Start the Car: The World According to Bumble. David Lloyd

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      The World According to Bumble

      Start the Car

      David Lloyd

       Dedication

      To Diana, Tags, Susan, Phil, Steven, Ben, Spike, Graham, Sharon, Joseph, Joshua, Freddie, Sarah, Enty, Sam, James and Jasmine. Hope you enjoy it!

      Contents

       Title Page

Dedication

      Introduction

      Part 1 – In the Box

      1 That Bloke off the Telly

      2 The Sky Larks

      3 Ranting, Raving and Reviewing

      4 Life’s Tweet

      5 It’s Not What You Say

      Part 2 – In the Middle

      6 Brushed up in Mönchengladbach

      7 The Men in White Coats

      8 Loose Lipped but Card Sharp

      9 Twenty20 Kicks Ass

      10 The Crown Jewels

      11 Crowded Streets, Lonely Hearts, Alarm Clocks and Snakes

      Part 3 – In the Blood

      12 Get ’Em In!

      13 Ian Rush? Who’s He? Exactly!

      14 Hit for Six by a Pensioner

      15 Hitting Sixties

      16 Ooh, What a Ding-Dong Du

      17 I’m Dreaming of a Hot Christmas

      18 Suck-it-and-see Motoring

      19 Every Slumdog Has Its Day

      20 Birdies, Eagles and Mallards

      21 The Million that Got Away

      22 Hit the North

      23 Bumble for Prime Minister

      24 The Regiment

      Photographic Insert

      Acknowledgements

       What next?

      About the Authors

      Copyright

      About the Publisher

      Introduction

      Thanks for buying this book. The proceeds will go to a very good cause, namely the David Lloyd Retirement Fund, and, I assure you, will be redistributed to numerous outlets, in various personal pursuits across the globe. Oh, and rest easy in the knowledge that I will have fun doing so.

      Of course, you might not have put your hand in your pocket to purchase this, so, for those of you who have received it as a gift on Father’s Day, on a birthday or at Christmas and want to pretend you have ploughed from cover to cover; for those of you who really like the thought of reading but never venture much further than the introduction; for those of you who normally do but find it to be the kind of book you just can’t pick up after putting down; for those of you who thought you were investing in the life story of some bloke involved in top-level tennis; for those of you wanting to know no more than the secrets of my successful leisure club empire (you’ll be sadly disappointed); for those of you whose concentration spans waver after a tweet or two; for those of you who have picked this up in the smallest room during a break between courses at a friend’s dinner party – here is the deal. Pretty much every essential detail you need to know about me is listed below. Welcome, however briefly, to my world.

      My 50 Favourite Things

      Career moment (playing): My 214 not out against India, Edgbaston, 1974

      Career moment (broadcasting): Yuvraj Singh’s six sixes in an over off Stuart Broad, World Twenty20, 2007

      Opponent: Joel Garner. He would bowl me out with a bath sponge

      Team-mate: Graham Lloyd

      Modern player: Can’t separate Virender Sehwag and Kevin Pietersen

      Cricket ground: Sydney

      Football team: Accrington Stanley

      Footballer: Duncan Edwards

      Holiday destination: St Ives, Cornwall

      Tipple: A pint of Black Sheep or Timmy T’s

      Meal: Chicken Madras with naan and lime pickle

      Country: United Kingdom

      Insect: Ladybirds are OK

      Saying: ‘Don’t let the bastards grind you down’

      Animal: Dog

      Pastime: Fishing

      Personal item: Motorbike

      Boyhood hero: Ken Barrington

      Book: Tragically, I Was an Only Twin – Peter Cook

      Film: Brassed Off

      Band: The Fall

      Album: Imperial Wax Solvent – The Fall

      Motorway: M6 toll road

      River: Wye

      Hotel: Lygon Arms, Chipping Campden

      Mode of transport: Bike

      Season: Spring

      Beatles or Stones? Stones

      Colour: Black

      Decade: 1960s

      Restaurant: J Sheekey, Covent Garden, London

      Pub: The Hesketh Tavern, Cheadle Hulme

      Advice received: ‘Be yourself’ – my dad

      Advice given: ‘If you are a politician, don’t knock on my door’

      Cake: Fruitcake

      Flower: Rose

      Number: 134

      Condiment: Lancashire Sauce

      Board game: Cluedo

      Gadget: Chainsaw

      Film star: Ray Winstone or Russell Crowe

      TV soap: Emmerdale

      Politician: Not one of them cheating, conniving, low-down dregs of the earth

      Cricket tour: New Zealand

      City: Manchester

      Car: Audi

      Memory: Loss of

      Piece of trivia: Monaco’s army is smaller than its symphony orchestra

      Comedian: Tommy Cooper

      Joke: My granny started jogging in 1998 … we have no idea where she is now.

PART ONE

      Chapter 1

      THAT BLOKE OFF THE TELLY

      Being on television inevitably means you get recognised by people when you are out and about. It is something you become accustomed to, and I have never really had a problem with it, although I did once get freaked out when a bloke came straight out with ‘You’re David Lloyd, aren’t you?’ Because when I say I am recognised, I genuinely am – only never as myself. I have had Rasputin