How I Made My Husband Gay: Myths About Straight Wives. Bonnie Kaye

This was my first task at my new job as detective.

      But instead of moving to ABQ, he got his boss to agree to allow him to work part-time (with a pending divorce) from his residence, now in Portland. He requested this because his father, who lives in Salem, is terminally ill, and he wanted to live close to his father for a while. So why didn’t he move to Salem? Well now we know! Portland has the gay life, not Salem! Even though during our marriage, I asked him if he wanted to go to his father’s place, for Christmas, and he said, “No.” I asked why, and he said, “I don’t want to go there.” So now he wants to LIVE near him? Huh! If nothing makes sense in your life, HE’S GAY!!!

      I wonder now how many other moves have we made unnecessarily? In 1993 when we lived in ABQ, Larry knew he would be a top-contender for making the rank of full colonel, because Larry worked with a general who Larry thought surely would and could promote him. Then at Larry’s request, we moved to Saudi Arabia. Why? I didn’t know. When the review board met, while we lived in Saudi, Larry did NOT make full colonel. The general in Saudi was unable to grant Larry the promotion. Tell me, why would Larry want to move to Saudi when he knew that if he stayed in ABQ, chances would be excellent to make full colonel? Nothing EVER made sense, living in this fraudulent marriage! There had to have been a reason for him to leave ABQ; one that I will probably never know.

      Marc, our son, is a wonderfully compassionate young man, whose personality, and behavior are a result of my efforts alone. Marc never connected to Larry, due to Larry’s lack of presence and effort with him. Larry told Marc on one occasion, “I know it doesn’t SEEM like I love you, but I do.” When a parent is absent MOST of the time, it is very hard to have a relationship of any kind, and expect the child to be well adjusted. Marc told me that he didn’t FEEL Larry’s love. After I told Marc about the divorce, he emailed Larry and said, “Why are you doing this? I can’t concentrate. My grades have gone way down. I’m so depressed.” Larry replied, “I do care. I just wished everyone else cared too.” What a narcissist! Marc was looking for compassion. He only heard a selfish remark from his father!

       How I Found Him Out

      After living in “the fog” of unreality for two months, trying to make sense of why Larry wanted to divorce me, and internalizing the blame because that’s just the way he made me feel all along, I made my discovery. It was in early December 2006. I was able to have a copy of his cell phone records mailed to me. I HATED to have to play detective. Marriage is SUPPOSED to be based on trust. I always thought that he wouldn’t lie to me, since I TRUSTED him. I have never lied to him! I called one particular number from ABQ, NM that stood out, and got a message recording which said, “Hi, This is Steven…” I confronted Larry, and asked him how many Stevens have there been? He looked right at me, and said, “None of your business.” In a legal document, Larry wrote, “I have recently admitted to myself and to my family that I am a gay man.” He never admitted anything to me, our grown daughter, or to our son except in this document. In fact, I never received the truth, understanding, OR an apology for any of his actions during our marriage. I don't believe he would have EVER told me the truth on his own. Yet I know that I deserved his honesty.

       Sex Tells It All

      Well, I REALLY let him off the hook easy on this one! It was below my personal dignity to beg for sex. Actually, we stopped having sex soon after my son was born. Even though I didn’t know what Larry was doing behind my back, how can you help but not “feel” it? Call it woman’s intuition, but I knew something wasn’t right. I knew I didn’t love him any more because of the way he made me feel – finding many faults with me and my family, discounting my opinion on everything, just his “authoritative” personality – never nurturing or compassionate, so I really didn’t want sex with this person that he had become. He couldn’t even hug me. Once in a while I’d give him a hug, and he inflated himself, making his chest hard, and gave me a side-hug. His kisses were mechanical as sex had been with him all along. I think about the “oldies” song called “The Shoo-op Song.” It goes like this: “If you wanna know, if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss – that’s where it is.” Occasionally I see other couples holding hands and this serves as a reminder of what my hopes and dreams were for married life. I have been cheated of all of this. My gay husband robbed me of my dreams, and he doesn’t care. I feel the rape of 28 years times 365 days = 10,220 times, to my inner self!

       The Truth Behind His Lies

      I have lost who I am in this marriage as I tried so hard at solving the insolvable. I believe that he thought that my role in life was to serve him and our children in exchange for his meeting my most basic physical needs like food and shelter. What I will never understand is how Larry destroyed my life, yet he continues to be angry with me. I simply don't get it! His logic is so twisted!

      This has not been a marriage. It has been fraud. After finding out his secret, it doesn’t change the years of emotional neglect or abuse I have experienced, but it does explain it. Last spring he wanted to plant 100 more blueberry plants, and he showed me how to make the rows for planting them by hand using a hoe. I walked away. He got mad. I didn't care any more. I guess I became numb and dealt with it. I was so totally resigned to life without love and affection. I was not educated at all about gay men; I never thought I had to be because who would have thought that a gay man would have any interest in a woman!

      Now I understand that it is because some gay men prey on anyone they think they can manipulate. They think that your misery is their pleasure. It “justifies” them somehow. Many more SHOCKING realizations came to mind AFTER I realized that I have only been his “mock” wife. An example was when he had me sign a waiver when he retired to waive my rights to military survivor benefit insurance. He said he’d have insurance for me, and I trusted him!

      This sick and diabolical person was content to keep the truth from me all-the-while being too selfish to understand what love is. He stayed married until our children were grown, only to blind-side me now. The realization that this man took me as his wife because he was too cowardly to go through life the way that he should--as a gay man--has been indescribably traumatic! So now after investing years of my life trying to make the best of a bad marriage, I am now faced with the nightmare of having to start over. I am still unable to concentrate. I’d like to know how long before I can stop incessantly playing the broken record in my head that holds me prisoner every waking moment since I first discovered that ‘he’s gay!’

      It has been six months now for me, and I only have momentary reprieves of other thoughts in my waking hours. Sometimes I just want to scream if one more person tells me it is time to move on with my life. I know I have to move on, but it is a constant struggle. I often feel paralyzed and am still deeply saddened. For the last eight months, I’ve cried almost every day, living in a daze of disbelief and going through the motions of living, still in a state of confusion and depression.

      The best years of my life have passed in front of my eyes– years where I could have been living a life without deceit, contempt, rejection, and abuse. And now I look around and realize that I can’t get back what I have lost – 28 years! If I would have had a true partner from the beginning, a man who was nurturing and supportive, rather than a man who was just standing in as a husband, who knows where my life would be now. It’s just tragic. Larry stole my life and soul and he did it without thought, notice, or especially remorse!

      Knowing that Larry has been hiding his true identity has left me with an inability to trust my judgment because it has destroyed my own sense of being able to make decisions. I keep asking myself how I could have been so blind… stupid… misled. I start to wonder what else happened in my life that was an illusion. My husband didn’t “appear” gay, but yet he was!

      And so now Larry’s in a big hurry to lead his new life, while I’m still trying to recover from the news. And I’M THE ONE STUCK ON HIS FARM now, while he has begun living his “new” life. I, too, would like to be able to move on and reclaim my life, my soul, and my inner peace. Unlike Larry, however, I feel that this will take me many years. Not only have I lost 28 years with Larry, but many more to come for my recovery.

      It's