Test Your Cat 2: Genius Edition: Confirm your cat’s undiscovered genius!. Simon Holland

other beings in its general vicinity.

      MULTIPLE AWARD

       Be honest – tick the stances you’ve seen your cat adopt on a daily basis, and collect up the scores accordingly. Do not include any postures that are not a regular or daily occurrence.

      

THE TEAPOT: paws tucked under, tail tucked round, all bunched up with face forwards and back curved – all the cat needs is a handle. The teapot stance serves you a tepid cup of disappointment. You clearly could have done better with that thing you should have noticed/should have done. 2 POINTS

      teapot

      

THE REVERSE TEAPOT: not only have you not done what your cat asked you to do, but you’ve overstepped the mark. The rear end of the pot is presented. No cup of warmth can be poured. No eye contact. You’re locked out. 3 POINTS

      reverse teapot

      

THE PARALLELOGRAM: this is a sleeping or relaxing position that denotes complete relaxation, serenity and personal security. Note how the forelimbs lie in a perfectly parallel formation in respect of the hind limbs. 2 POINTS

      parallelogram

      

THE CHAISE LONGUE PLAY-ALONG: when a cat lies on its side like this, with at least one forelimb outstretched, it’s ready to be playful and interactive. 2 POINTS

      chaise longue play-along

      

THE OPEN BOOK OF DECEPTION: one of the more ambiguous postures, this ‘belly up and exposed’ stance exudes a feeling of confidence and contentment – but it’s also a defensive posture, allowing the animal to take a nifty swipe at you if you penetrate its aura of pleasure with your interfering mitts. 3 POINTS

      open book of deception

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      Tail Semaphore

      Thanks to so-called evolutionary progress, we humans have lost our tail, and this is a problem. We can no longer comprehend the full range of signals that animals send out by virtue of their versatile rear appendages. But with a little care and attention, we can try and understand the basic messages contained in the subtle flexings of a domestic cat’s tail.

      MULTIPLE AWARD

       If your cat uses its tail to control or manipulate you in certain ways, then it deserves some points for each of the stylings below – so long as they are employed on either a regular or day-to-day basis.

      

THE NIP AND TUCK: when a cat has its tail hidden beneath its undercarriage, it’s either fearful of something or generally ill-at-ease. 1 POINT

      nip and tuck

      

THE BURNING FUSE: a fast side-to-side or twitching motion could indicate that your cat is highly irritated, or frightened, and about to lash out. 1 POINT

      burning fuse

      

TUNE ME IN: this straight, upward tail shows that your cat is happy, confident and relatively pleased to see you. 2 POINTS

      tune me in

      

RIDDLE ME THIS: this question-mark-shaped tail is indeed asking a question – ‘are you up for some feline interaction?’ It denotes a mood of openness and playfulness. 2 POINTS

      riddle me this

      

THE SLOW ASSASSIN: this tail denotes the deep, lucid intelligence of a bond villain. It moves slowly, from side to side, to mask the fact that the cat is about to attack another animal, person or object. (Nb: may be combined with the bouffant – below). 3 POINTS