I Know How A Butterfly Feels. Ann Palmer

games as to how long it will take me to reach a certain place, how far it is to the mountain or some visual spot. Each hundred miles, I think now it is less than one hundred miles, next ten miles, less than ninety and so on. I set a potential stopping place for the night, then try to push on further to the next town. That game has lasted all my life.

      I knew only one person in Los Angeles. She was a model who hired me in Dallas for a show when she was there. We became friends. I invited her to stay in my home so in return, she invited me to visit her any time. My husband and I had a business trip to Chicago. I wanted to go from there to L.A. and he wanted to go skiing in Colorado so we agreed to take separate return trips. What an exciting visit that was! She invited me to visit her again any time. It was less than a year when I did return. Soon after my arrival, she helped me get a modeling agency. Once I felt I was making a living, I flew back to Texas to have furniture shipped and brought my daughter back on a long train ride. I thought we would both enjoy the scenery from the train but she slept most of the trip.

      My career took me on many different kinds of adventures. Today, younger people’s exciting adventures include mountain or rock climbing, bungee jumping or the wild and crazy TV shows where they eat bugs, etc. To them, my adventures may seem a bit mild. Yet, I heard Edgar Mitchell, the astronaut, say that the inner journey was more exciting than his trip to the moon. My adventures are more about traveling and exploring the beauty of nature as well as the inner beauty and its fascinating journey. If you want to know more about the Hollywood romances, you’ll want to read my book Letters to the Dead: Things I Wish I’d Said that reveals some of my life in the film and TV industries.

      Staying with the present time -- I wish there was a better name for this time in life other than “senior citizen” – personally, I do not like identifying with the word “senior!” What happened to the “good years?” Just as every passage in life has its particular uniqueness, I dare say many of us share this time with aching joints and muscles, excess weight – especially around the mid section, memory that often fails and for many – loneliness or ill health. Glasses become more a part of our wearing apparel. No more high heels for most of us women. Men seem to have more problems with fading hearing than women as well as balding heads. Indigestion – sneaky gas expulsions – memory lapses – are just a few of the negatives.

      On the other hand, it is a glorious time of life to be able to look back at all the silly things we each get so upset and all stressed over in our various youthful stages; just like watching some of the popular television shows and thinking how silly and mundane they are. I don’t mean funny; maybe just plain dumb is a better description. Networks, producers and sponsors fail to acknowledge the huge population of senior citizens with major buying powers. No one wants to get old so they think by ignoring us, they won’t have to identify with their own aging potential. At least we made it here to these senior years! It is amazing the trivial things that we get upset and waste so much good energy over. Once we reach this time in life, we are so grateful for each day we have left! TIME becomes very precious to us. We aren’t afraid to express our opinions be they good or bad. An example is that if I see a cute waiter or waitress, or if they give really good service, I don’t hesitate to tell them. If they give really bad service, I don’t hesitate to tell the manager. It is a time when we can talk to a stranger about unimportant things and it just doesn’t matter. Unfortunately, those people who have given into negativity can be down right cranky and rude. For me, often it is more fun to make outlandish comments. When we realize we are on the downhill side of life, there is no longer the push for a career. Unfortunately many are forced out of opportunities for continuing careers. It is a time when we can divorce ourselves from the hustle and bustle of city life; traffic, bogged down freeways, rude people, smog, anxiety, stress, et al. In failed marriages, in order to get that long needed or desired divorce, one must make a huge decision. Many just don’t have the courage to make a decision to make a major change in their lives. Life does seem easier when there is a husband and wife to support each other in a major life change. I am not a “couple” – I don’t even have family that cares where I am or what I am doing. I don’t mind being alone as I am never really lonely. Since “time” becomes so precious, I had generally rather read a good enlightening book than have superficial chit chat; yet human contact seems a necessity for most of us. One thing I do miss about the Los Angeles area is the excitement of soul-searching conversations with others that broaden one’s own perceptions.

      Somewhere along the way, I saved the following: “A wise old lady of 80 tells her friends, as they reach 60: You have spent 60 years in preparations for life; you will now begin to live. At 60 you have learned what is worthwhile. You have conquered the worst forms of foolishness; you have reached a balance period of life, knowing good from evil, what is precious, what is worthless. Danger is past, the mind is peaceful, evil is forgiven, the affections are strong, envy is weak. It IS the happy age!”

       CHAPTER 2

      

       HOW IT ALL BEGAN

      

      Men and women study all sorts of subjects to become landscape designers. They plan, layout designs, know the ground and climate. The results are beautiful designs that, at least to me, represent the expenditure of a lot of money. The Palm Springs area desert is a perfect example with all its manicured yards and over one hundred golf course sucking up valuable water, filling the earth with insecticides and chemicals. When I observe nature in its natural form, it weathers all earth and storm or drought conditions without fertilizers, landscape designs, etc. Each flower and tree knows exactly what to do to just BE what they are - to bear the exact flower or fruit it is designed to produce. Laid out in a fantastic array of colors, the wild flowers produce indescribably beautiful picture post cards everywhere you look. They don’t select where they will grow. Perhaps the wind, an animal or bird drops them anywhere. They don’t question the soil’s composition; they just grow where they are dropped. I am of nature and grow where I am planted at any particular time in my life. When the time comes, a wind simply blows me to the next place for my spiritual growth. In this case the “wind” is my motor home. For me, everything in life that a person chooses represents their spiritual growth or lack of it. The Universe has no time limits or constraints - it can wait for us.

      Reincarnation seems so obvious. We keep returning on the cycle of life until we reach the center of the wheel where we love so completely and unconditionally that time stands still – there is no linear time – time is eternal. Regardless of the action of the spokes and rim of the wheel, the center of the wheel, where there seems to be no action, is where the power or energy exist. It goes neither backward nor forward. It obtains its power from the outward actions that may experience smooth surfaces, then rocks, chug holes, et al, just as we experience different life challenges, always leading us toward wholeness – the powerful center – our God-soul. Can we really talk to trees and other things in nature? -- Only if we listen with our heart, not the analytical brain. “Nature calls” usually means heading for the bathroom – in my case, it means I have reached a time in life that I desire only to be close to nature – no more freeways, smog, congestion, rude, indifferent humans, no more struggling for self-gratification career pursuits to feed a hungry ego that can never be satisfied – I am one with nature and one with God.

      Blessed with a few special friends who are scattered in different places, it is enough for me most of the time. A man is a very handy thing to have around when living in a motor home. He can also get in the way in small spaces. Most men don’t know what to do with themselves when confined in a small living space. Most women long for time for hobbies that can be accomplished in an RV, in my case the motor home. It takes a special kind of person for full time RV living.

      In my opinion, I think those of us who opt for RV life must have lived in the pioneer days and traveled with the hardships of covered wagons across this country and now travel the country in style with all the comforts of home!

      This is my first adventure in living in a motor home alone. My ex-husband and I had a motor home and traveled a good bit, then bought an Airstream travel trailer that could be towed with a Cadillac with its large engine. I did travel