Juice. Brady G. Wilson

electric wire. We all watched with amazement as I was able to walk along the beach, pulling the thick wire through the hose quickly and easily.

      The lesson was embarrassingly clear to us: when it comes to getting something flexible through a conduit, pulling works a lot better than pushing. Pulling reduces unnecessary friction and enables you to get something through in a shorter time and with less stress.

      We had defaulted to a push-first approach because we believed that it would take too long to pull. We ended up wasting all the time we spent pushing, in the end being forced to invest the time on the pull approach anyway.

       Do You Push First?

      When I worked for Eagle’s Flight, one of North America’s foremost training companies, I conducted hands-on research in my sessions with people from organizations across North America. The resulting statistics showed something very interesting about the various simulations that we conducted with the people we were training. We discovered that two-thirds of them took a push approach when they wanted to make themselves understood.

      I often conduct an exercise framed within a real-estate story to illustrate this push-first phenomenon. See if you can figure it out.

      A couple purchased a home in one city for $360,000. The wife was offered a promotion that entailed working out of head office, 100 miles away. The couple loved their new home and the wife was loath to commute 100 miles twice a day. Should she accept the promotion or not? They decided to put the house up on the market for $10,000 more than they bought it for. If it sold, that would be their sign that she was supposed to take the new job.

      The very next day, an eager young couple bought the house from them for the asking price of $370,000. They packed up their kids and went to buy another house close to head office. The house that appealed to them most was a bit more expensive – they ended up paying $380,000 for it.

      Six months later, the kids were complaining about missing their friends and their teachers. The husband hadn’t found another job yet and the wife was getting sick of the politics at head office. They decided to put the house up for sale for $390,000. If it sold, they would move back home.

      It sold the very next day for $390,000.

      At this point, I say to the participants, “This couple is about to get back into their vehicle and move back to their home city. Did they make money, lose money, or break even? If they made or lost money, how much did they make or lose? And just to keep it simple, you don’t have to take into consideration any of the legal fees, real estate fees, or moving expenses.”

      Typically, a portion of the group firmly believes that the couple broke even. Another portion is just as sure that they made $10,000. Another is persuaded that they made $20,000. Yet another says, “It’s simple. They made $30,000.” Other participants have varying answers. What do you believe the answer is?

      Then I say to the group, “Your mission now is to try to get on the same page and it would be good if it was the right page. Go and talk to people from a different group. Your task is to make yourself understood in the best way possible.”

      What happens next is truly interesting. As people try to make their point of view understood, their natural conversation styles come to the surface. Try this for yourself. Show this real estate problem to a friend, colleague, or family member and see if you can get on the same page regarding the right answer.

      I do this for four rounds, or four quarters, if you will. At the end, the group is typically still divided, with people in at least two or three camps. (For the answer, send an e-mail to us at [email protected] with the subject line “Real Estate.”)

      “Think back to the interactions you’ve just had,” I say to them next. “What percentage of the people you interacted with pulled out your rationale before asking you to understand theirs? What percentage pushed their rationale on you before trying to understand yours? And what percentage acquiesced – simply giving in to your point of view without trying to advocate their own?”

      The results from polling thousands of people show that when North Americans are trying to get to understanding, 66% of them push, 23% acquiesce, and only 10% pull.

       When North Americans are trying to get to understanding, 66% of them push, 23% acquiesce, and only 10% pull.

      This means that the chances are at least two to one (66% to 33%) that the people around you are pushing their reality onto you rather than attempting to pull out your reality. And the chances are also two to one that, unless you are exceptional, you’re pushing, too. Our findings mesh with the research of Jack Carew, who studied 30,000 sales professionals and discovered that in any sales interaction the odds are two to one that “the orientation of the salesperson is inwardly focused.” (Go to www.carew.com/wp-the-odds-are-factor.php.)

      Look around your professional and personal worlds. Is this what you see? Imagine it otherwise. Imagine what it would be like to walk into a meeting where everybody was committed to Pull Conversations. Imagine what it would be like to have conversations with your spouse or teenager or friends where each side tried to outdo the other in pulling out the other’s reality.

       Why Does Pulling First Work So Well?

      In the 1950s, Toyota shifted manufacturing from a push to a pull mindset. They began to pull resources into the assembly line as needed, rather than stockpiling huge inventories of parts. It wasn’t long before marketing organizations began to adopt the pull methodology. Media have shifted to a pull approach within the past decade. In several sectors, people are discovering that pull works better than push.

      When I ask participants, “What’s the best way to make yourself understood: to push, pull, or acquiesce?” a full 95% respond, “Pulling works best.” I always say, “I believe you, but sell this to me. Why do you believe it works best?” Here’s what they come up with:

      • Pulling reduces the other person’s defensiveness and increases respect and trust, making them receptive and willing to understand you.

      • Pulling enables you to understand the other person’s conversation style. This enables you to frame your message in a way that’s easy for them to understand and relate to.

      • If there is a block or error in the other person’s thinking, Pulling shows you exactly where the point of departure is. Understanding this helps you discover the best way to get them back on the path of logic.

      • If you need the other person to buy into your point of view rather than just give cognitive assent to it, pulling does a better job of getting them on board.

      • The solution may not be either yours or theirs but a hybrid of the two. If you pull, you make sure that you aren’t forfeiting a valuable piece of the equation.

      • If your own logic is wrong, pull will expose where you’ve gone off the path and keep you from embarrassing yourself unnecessarily.

       The Push Culture

      The dynamics of the wire and hose story play themselves out in organizations and families every day.

      Let’s say I’m heading into a meeting. I have a strong point of view about the topic up for discussion. I believe my job is to push my point of view out to others until they get it. As I do so, my team members start getting defensive. I sense their resistance and it triggers in me a need to push more. I have to get my point through to them. They become even more resistant and less receptive to my ideas. Two team members outright stonewall me. Three or four others nod politely and indicate that they will seriously consider my point of view.

       Logic, Passion Not Sufficient

      Here’s a statement you can take to the bank: People will tolerate your conclusions and act on their own. You may be able to get people to nod their heads by the force of your logic or the strength