A Dialogue Between Dean Swift and Tho. Prior, Esq.. Unknown

a few Generations ago, all were bigotted Slaves to Rome and Popery. Upon this Footing it is, that I will also reckon up to you, our Charter working Schools, as another great Improvement in I–d, and which gave me great Hopes of our drawing prodigious Advantages from them. The Janizaries, who are Sons of Christians taken Captives in their Infancy, are not a greater Strength to the Turks, or a greater weakening to their Enemies, than these Children, will be to our Church and Kingdom. This is the Surest, and safest Method of striking at the Root of the Popish Party, in our divided Country; and will secretly and without Noise or Violence, or the Terror of Penal Laws, sap and undermine their great Support their Numbers, and that old partition Wall of the Irish Tribes, and the English Families, and make us in Time but one People. There are few Counties in the Kingdom, that have not one, or more, Charter Schools establish'd in them; and as the Children, I am told, are computed to near fifteen Hundred, and will probably in a few Years, amount to double that Number, I cannot but hope to see great Effects from this happy Institution.

      Swift. Why truly, Tom, in three or four Centuries, something may be done; but Schools and Children are as slow a way of working, as sowing Acorns, in order to raise Forests, for building Fleets and Cities. Besides, the Funds allowed this noble Design, are so small, as if they were subscrib'd by Papists, in order to cramp it, and lessen its Efficacy; whereas the Contributions ought to be as extended as its Views, and suited to the removal of our great national Defect, our religious Differences. Neither ought such an important Scheme, to be left depending on Fits of good Humour, and the Yearnings of Charity, which are influenced so much by the Variations of popular Opinion, and Changes of Weather, and Times, and Seasons. Withall I must tell you, Tom, that the whole Body of the Popish Clergy, have been so violent in opposing it, by denying the Communion and Absolution, to all their Members, that send Children to such Schools, and cursing it and them, with Bell, Book, and Candle, in all their Congregations, that I apprehend it will be yet harder, to get Children to fill the Schools, than even a Fund to maintain them there.

      Prior. It must be owned the popish Clergy have done their utmost, to discredit and overturn this Design. This however, is a stronger Proof of the exceeding Usefulness of it, than of their Prudence in thwarting it so violently, as they confessedly have done. However, as this is a Scheme which his Majesty has so generously, and so warmly espoused, I am the more inclined to believe, that from his Royal Protection, it will probably operate more expeditiously, than you imagine: And if these wise Priests will consider, that if they go on to undermine these Plans of their Governors, it may force them to blow up at once, their whole Church Government, and oblige all Priests, on pain of High Treason, to take out all their Titles from the King, or Protestant Bishops only, it may make them more cautious and moderate in their mighty Zeal. A Priest in Ireland, shou'd be as quiet, and as passive, as a Protestant Minister in France; and if once they are so, we shall soon find our Charter Schools more crowded than their Mass Houses, and their Parents, as manageable as their Children.

      Swift. I am afraid their fixt Opposition to our Government may produce some wholesome Statutes to curb their ill-judg'd Zeal; but if they behave with Decency, and a due Submission to the Laws and the Government, I shou'd be sorry to see any Severities thought necessary.

      Prior. So shou'd I, and probably their own Prudence and Moderation may prevent it; and to that we may leave it. In short, dear Dean, 'tis as easy removing this Evil, as drawing a loose Tooth, if it gives us no Pain, there it may stay 'till it rots; if it does Pain us, and severely too, out it must go, and let those who give the Pain look to it. But I will drop this Subject, and go on to another considerable Improvement, that has of late Years been carried on with particular Emulation and Success, and that is, the surprising Improvement in the Breed of both our black Cattle, and our Horses. The first of these, we have taken uncommon Care about, by Importing great Numbers of the finest Bulls and Heifers, from England. It is true, the fatal Disease, that infected most of the horned Beasts for some Years past in Great Britain, forc'd us to suspend our Importations of them for some Time; but nevertheless, I will be bold to say, there are but few breeding Counties, on the other Side of the Water, which produce Cattle that excell those, which are bred by a vast many of our Gentlemen, either as to Beauty, Size, Leather, or Milk.

      As to our Horses, it is confest by the best Judges, that by bringing over the noblest Stallions, and the highest bred Mares, we may boast of having raised the Character of both our Racers and Hunters to a surprizing Degree. We send over great Numbers every Year abroad and I am assured, that in the French King's Stables, they make as great a Figure, and are as much esteemed, as those of any Country in Europe, if we except Great Britain. Our Nobility and Gentry, are so passionately fond of keeping fine Studs, and the highest priced Cattle For Blood and Performance, that if they go on, as they have hitherto done, to lay out such large Sums in indulging this Humour, we may in Time expect to pay Part of the dreadful Importation of French Claret, by our Irish Horses.

      Swift. I wonder you don't brag of our Importing Jack-Asses, and breeding Mules here, among your other mighty Nothings you boast of so magnificently. For my part, Tom, I see no great Advantage to the Service of Ireland, that a few private Gentlemen have improv'd the Breed of the horned Cattle. You may as well argue, that some of our Irish Senators marrying a few celebrated Toasts for their Beauty, wou'd improve the natural homeliness of the Commonality.

      Indeed the Improvement made in the Breed of our Irish Horses, I believe will grow very general, and have more enlarged Consequences, among our People, as Racing favours some of their darling Passions, their Indolence and Idleness, Gaming and Drinking, and the helping our Fox-Hunters off, with their Time and their Fortunes, which I ever thought, two of the greatest Burdens to our Irish Gentlemen in the World. If they wou'd turn themselves, to breed Cattle to mount our Troops, or draw our Carriages, they might indeed save us 5000l. a Year, and do something truly beneficial to our Country; but, Tom, they have Souls above the little Views of being useful, and managing their Expences, and keeping our Cash in the Kingdom, are low Arts and Tricks, fitter for the mean Notions of a Merchant or a Mechanick, than Men of Fortune and Family, that are as proud and as thoughtless as so many noble Spaniards.

      Prior. Well, Dean, in spite of all your Objections, I think I have nam'd several considerable Improvements, in our poor Country, which gave me Reason to say, she was on the mending Hand; and I have not nam'd all, for the very encrease of our Numbers of late Years, is a vast Addition to our Strength, Credit, and Figure, as a Nation. I think the Dealers in Political Arithmetick, compute that every Nation, unwasted by Famines, Wars, or Plagues, doubles the Quantity of its People in 250 Years; but I have seen Computations, that between our early Marriages, the Breedyness of our People, the Importations of our Neighbours, the Mildness of our Climate, and the Fertility of our Soil, evidently prove, that we have frequently doubled the Amount of our Inhabitants in half that Time. The Truth is, the matter of Fact is so incontestable, that I need not recollect all the Proofs, on which they ground their Assertion; but I shall only observe to you, Dean, that this is a very singular Advantage, since it is certain, that we out breed the Jews, and in spite of our Wars and Massacres, we seem to multiply like the Polypus, by being cut to Pieces.

      Swift. Stuff and Nonsense! To tell me of our Numbers, when they only serve to multiply our Wretchedness and Miseries: Does this prove us on the mending Hand, as you term it? Why you talk like a Physician, that wanted more Fees for doing nothing! 'Tis hard, Tom, you cannot be in the Right sometimes, and speak Truth now and then. Did ever Man before you boast of having Crowds of Beggars? And what are we else? For I verily think, tho' Sir William Petty says, Nature never design'd above one in 500 to beg by forcing them on the Charity of others, (thro' some Lameness, Crookedness, or other accidental Debility, that incapacitates them to Labour) that in Ireland one in seventy are Beggars, (at least for the Summer Season,) and sixty of the Remainder incapable of relieving them, thro' their own Distresses. All the Advantages we have thro' the encrease of our Inhabitants, is, that for want of being employ'd, they furnish us with Thieves, Pilferers and Sharpers, private Wenches, and common Whores, Cheats and Robbers, Pickpockets, Gamesters, Tinkers and Vagabonds. We get also by this blessed means some Foundlings for our Hospitals, and Brats for our Charter Schools, Shoe-boys, and News Criers, and when they're grown up, Recruits for the holy Convents and Nunneries, and the wise and reverend Body of the Popish