A Smart Girl's Guide: Manners (Revised). Nancy Holyoke

out and about

      neighborhoods malls movies What Do You Do?: cautious courtesy good sports Quiz: the great outdoors Quiz: faraway lands

       sticky situations

       What Do You Do?: embarrassing moments

       special occasions

      family gatherings What Do You Do?: family gatherings weddings funerals protocol

       and finally

       the checklist

      the basics

      me first?

      There’s a voice inside each of us that says

      “Me first.”

      It tells us to please ourselves—to take

      what we want and do what we like,

      never mind about anybody else. If “me

      first” had its way, we’d spend our days

      trampling on one another’s rights and

      feelings, and pretty soon the world

      would be a snarling mess.

      This is where manners come in.

      Manners aren’t a bunch of rules

      dreamed up by fusspots who want

      to cramp your style. Manners help

      people get along together. They

      make us nicer. They teach us to put

      ourselves in the other person’s shoes.

      A girl who chooses to use good manners is telling the world she

      believes that other people matter as much as she does. She’s saying

      that life isn’t about what one person does for herself but about

      what people can do together for the common good.

      So who decides what’s polite and what’s not? We all do.

      When we talk about manners, we’re talking about how most people

      in a certain time and place think people should behave. What’s

      polite in one country isn’t always polite in another. What was rude

      fifty years ago isn’t always rude today. Manners depend a lot on

      custom—and different customs often live side by side.

      In a way, manners are not so much

      a set of rules as they are a language

      you use to tell other people what

      they can expect from you. The

      better you know the language, the

      more you can say.

      Are you trustworthy?

       Do you think only of yourself?

      Would you make a good friend or

      a poor one?

      after you

      The way you talk with a good friend when you’re flopped on the grass

      is very different from the way you talk to the principal in the hallway

      at school. You change your style without thinking. And that’s good.

      Manners recognize differences between people. There are certain things

      people do that say “You’re number one” or “Your needs come first.”

      These actions are called signs of deference, and to lots of people they

      symbolize good manners. They’re rooted in tradition—and in kindness.

      Deference turns up in all sorts of ways in manners, but here are a few

      of the big ones.

      Hold doors open for adults. When you and a friend are going

      through a doorway, let her go ahead of you.

      Guests go first. When you’re pouring lemonade, pour your friend’s

      glass before you pour your own. When you start a game, let her have

      the first turn. And when there’s only one cookie left? You know who

      gets it.

      Give up your seat on a crowded bus or subway to anybody who

      looks as if he or she needs to sit down more than you do. This includes

      older people and people with babies or small children.

      Men and women have followed different rules in the past. For many

      years, men were expected to give all these same signs of deference to

      women. A polite man opened doors for a woman and let her enter first.

      He stood when a woman entered a room at a party, and offered her

      his seat. He walked between a woman and the curb on city streets to

      protect her from any rain or dirt kicked up by a passing car. Many people

      keep up these traditions today. Others prefer to see women show their

      strength and independence by doing these things for themselves.

      good impressions

      We all know we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover,

      but the fact is that most of us do make judgments about

      others based on how they look and talk. This is especially

       true if we’re meeting someone for the first time.

      Don’t let this business of appearances spook you.

       Instead, try out the tips on these pages. You’ll look

      more confident, and that can often