Umcuphi ophambeneyo. Umcuphi ohlekisayo. СтаВл Зосимов Премудрословски

imali kokondla. Kwaye umama uyapheka aze atye kuloo nto ndiyifumeneyo. Ndiyifumene?

      – Yamkelekile, iyaqonda, yamkelekile…

      – Wenze kakuhle utata wakho, kwaye …?

      Unyana waphakama kwikhawuntara ye-SMIRNO, njengoko umbingeleli wayeqhuqhile ukumbulala.

      – Wenze kakuhle esitalini, kodwa ndenze kakuhle.!!..

      – .. Asshole… heh heh heh… Salaga. -U-Otila wabetha umva wentloko ngobunono kunyana wakhe, kodwa u-Izya uyekisa kwaye wasondeza isixhobo sokulwa ngqo ngqo edamini (impumlo) kayise, njengoko wayefundisa.

      – Uh..– U-Ottila wagcuma, efihla iintlungu, isandla sakhe simanxaxekile, kwaye amehlo akhe elila iinyembezi, -Hayi ke, ngaba umama uyondla okanye akunjalo?

      – Iimfuno. Ukutya okumnandi … – Unyana waqala ukukhetha kwindlebe yakhe yasekhohlo … -Uye ke udadewethu kwaye ngubani?

      – Kwaye wena nodade wethu?.. kwaye NANGABantu! -utata wancuma wanxiba iiglasi zakhe, wehla etafileni waya kwizitulo wabhala ngokubhekele phaya, eguqa ngamadolo ukuba phezulu.

      – Kwaye kuthetha ukuthini ke kwi-AUTHORity yethu, kuloo veki… lo… omnye uMongameli weza …, waseMelika, i-KGB ilele, kwaye abantu bakhathazeka?

      – Yintoni enye into enje ngumongameli? – Amehlo katata aphuma phantsi kweglasi.

      – Kwaye loo nto ivalela aMandla egumbini xa uhlala kwindlu yangasese iiyure ezintathu,..

      – Kwaye emva koko?

      – .. ke, bayahleka kwaye benyuka, njengeekati ngo-Matshi ezitratweni ebusuku, emva koko bayancwina njenge-piglets xa bengathathi hlangothi. Kwaye uphume-emva kokuhlamba – emanzi.

      – kwaye ndiphi ngeli xesha? -Utata waqhaqha.

      – Kwaye usahlala kwindlu yangasese kangangeyure.., kwaye, njengesiqhelo, ukukhwaza: «yizisa iphepha!!!».

      – Apha, bitch … -sinde kwi-grin yamazinyo ka-General Klop.

      – Kwaye yintoni i «bitch»?

      – Awungekhe uyithethe loo nto kwakhona. Kulungile?

      – Uqondwe, wamkelekile, Amen. -Ndiphinde ndaphakama, kwikhawuntara yeIzza.

      – Unenjongo yokulwa, ukufumana ukuba ngubani uMongameli wesibini.

      – Sele ifunyenwe. Lo ungaphantsi kwakho – Intsefalopath Arutun Karapetovich.

      – Indoda endala le? Uneminyaka engamashumi amathathu mdala kuye, kwaye amashumi amane anesithathu ndimdala kunam. Hei… sisidenge esi, ngaba sisihlobo?

      – Ha ha ha ha!!!! -Emva kwexesha elincinci, utata wavele waqhushumba kwaye waphantse waphuka isitulo sakhe. Injalo ke indlela ahleka ngayo, nokuba igama elicinyiweyo alinakuchazwa, lilize kuphela. Kodwa wabambelela egxalabeni lonyana wakhe. – Owu, ha, kulungile, hamba, kuya kufuneka ndisebenze, kwaye omnye lo Mongameli unamaqanda enkukhu efrijini yakhe ezipokothweni nasezihlangu.

      – Hee-hee, -Iya igcinwe ithule, – kwaye mhlawumbi ikatala?

      – Ufuna ntoni…

      Unyana wayonwabile kwaye wabalekela kwisiqingatha sokuqala sendlu.

      I-protagonist yesibini kunye nomncedisi wokuqala wamapolisa wesithili, u-Corporate Intsefalopat Harutun Karapetovich, owayesakuba ngumbhali gastorbwriter, wafumana umsebenzi kumhlala-phantsi ophakathi, ngenxa yomfazi ka-Ottila, u-Isolda Fifovna Klop-Poryvaylo. Wayemde kathathu kunomphathi wakhe kwaye wayebahlanu ngokuthamba kunkosikazi womphathi wakhe. Impumlo ibutshiwe, njengokhozi kunye neeblukhwe, njengoBudyonny okanye uBarmaley. Ngokubanzi, unyana wokwenene weentaba, lowo ekuqaleni kwePerestroika, ehla esiya etyuwa, ekhubeka kwaye eqagela e-gorge, kanye kwinqwelo yempahla, evulekile ngaphandle kophahla, ngamalahle avela eTbilisi – iSt. Kwisikhululo, uLyuban uvukile waxhuma. Usebenze apha naphaya de wadibana nenkosikazi yepolisa lesithili ngelixa laliselisela. Wamncoma njengomzala ovela kwiCaucasus.

      Uwugqibile umsebenzi, u-Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop, njengamaxesha onke, wathabatha umfanekiso ohleli etafileni kunye nomfanekiso kaMongameli ongafezekanga, waphefumlela phezulu, wawususa engalweni yakhe, wancuma umphambili wakhe kwisithsaba sentloko, wawubeka kwindawo yakhe efanelekileyo kwikona efanelekileyo yetafile, wayifaka ecaleni kwepensile ngeepeni, irabha, neepensile, Ipakethi yamaphephandaba ekhethiweyo asimahla acocekileyo acocekileyo. Wayethiyile iphepha lokuya ngasese. Yinto emincinci kwaye umnwe uhlala ugqojozwa ngalo ngawona mzuzu ubalulekileyo kwaye kuya kufuneka uyisuse. Kwaye ukuyishukumisa kwindawo emxinwa, kukho ithuba lomnwe wokubetha ibhloko yokhuni yangaphakathi kwigumbi lokuhlala laseSoviet elivisayo kunye nokuva iintlungu, isimo sengqondo sakhe senza ukuba umnwe ogulayo ugalelwe ngamathe afudumeleyo, endaweni yoko uve incasa yakhe, neyayinxibe iiyure ezingama-24, ebeka igumbi lokuphumla ngaphandle kwexesha.

      Ukusula ukubila ebunzini lakhe, emaphepheni, ezingalweni, emilenzeni nangaphantsi kwamaqanda, apho wafunga khona nzima, wasebenzisa ithawula lokuhlamba. Uyabuza: kutheni ungayi rag? Impendulo ilula: ithawula likhulu kwaye lihlala ixesha elide.

      Kwakusekuhlwile, kwaye usapho lwalusele luphefumla kudala. U-Ottila, engena kwindawo yokuhlala kule ndlu, bathula cwaka bangena ekhitshini, bathatha itoti yeelitha ezintlanu yokukhanya kwelanga kwifriji. Uhluthwe kwi-huckster yendawo. Wayicinezela esiswini, uthathe nje isoso, apho iqhekeza le-herring, elilunywe yenye yekhaya. Okanye mhlawumbi le bhokhwe indala, i-Intsephalopath, ebingakhange ibrashe amazinyo ubomi bayo bonke kwaye ilume umhlathi wayo nge-caries.

      «Kungenxa yoko le nto bendine-caries,» watsho uKlopa, «wamanga u-Isolde, u-Isolde Izyu, u-Izya usoloko esanga imilebe yam kangangeminyaka emihlanu kunye nesine eziswa esikolweni kanye okanye kabini ngonyaka. Le ayisiyo pedophilism, inye okanye zimbini … – Kodwa amazinyo e-Incephalopath ubukhulu becala amnyama, i-hemp kunye neengcambu zihlala ziphalaza igazi, kodwa uHarutun akazange abuva zintlungu kwaphela. Esi siphene kwiDNA asimenzakalanga nakanye, kodwa sada sanceda ngempumelelo kuphando.

      U-Ottila watyibilika wafuna ukubuyisela ipleyiti endaweni yakhe, kodwa ecaphuka embizeni, wagqiba ekubeni angayideli. Ukukhanya kwelanga kubulala iintsholongwane yonke into. Utshintshe ingqondo, waya etafileni. Kwakukho umabonakude omncinci ekhitshini, kwaye wayikhanyisa endleleni. Apha endleleni, ndiye kwisitovu segesi ndavulela isivalo sepani, ndimi kwi-tiptoe. Iphunga, ekuphelileyo kulo, wayeka ukunxila u-Ottila kwaye wayefuna ngoko nangoko ukutya. Wathatha ikhabhathi: isitya, itafile, ipepile, umngqusho, isonka, imayonesi, ukhilimu omuncu, i-kefir, i-airan, i-kounto, ketchup, igqabi le-bay, i-mug, iicontons ezimbini: ezinkulu nezincinci, kwaye, bezabalaza ukubamba ibhalansi yakhe, waya etafileni, waphakama wadinwa: izandla zozibini zidlulile, zigcwele kakhulu nditsho ndisebenzisa ii-elbows. Yonke into edwelisiweyo ihamba kancinci. U-Ottila wazama ukutyhala iplate etafileni ngempumlo yakhe, kodwa itafile yayiphezulu, kwaye iingqiniba zayo zaqala ukudumba. U-Ottila wakhukhumala kwaye wabeka yonke into kwisitulo. Emva koko waxambulisana kwaye, ecofa isitulo ukuze ubone umabonakude, emi ngakwisitulo, esidla ngokusebenza njenge tafile ebambeleyo, sime, sagalela ikhulu elinamanci mahlanu eekhilitha zenyanga kwilanga lokuphumla saza saziphalaza ngokunzulu, sigcwalisa yonke ngaxeshanye nges swig esinye kwaye sihamba kunye nesandi Isandi gurgling. Wacaphuka njengelamuni yakudala, ngaphandle kokuthandabuza, wabamba isiqwenga se-herring ehlanganisiweyo kunye nesihlanu sayo yonke kwaye waxhuma nesiqingatha kunye namathambo. Iithambo zembiwe kulwimi lwalo kunye nolwimi. Ubuye wancama, kodwa emva koko wakhumbula i-yoga kayise kwaye wayilibala intlungu, njengoko oogogo okanye abantwana balibale izitshixo kunye nezinye izinto ezingabalulekanga. Okulandelayo emgceni yayikhona isobho. Isuphu iqulathe ezi ntlobila zilandelayo: i-peas, i-sauerkraut, iitapile, i-anyanisi egayiweyo kunye ne-carrots kwi-paste yetamatato, iimpondo zengqolowa ezithambileyo, i-semolina, iqanda lenkukhu elixubileyo kunye nesiqwenga sokubamba igobolondo, isiphatho somunwe, ubungakanani bomntu okhulileyo, kwaye linongwe ngeqhekeza elinye lethambo kwinyama ene-veins kumgangatho wepani. Inyama, ekucacileyo, yayityiwa ngaphambili, kumgaqo: «kusapho olukhulu… sukucofa.» Ngokuncanca isobho esiswini esidumbileyo kwaye ijongeka njengamahashe, u-Ottila ubethelwe esiseleni kwaye waphila, ngelixa efumana iindaba ngononophelo. Imagazini elandelayo yeZiko leeFowuni yayikwisikrini seTV:

      – Kwaye yeyona nto inomdla, umthengisi uqhubeke wathi, «… utitshala omnye u-Irkutsk wayengumntu othanda uNikolai Vasilyevich Gogol