Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night. Lewis Grizzard

      

      Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night

      Lewis Grizzard

      NEWSOUTH BOOKS

      Montgomery

      Also by Lewis Grizzard

      Kathy Sue Loudermilk, I Love You (1979)

      Glory! Glory! Georgia’s 1980 Championship Season (1981)

      They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat (1982)

      If Love Were Oil, I’d Be About a Quart Low (1983)

      Don’t Sit Under the Grits Tree with Anyone Else But Me (1984)

      Elvis is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself (1984)

      Won’t You Come Home, Billy Bob Bailey? (1985)

      My Daddy Was a Pistol and I’m a Son of a Gun (1986)

      Shoot Low Boys—They’re Riding Shetland Ponies (1986)

      When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room,Will I Be Too Old to Care? (1987)

      Don’t Bend Over in the Garden, Granny—You Know Them Taters Got Eyes (1988)

      Lewis Grizzard’s Advice to the Newly Wed (1989)

      Lewis Grizzard on Fear of Flying (1989)

      If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I’m Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground (1990)

      Does a Wild Bear Chip in the Woods? (1990)

      Chili Dawgs Always Bark at Night (1990)

      Don’t Forget to Call Your Momma; I Wish I Could Call Mine (1991)

      You Can’t Put No Boogie Woogie on the King of Rock and Roll (1991)

      I Haven’t Understood Anything Since 1962 and Other Nekkid Truths (1992)

      I Took a Lickin’ and Kept on Tickin’ and Now I Believe in Miracles (1993)

      The Last Bus to Albuquerque (posthumous) (1994)

      It Wasn’t Always Easy but I Sure Had Fun (posthumous) (1994)

      Grizzardisms: The Wit and Wisdom of Lewis Grizzard (1995)

      Southern by the Grace of God—Lewis Grizzard on the South (1996)

      NewSouth Books

      105 S. Court Street

      Montgomery, AL 36104

      Copyright © 2014 by Dedra Grizzard. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Published in the United States by NewSouth Books, a division of NewSouth, Inc., Montgomery, Alabama.

      ISBN: 978-1-58838-303-7

      eBook ISBN: 978-1-60306-337-1

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2014950462

      Visit www.newsouthbooks.com

      For Christel,

      who helps a lot

      Contents

       Introduction

       1 - A Kinder, Gentler Nation

      Making America a Kinder, Gentler Nation - Call It a Conundrum - America’s Newest Killer - When “The Boys” Grew Up - Let’s Get the Trains on Track - Why Not a Jerk Patrol? - On Water Patrol

       2 - Fashion Tips

      Dress Codes that Need Decoding - Pulling the Wool Over My Eyes - Your Guide to Men’s Leisure Fashion - Living the Battle of the Bulge

       3 - Dining Out

      Fit to Be Tied at the Plaza - My Dogged Addiction - Breakfast with a Kick - Who Needs Self-service? - The One and Only Vidalia Onion - Knowing Where to Draw the Line on Carp - Getting Rid of Ants Is No Picnic - A Grain of Truth in Straight Talk About Cereal

       4 - Religion

      We’re All Still in God’s Waiting Room - Giving the Bird to a Turkey - Humor Out of This World - Pay as You Inter - Enough Is Enough - Was It the Lord’s Work?

       5 - The News

      Where No News Is Good News - Journalism Gone Bonkers - Call Me “MAODWMNSPCG-14HGWS”

       6 - Tee Time

      Why I Get Tee’d Off - My Handicap: Women Golfers - Roughly Speaking, I Play Golf - “The Snake Rule” of Golf - The Course of True Golf

       7 - Man’s Best Friend

      My Dog, the Genius - Going Nuts Over Squirrels - The Stranger and the Lost German Shepherd - My Dog, the Star - Leading a Dog’s Life - A Deuce No Longer Wild - Barking Up the Wrong Tree

       8 - They Call Him Bubba

      His Name Is Nobody’s Business -