spouse’s needs.”

      You scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.

      Your mate scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.

      As a couple, you scored __ out of a possible 50 points for Exceptional Service.

      The Fifth Secret: Exceptional Rapport

      Research clearly shows that Exceptional couples are equal partners in their capacity for emotional and verbal expression. Because of their willingness to be challenged and grow, men and women in Exceptional marriages have learned to overcome both their basic gender and personality differences, allowing them to achieve an enviable level of understanding and rapport in their relationships.

      EXCEPTIONAL RAPPORT QUIZ

      Circle the level of agreement you have with each of the statements below.

      a. Sometimes it seems like my mate and I are speaking two different languages.

      b. I often feel like something is missing in my marriage, but I don’t know what.

      c. I often feel that my mate does not understand me.

      d. Sometimes I think my mate does not understand what it takes to have a good relationship.

      e. My mate and I are both good at expressing our love for each other.

      You scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.

      Your mate scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.

      As a couple, you scored __ out of a possible 50 points for Exceptional Rapport.

      The Sixth Secret: Exceptional Negotiation

      Arguments between less satisfied husbands and wives tend to look like competitions to see whose need will be met this time. For such couples, fairness is determined by having an equal score in the game of giving-in. But in Exceptional relationships, all needs are respected and met—even when a partner’s need is not completely understood. That your need will be met is never called into question; the only topic of debate is, “What is the most efficient, respectful means by which your need can be met ?”

      Simply put, Exceptional couples live by the following rule: Never negotiate the “what.” Always negotiate the “how” and “when.”

      EXCEPTIONAL NEGOTIATION QUIZ

      Circle the level of agreement you have with each of the statements below.

      a. When my mate and I have a disagreement, it feels like we are competing to see whose need or agenda is “more important”—or who has more power.

      b. Even when my mate and I strongly disagree, I feel like (s)he makes an effort to respect and understand my needs and opinions.

      c. Sometimes I suspect that my mate gives up his/her own needs rather than tell me what (s)he thinks and risks continuing an argument.

      d. I would rather surrender my own need than risk continuing an argument.

      e. I frequently feel demeaned/demoralized after a disagreement with my mate.

      You scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.

      Your mate scored __ out of a possible 25 points for this section.

      As a couple, you scored __ out of a possible 50 points for Exceptional Negotiation.

      The Seventh Secret: Exceptional Gratitude

      In exceptional marriages, every service—no