Melt. Lisa Walker

Stepford Wife she is in fact one of the most feared people in television. I have seen large men weep after meetings with Maxine. Even in an industry rife with neurotics, divas and power-hungry stress-heads, Maxine has a reputation.

      When I first joined Channel Five Jacinta took me aside. ‘There’s something you need to know about Maxine.’

      I waited expectantly.

      ‘Never say can’t, only can. If someone says can’t, it sends her berserk.’ She drew her finger across her throat. ‘I’m not joking. There was a meeting once, it was before my time, but I’ve been told about it.’ Jacinta’s eyes darted around the room and she whispered, ‘She sacked everyone in the room. On the spot.’ I must have looked doubtful because she added, ‘You can ask anyone. Just mention Charlie’s Adventure. You’ll see.’

      I thought Jacinta was exaggerating until I saw a set designer tell Maxine he couldn’t find a live elephant for a dream sequence in Up and At ’Em. It was horrifying, like that scene in Alien where a fanged monster bursts out of John Hurt’s chest and tears its victim to shreds. So far, I have managed to avoid being on the receiving end of that attack.

      In the Wild with Cougar is one of our highest-rating shows. This makes it high stakes in the ratings war against Channel Four, our closest competitor. We put it up against their popular Kitchen Talent show at seven-thirty on Thursday night. So far, In the Wild is thrashing Kitchen Talent but far from making our team cock-a-hoop it has the opposite effect. The problem with In the Wild is that it all rests on the dynamic, beautiful, charismatic, highly intelligent and unpredictable Cougar Gale.

      This is problematic for two reasons. One being that a star performer can so easily be lured away. Two being that Cougar Gale is poison to work with and only becomes worse as each TV poll shows her to be one of the biggest stars in Australian television. Cougar has cross-­demographic appeal. Both men and women love her tough-girl sexiness while kids are drawn to her can-do attitude to wilderness survival. Cougar is that rare star who families, singles and, it is rumoured, even the Prime Minister, love to watch. Hence, as I walk into the production meeting, right on time, the anxiety in the room hovers as palpably as the smoke haze outside.

      I take my seat at the table and open my laptop. ‘Is Cougar coming?’

      Maxine takes a sip of her coffee, leaving bright red lipstick marks on the paper rim. She gestures with her chin. A glass of freshly squeezed mixed vegetable juice sits in front of an empty, expensive, ergonomically-designed chair with a knee rest but no back support. Cougar believes the human race started declining when we discovered chairs.

      ‘Fill us in on the details for the next series while we wait, Summer.’ Maxine’s voice is controlled, but I sense the monster stirring within.

      Can, not can’t. I call up my spreadsheet. The next series will be filmed in Antarctica. It’s ground-breaking and all very hush-hush. Anyone who breathes a word about it outside the walls of Channel Five will be found the next morning with their throat ripped open. It has been rumoured Maxine lists hit-men as a deduction on her tax return.

      We’re calling our new show Cougar on Ice and it’s going to blow Channel Four out of the water when it goes to air in the peak ratings period. It will be the first Australian commercial TV series to ever be filmed totally in Antarctica. There have been one-offs before, but this is different – seven episodes with major product placement. The advertising people have been working their butts off pulling in new clients and the publicity team are glassy-eyed with excitement. It’s been made clear to me that I am honoured to work on logistics and I’d better not stuff it up.

      ‘Right.’ I clear my throat. ‘We have four seats confirmed on a flight departing from Hobart on the nineteenth of December. Cougar will be travelling with cameraman Rory Fleming, producer Mary Hogan and stylist Alicia Waring. Her Antarctic liaison is Lucas Nilsson.’

      Lucas Nilsson. Thank goodness I’m not the one who’s going to be stuck in Antarctica with Lucas Nilsson. Good luck to Cougar, is all I can say. Dealing with Lucas, who is based at the Australian Antarctic Division in Hobart, has been beyond frustrating. If there was ever a man with no concept of project management, it is him. I make a mental note to check that he’s got my latest spreadsheet and continue. ‘The trip to Antarctica takes four and a half hours—’ A rumbling noise interrupts me.

      Cougar skateboards into the room. Instantly everyone is on full alert. Cougar radiates star power. An aura moves with her, lighting up her long, tanned limbs, her bouncy black hair. She flicks her skateboard with her toe and carries it to the table, drains her vegetable juice in one gulp. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she perches on her chair.

      She glances at the clock on the wall. ‘Okay, guys, let’s move it. I’ve got a date at the rock-climbing gym in half an hour.’ She manages to sound as if we’ve kept her waiting for hours.

      Chapter Four

      I evaluate for improved performance

      Project: Becoming Mrs Adrian Robertson

      Objective: Depart restaurant with ring on finger

      17.45: Finish work, go to bathroom and change to night-time ‘look’

      18.15: Leave office

      18.30: Arrive at Le Max

      18.30–18.45: Glass of wine and light conversation with Adrian

      18.45: Adrian proposes. I accept graciously. The entire restaurant, which has been briefed, claps and cheers.

      Critical event: Adrian proposing

      I am at Le Max at exactly six-thirty pm. My hair is fluffed up and I have added lipstick, the slinky top and a spray of the Le Nuit perfume which Adrian gave me for my birthday. I inspect my reflection in the restaurant door as I open it. I look neat, clean and efficient with a touch of sex appeal. Perfect. No-one would ever know I was a hippie chick from Nimbin.

      I am not trying to be a Dynasty-style vixen or a The Bold and the Beautiful seductress. No, I aim to be the type of woman a man wants on his team – an asset to the corporation, a suitable candidate for a merger and expansion.

      ‘Romantic love is a modern concept,’ Adrian told me the other night. ‘For most of history, marriage was about improving your lot in life, finding a partner to forge ahead with.’

      He didn’t say as much, but it was clear to me he thought I was the partner with whom such productive forging could be achieved.

      The waiter shows me to our pre-booked table. We always take one near the window. Adrian and I are valued customers. Renaldo has a special smile tonight. He has probably been briefed by Adrian.

      ‘Bring me a glass of chilled cabernet sauvignon please.’ Adrian has been teaching me about wine. I was strictly a beer and mixed spirits girl before I met him.

      Renaldo’s brow creases.

      Damn. Cabernet sauvignon must be the red one. Lucky Adrian isn’t here. ‘On second thoughts, make that a sauvignon blanc.’

      His face clears and he departs.

      While I wait for Adrian, I pull out my laptop and start a new email.

      To: Marley Lennon Wright

      From: Summer Dawn Rain Wright

      Subject: The Project Adrian Plan

      I had never intended to see Adrian again after I got off the plane, Marley.

      Sure, I’d felt something when he talked about the Cone of Certainty, but it was like watching an animal in the zoo. It was entertaining, but you don’t want to get intimate with an armadillo. I had nowhere near accepted that I needed what he had.

      But when I touched down in Sydney everything changed.

      I switched