Zany!. Jim Gold

Mt. Ararat. If I find it, I’ll know what really happened at the Tower of Babel. But more important, I’m searching for linguistic information on the first word ever spoken by mankind! I have a feeling it’s hidden in Noah’s ark, perhaps among the animals.”

      “Aha!” Zany’s mind had instantly leaped across the Atlantic to Attila in Colorado and the lad’s passion for languages.

      “Tell me, Mr. Mashugi . . . ”

      The archaeologist had relaxed, smiled, said, “My friends call me ‘Cookie,’ ” and extended his hand. “You are now my friend. Call me Cookie.”

      “Okay, Mr. Cookie—”

      “Just plain Cookie.”

      “Okay . . . Cookie. I have a son who is graduating from college. He has a passion for linguistics. Is there any chance that you, a lover of violin and scholarship, could help and guide him, become a kind of . . . mentor?”

      “Ayn beaya. No problem. Some I ment, others I de-ment. I ment many. What kind of menting does he need?”

      “Well, he needs to be put on the right path,” Zany had explained. “Mostly life guidance. I’m sure he’d be a helpful addition for your Mt. Ararat adventure.”

      Mashugi had thought it over before asking, “Is he strong? Can he carry provisions?”

      “Of course. Attila has built up his trapezoids, biceps, rhomboids, and rotators by carrying piles of books to his mountain cabin. He cut down trees to build an outhouse, hauled and chopped wood for the fireplace, decorated the cabin interior himself. He has strong hands from loading his AK-47, strong fingers from shooting it. We are of Hungarian origin with historic roots in Central Asia. That’s why we named him after Attila the Hun. The lad’s trigger finger is especially developed. He can protect you. He’s an excellent shot.”

      “A gunner, eh? These archaeological trips are sometimes dangerous. We can always use more protection.” Mashugi had glanced upward, then spat on the ground, uniting heaven and earth as he considered the future. “Here’s what we’ll do: Tell your son to write me. In the letter, have him detail, not only his qualifications for a Mt. Ararat linguistic adventure, but also his passions, interests, hopes, and dreams. Let him tell me what purpose and direction he wants his life to take. That sort of thing. Then I’ll know what kind of kid he is. It will also set him thinking about his future.”

      “Excellent idea, Cookie. You’re quite wise. I’ll do exactly that.” Zany had in turn extended his own hand. “Thank you, Mr. Cookie. I’ll call my son right away.

      Mashugi had nodded. “Very good.—tov meod, as we say in Hebrew!”

      Zany had returned to the USA a month later. After unpacking and settling in, he’d polished his violin, dusted the books in his library, and paid Martha her monthly salary. Then he penned a Hungarian style, shamanistic-based, fiddle-tinged letter to his son at Bustard U.

      Kedves Attila,

      Soon you’ll be graduating. Congratulations. Csodalatos! You’ll depart from the safety and security of your intellectual nest. You’ll enter the world at large, a place of pestilence, sickness, violence, thrills, studded with uncertainty, wild emotions, and directional meaninglessness. It is a period of search and wandering for most youngsters—or middlesters, as may be the case with you. However, I have found a guru and mentor for you, one who can ease your pain of entry. I met him last month at an archaeological dig on my concert tour of Israel. A nagyon jo kind of guy! I had a short but fascinating talk with him. A linguist, researcher, adventurer, and teacher, I sense he is a master of men. Isaac Mashugi is his name. His friends call him ‘Cookie.’ This Mashugi would be wonderful to meet, study, and learn from. He is leading an upcoming archaeological and linguistic research expedition to Mt. Ararat in Turkey.

      I spoke to him about your talents. He wants you to join him on this Ararat venture! However, before he can accept you into the program, he needs a letter about your interests, hopes, passions, and dreams—what you want your future direction in life to be. That sort of thing.

      You’ll find his address on the card enclosed is this envelope.

      I know he’d be of great help during this adventurous stage of development.

      With love,

       Father Zany

      Three weeks before graduation, Attila was nervously pacing his cabin. Uneasy about his future, confused about his goals, he pulled out his father’s letter out of the desk drawer. Carefully, he read each line. The pace of his pacing increased.

      Finally, he muttered to himself, “Time to write this Mashugi. He sounds crazy and wild enough. You never know where letters lead. Plus climbing Mount Ararat might straighten me out.”

      The next day he sat under a pine tree, booted up his computer, and composed the following:

      Dear Dr. Mashugi,

       (Or do you prefer Isaac? I’ve heard Israelis are informal.)

       I am Attila Zany. My father, the violinist Zoltan Zany, says he met you near Caesarea a few months ago. Is this true? Did you like him?

      My future goal: I want to become a prabbi. What exactly is that? For me, it unites science, metaphysics, biophysics, music, linguistics, philosophy, medicine, weaponry, defense, chemistry, history, and psychotherapy. I want to combine a universal vision with a job. My term for this as-yet-to-be-found occupation is prabbi.

      In order to prepare this letter to you, I studied Hebrew. I have also thrown in some Aramaic, Phoenician, and Ugaritic, just to make sure. During my etymological studies, I discovered the Hebrew root “shemesh” means “to serve.” Very poetic. I like it. The “shemesh” (sun) serves God’s purpose.

      I’m trying to find my “shemesh,” my own purpose. So far it has eluded me. Are my wanderings part of a cosmic question? I sense Higher Forces speaking to me, suggesting my student days are over. Time to move on, do something else. But what? My dear Dr. Mashugi, that is my question.

       Can you help?

       Your (hopefully future) student, Attila Zany

      A month later, Attila drove to his post office to pick up his mail. The clerk in the booth handed him a pile of letters, magazines, advertisement, and postcards. Among them was a letter from Mashugi.

      Startled, eyes wide in excitement and with trembling fingers, Atilla tore it open.

      Dear Boy Attila,

       The answer is yes. Yes, I want you to join my research expedition to Mt. Ararat!

      Now the advice: Best for health, happiness, and a Mashugi life style is belief in progress, improvement, and eternal life.

      Progress creates a positive attitude and helps cure unhappiness. Of course, since opposites attract, you need a descent into Hell, or Hades, as the Greeks call it, before progress can be made. Our trip to Mt. Ararat should provide that: a hell of a depression, which, as a good start, will be followed by an ascent on Jacob’s ladder straight to Heaven.

      Heaven leads to Hell, and vice versa.

      Avoid dualism. Seek Oneness.

       Now, my boy, the big question: Is there really a difference between Heaven and Hell?

       Think about it. Give me your answer when I see you.”

       Mashugi

       6

      FATHER AND SON

      DUE, ALAS, TO WHAT he lengthily described as “logistic and financial difficulties,” Cookie Mashugi postponed his Turkish research venture to the following year.

      Thus,