The World of Karl Pilkington. Karl Pilkington

with me.’ So Ollie’s going ‘Oh brilliant.’

      Ricky: No he’s not.

      Steve: So Ollie gets his hat and coat …

      Karl: He can’t believe his luck right. He goes back to the zookeeper’s house. Everything’s going well for about a week and a half, right.

      Steve: Has he got his own room?

      Karl: He still goes to work and stuff …

      Steve: To the zoo, yeah.

      Karl: To the zoo.

      Ricky: He doesn’t work there!

      Karl: And then he comes back with the zookeeper at night. Anyway, what ended up happening is … he’s back at the house and it’s going well for about a week and a half, he’s sat there, you know he’s having a brandy at night before he goes to bed. The zookeeper noticed that when he took it back to work it was kind of getting flashbacks of not having a good time in the zoo, right. So, it was like, ‘this isn’t helping him out. He’s happy when he’s at home with the brandy and the fags and that, but when he comes back here, he’s starting to look a bit fed up.’ So he said to his wife, ‘Look, you’re at home all day right. I’m going to work. I’ll leave him with you.’ So Ollie stays at home. Anyway as time goes on there’s a little bit of trouble. Whilst the fella’s busy at work, grafting, paying the bills for Ollie at home, Ollie starts getting a little bit cheeky – tries it on with the missus.

      Steve: Whoa! How does a monkey ‘try it on with the missus’?

      Karl: This is classic Monkey News.

      Steve: How does he try it on?

      Ricky: He’s a bit drunk. He stinks of smoke. He tries it on with the missus. How does he try it on with her?

      Karl: I don’t know all the details.

      Ricky: You don’t know any of the details.

      Karl: I don’t know the detail on that bit but …

      Ricky: You don’t know any of the details.

      Steve: So what happens? While the zookeeper’s away the monkey did play. What happened? Did the zookeeper’s wife reciprocate these affections?

      Karl: She probably went along with it at first. You know, she’s cooking at home, getting the tea ready, it’s walking past pinching her arse or whatever. And you know, it starts off just like it does with humans. It starts off as a bit of fun, before you know it … Anyway, the zookeeper and his wife split up in the end. I think the monkey stayed with the woman.

      Ricky: Honestly, your imagination.

      Karl: Just put in ‘monkey/chimp/Ollie’ into the Internet and it’s all there …

       ‘She was sort of mental homeless’

      Karl: I give to charity but I feel like I’m being cheated a bit.

      Ricky: You were conned by a charity weren’t you?

      Karl: I got stopped and they drag you in by saying, ‘Have you got a gran?’, and I said, ‘No they died and that.’ It’s, ‘Oh did they die of the cold?’ ‘No. Ill.’ ‘What did they have?’ ‘Just old age.’ They said, ‘Well, what happens with a lot of people’s grans is they die in the cold, right.’ So, I says ‘That’s bad innit.’ So she’s chatting and she’s showing me pictures of these old women, who look cold, saying ‘Look at her. That’s Edna. She’s got no family. She can’t pay the bills and all that.’

      Ricky: Sure.

      Karl: Anyway it goes on for about fifteen minutes and you feel bad. You give ’em your bank details, right, and what happens is, every couple of months you get a letter from Edna. Well it’s not from her, it’s typed up and what have you, but there’s a picture of Edna and it’s saying ‘Oh, this December Edna is going to be extra cold. It’s cold outside, she can’t afford to pay the heating’ and what have you. So you keep paying every month like £5 or whatever. I get another letter a few months later, right, Edna’s sat there – she’s got a tan!

      Steve: What do you mean, ‘she’s got a tan’?

      Karl: When they said she needs money because she’s cold I thought they meant for the heating – not to send her on holiday for a month. She’s sat there with a tan. I’m not joking.

      Steve: Are you sure it wasn’t just a problem in the printing process?

      Karl: No, no definitely.

      Ricky: Are you sure it wasn’t liver failure?

      Steve: This is a terrible thing to say, but when I see those people approaching now, with the clip-boards, I always get my mobile phone out and pretend I am having a conversation.

      Karl: Yeah, I’ve done that one.

      Steve: The number of fake conversations I’ve had walking past them now.

      Karl: I’ll tell you what, we’ve talked about homeless people before and that, and I walked past one the other day. Don’t you think that if you had a company, it’s worth taking them on? Because they never have a lie in.

      Ricky: Brilliant.

      Karl: When does it become, like, bad to avoid homeless people? Because some people say you shouldn’t, that they’re people like us who have just had a bit of bad luck.

      Ricky: Well of course they are.

      Karl: Yeah, I know but I remember one on our estate and she was a bit – what’s the word that you can use, because I don’t want to offend anyone? She was sort of mental homeless. Is that a term?

      Ricky: That is the official term.

      Karl: Well she lived on the estate and what have you …

      Ricky: How was she homeless if she lived on the estate?

      Karl: Well, she sort of decided to stay round there, because I think people on the estate spoke to her more than people who had money.

      Ricky: Really?

      Karl: So anyway. This mental homeless woman on the estate, what she used to do, right, she acted quite normal and she used to always push a pram around with her, right. And she was dead happy; every day she was walking up and down the road. Anyway one day she walked past me, right, and I turned round and looked in the pram – and there’s a bucket with a face on it!

       ‘I could eat a knob at night.’

      Ricky: Jilly Goolden – now she …

      Steve: What’s she been up to?

      Ricky: Well you saw her in I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here?

      Steve: I haven’t been watching it.

      Ricky: She popped a little kangaroo knob in her mouth, chewed it up.

      Steve: What, it was just lying around?

      Ricky: No, it was just one of the things she had to eat. Carol Thatcher, the daughter of one of our leaders,