The World According to Vice. Vice Magazine

three years. One of the only valid things that the first-year feminists talk about is that media is still TOTALLY DOMINATED by rich white fat guys who like booze, whores, coke and paying their employees shit. You can forget waltzing through the doors with your piece of shit media studies degree and requesting a job starting at £40,000. It won’t happen.

      NEWSPAPERS

      Fuck those catamites who still walk around the campus with the Guardian or the Daily Telegraph poking out of their bag as a way of announcing to the world that “I’m clever and open-minded”. They are the worst. Fundamentally, there is no difference between that person and a working-class moron wearing a fake Gucci cap. They’re both walking around with a bogus status symbol trying to accumulate some identity.

      Relying on a newspaper for your news is near useless anyway. People who work at daily newspapers don’t have time to get their facts entirely accurate. They just get a big whiteboard and write words like “racist”, “celebrity”, “cocaine”, “paedophile” and “football” and create stories around them. Make sure you get a fast internet connection from your university and read as many different news sources as possible. That way you can form your own opinion about things. Again, make it easier for yourself.

      FRESHERS’ WEEK

      The week leading up to the start of the first term used to involve avoiding all scheduled activities and signing up for classes quickly so you could get the hell out of there and go record shopping. Freshers’ week today is like a crazy carnival, where first years flaunt their new Supré outfits and everyone seems blind to the fact that it’s essentially a marketing exercise for banks and soft drink companies attempting to win over all the international and country students.

      POLITICAL SOCIETIES

      A total waste of time. Run by boorish losers with dogma breath. Take a course in political science or read some books if you’re that arsed.

      QUITTING

      If you’re spending more time in bars than in lectures and tutorials, you should do this.

      RATS

      These are what you get if you live near a pub or a restaurant and never clean the kitchen or living room. They may be a source of amusement for a while and the Crispin Glovers among you might protest that they’re living beings with as much right to life as humans, but bear in mind these fuckers carry myriad diseases that can kill you. If you let them live they will breed and then you will be charged about £300 by a pest control service who will douse your house with poison. Maybe they’ll kill some of the rats but they won’t stop the stench of their decomposing bodies that’ll start coming through your floorboards for the next nine months. Suuur-WEET!

      SOAP OPERAS

      No time for these either. If you get to a point where you can remember watching Neighbours twice a day more than five times in two weeks then you’re probably fucked.

      TATTOOS

      Go nuts. Traditional is always best though. No Chinese tummy tattoos for girls. No logo of any band unless it’s Crass, Eyehategod, Black Flag, Misfits or Motörhead. Bands like that designed their logos so they’d look good as tattoos. No graffiti tattoos. No mystic symbols. A red devil on the arse of a drunken 35-year-old swinger mum of three is a million times better than getting an AK-47 on your leg because you’re trying to divert attention away from the fact that you’re the biggest fucking dweeb in the world.

      VENEREAL DISEASE

      Register with a doctor. Like all the things we’re saying here, just be smart and don’t be scared of life. A wart on your penis or vagina can be cleared up in five minutes. Just next time be more careful. However, AIDS can be a bit more difficult to cure.

      WIM WENDERS

      You’re probably going to have to sit through one of his films during your time here.

      XANAX

      If you find an American exchange student, make friends with them. They will have Xanax. Also ask them about Oxycodone, Percocet or Vicodin (overrated). Google them. Erowid.org is a good resource for drugs information.

      YELLOW SKIN

      If you have this you’re either Oriental or you have jaundice. Eat some fruit and vegetables. Peel it, put it in your mouth, chew and swallow. There you go, little baby!

      ZERO

      Ending up £30,000 in debt, failing your exams and endless feelings of guilt and regret just so you could be lazy, play computer games and network with other drunk losers is just fucking stupid. If you’re unsure about university then fucking quit straight away. Save yourself the fucking bother. If you’re not serious about using university as a way to better yourself and instead treat the next three years as a gay social club then you should be gassed. They send videos of people like you to the Muslims around the world. They watch them in between the footage of the World Trade Center and the London bombings. They’re laughing at you, you white privileged lazy piece of shit. You are the reason that World War 3 is happening.