The Heart of Money. Deborah L. Price

      5. What helped you to understand me and my money patterns more?

      6. Was there anything about my story that was confusing or that you would like to know more about?

      “The Story of Us”

      Now that you’ve read and discussed your individual “Story of Us” memories, notice what you both chose to write about and any significant differences in perspectives. For example, do you have similar or different recollections about how you navigated through money issues in your relationship? If so, please know that this is not uncommon. Most of us tend to remember things in relationship to our own experience rather than our partner’s. However, noticing how your partner’s perspective is different from your own can be enlightening, providing new awareness and perspective, and can even help you to know what to do differently in the future.

      For example, when I read the money stories of my clients John and Ann, I noticed that their memories about an early financial agreement were radically different. It was apparent that they’d been operating from assumptions rather than facts. Before they married, John believed that he had been clear about not wanting to be financially responsible for Ann and about the fact that he expected her to pay for her own expenses as well as contribute to their joint expenses. Ann, on the other hand, said that her husband did not want to be responsible for her personal expenses only. Over the years, she had pretty much covered her own personal expenses, such as her car payment, credit card payment, hair and beauty costs, clothes, and groceries. She had “let” John, who earned considerably more, cover the larger expenses, such as their mortgage, taxes, insurance, and vacations. John’s money story indicated that he felt resentful about this.

      As we discussed their situation, they began to see how this pattern had evolved out of a miscommunication. In fact, Ann was happy to pay more to help support their household but had received mixed messages from John. He liked being in charge of their financial house and being the primary breadwinner. However, he sometimes felt taken advantage of — that he was carrying the bulk of the financial burden. He was conflicted and therefore gave mixed messages to Ann. Through their stories, they were able to see where the communication had gone awry, and they were able to work together to resolve it amicably.

      As you learn more about each other through this storytelling process, it is important to determine if there are any communication or money issues to discuss and resolve before moving forward.

      Writing Your Next Chapter

      Regardless of your history, which cannot be undone, the future is still unwritten and can be altered by your present-day awareness and intentions moving forward. How would you both like to have your money story unfold from here? Start the next chapter of your story together based on what you would like to create.

      What old money patterns would you each like to overcome?

      What new money patterns would you each like to develop?

      What money themes would you like to change or embrace?

      What new emotions would you like to experience?

      What beliefs about money would you like to surrender?

      What new money beliefs would you like to develop?

      What is the vision you hold for your future together, personally and financially?

      Write all this down and begin to co-create it today.

       YOURS, MINE, AND OURS: MONEY PATTERNS

       To understand is to perceive patterns.

      — ISAIAH BERLIN, The Proper Study of Mankind

      We are all looking for a home for our heart, our very own safe harbor from the often-stormy sea of life. When we find our love, we experience great joy, gratitude, and contentment unlike anything we have previously known. For a while, we feel that we have finally arrived and nuzzle up to our daily lives together filled with moments of closeness and happiness. As our fantasy slowly drifts into reality, with schedules, routines, and the complications that life often brings without warning or reprieve, we begin to realize that relationships are often more hard work than bliss. Of course, this does not mean that we no longer love our lives and our partners, but as the newness and shine wear off, we are left to live with what our relationship really is, rather than our fantasy. When we become aware that our fantasy has been replaced by reality, we find ourselves at a crossroads in our relationship.

      This phase of relationship is the perfect time to examine our individual and relationship patterns and commit to the long haul. Failure to do this often results in the development of unconscious compensation systems that can erode the intimacy in our relationships. This may manifest as an increased demand for something external, say a new car or home, to replace our unmet emotional needs. Left unmanaged, this behavior can develop into unhealthy money patterns, in which couples project their unresolved issues, silent expectations, and demands onto their partners. As healthy, mature adults, we must seize this time as an opportunity to create something deeper and more meaningful, which hopefully is why you are reading this book.