White. Deni Ellis Bechard

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      But sometimes I read books with magic, in other lands, and I think that if I had left home younger, I could have found a better life, because that is what the heroes are always doing. There are enemies and monsters to be fought, but at the end of that, there is always a better life. And I also read horror books because the world is full of terrors, of things that eat you, of people who look at you with eyes like fangs, and after each story of horror, I am grateful. I have lived the horror in my mind and survived it, and I am stronger, more alive. And I even love those books you whites so enjoy, about how to improve every aspect of yourself, how to cure your wife’s unhappiness by thanking her and making her feel special for the chores women have done since the dawn of time, and how to look in the mirror and admire the man staring back at you as if Jesus were just behind the glass, whispering that you are perfect. When I read them, I see myself as a wealthy general with a dozen happy wives and a hundred adoring children, and I picture a national disaster and everyone asking me for the solution, and I realize that I would be as good if not better than any other man to lead my people. Even after I wake from this dream, I don’t feel deceived, and for days afterward, I walk a little lighter. But in truth, I prefer books of the technological future in which we can repair anything, even our bodies and our minds, or go to other planets, and I am sad because I was born too early and because these stories—which will someday happen without me—they tell me the truth of how soon my life will be forgotten.

      WHITE

       DENI ELLIS BÉCHARD

       with an afterword by

       Simisola Batta

      MILKWEED EDITIONS

      All of the events and characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. References to real people, events, establishments, organizations, or locales, as well as to the author himself, are included only to provide a sense of authenticity, and are used fictitiously.

      © 2018, Text by Deni Ellis Béchard

      All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher: Milkweed Editions, 1011 Washington Avenue South, Suite 300, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55415.

      [phone]

       milkweed.org

      Published 2018 by Milkweed Editions

      Printed in Canada

      Cover design by Mary Austin Speaker

      18 19 20 21 22 5 4 3 2 1

       First Edition

      Milkweed Editions, an independent nonprofit publisher, gratefully acknowledges sustaining support from the Jerome Foundation; the Lindquist & Vennum Foundation; the McKnight Foundation; the National Endowment for the Arts; the Target Foundation; and other generous contributions from foundations, corporations, and individuals. Also, this activity is made possible by the voters of Minnesota through a Minnesota State Arts Board Operating Support grant, thanks to a legislative appropriation from the arts and cultural heritage fund, and a grant from Wells Fargo. For a full listing of Milkweed Editions supporters, please visit milkweed.org.

      Names: Béchard, Deni Ellis, 1974- author.

      Title: White : a novel / Deni Ellis Béchard.

      Description: First edition. | Minneapolis, Minnesota : Milkweed Editions, [2018]

      Identifiers: LCCN 2017051227 (print) | LCCN 2017054897 (ebook) | ISBN 9781571319470 (ebook) | ISBN 9781571311252 (paper : alk. paper)

      Classification: LCC PR9199.4.B443 (ebook) | LCC PR9199.4.B443 W48 2018 (print) | DDC 813/.6--dc23

      LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017051227

      Milkweed Editions is committed to ecological stewardship. We strive to align our book production practices with this principle, and to reduce the impact of our operations in the environment. We are a member of the Green Press Initiative, a nonprofit coalition of publishers, manufacturers, and authors working to protect the world’s endangered forests and conserve natural resources. White was printed on acid-free 100% postconsumer-waste paper by Friesens Corporation.

      The world had prepared no place for you, and if the world had its way, no place would ever exist. Now, this is true for everyone, but, in the case of a Negro, this truth is absolutely naked: if he deludes himself about it, he will die. This is not the way this truth presents itself to white men, who believe the world is theirs and who, albeit unconsciously, expect the world to help them in the achievement of their identity. But the world does not do this—for anyone; the world is not interested in anyone’s identity. And, therefore, the anguish which can overtake a white man comes in the middle of his life, when he must make the almost inconceivable effort to divest himself of everything he has ever expected or believed, when he must take himself apart and put himself together again, walking out of the world, into limbo, or into what certainly looks like limbo.

       —JAMES BALDWIN,NOBODY KNOWS MY NAME

      I was cut to the quick at the idea of having lost the inestimable privilege of listening to the gifted Kurtz. Of course I was wrong. The privilege was waiting for me. Oh yes, I heard more than enough. And I was right, too. A voice. He was very little more than a voice. And I heard—him—it—this voice—other voices—all of them were so little more than voices—and the memory of that time itself lingers around me, impalpable, like a dying vibration of one immense jabber, silly, atrocious, sordid, savage, or simply mean, without any kind of sense.

       —JOSEPH CONRAD,HEART OF DARKNESS

      CONTENTS

       1 SOLA

       2 PASTOR THOMAS OMÉGA

       3 LITERATURE CONNECTS US TO THE EARTH

       4 ROOM 22(2) & THE WILDLIFE OF ASPEN

       5 MEMOIRS OF THE LITTLE WITCH

       6 THE CHURCH OF THE ALBINO PROPHET

       7 A NIGHT WITH SOLA

       8 THE KING OF THE SMUGGLERS

       9 THE TRUE NAME OF PASTOR OMÉGA

       10 VLADIMIR DOESN’T LIKE TO WAIT (ENTER ALTON HOOKE)

       11 THE NARRATIVE GENEALOGY OF A DEMON

       12 THE MURDER OF A CHILD

       13 THE BALLAD OF THE BIG HOTEL

       14 THE IMPORTANCE OF GENRES & THE