Secret Child. Andrew Crofts

say would persuade him to give even the slightest clue as to what he got up to when he was outside the house.

      There was no question in either Bill or Cathleen’s minds when they were together that their relationship was serious, but they also both knew that it could not progress any further until they confessed to their respective families. For two years they managed to convince themselves that it was ‘too early’ to take such a drastic and potentially painful step and they continued their relationship in secret, meeting in pubs, going to the picture house and taking the bike up into the mountains for the occasional nights away.

      The first person Bill confided in was his brother Eddie, who had moved to England and was working as a joiner on the film sets. ‘I’ve met a wonderful woman,’ Bill wrote, ‘and she has encouraged me to set up my own workshop, which has turned out to be very successful. The problem is that she is from a Catholic family and I’m not sure how to break the news to our mother and sisters.’

      Eddie wrote back immediately, delighted to hear that his brother had finally met someone but sharing his concerns. ‘I can hardly imagine them welcoming a Catholic into the family with open arms. I fear that Susie and Annie may be particularly venomous when they find out. If I were you I would break the news to our mother first and the sisters later. Take it in stages to ease the pain. If you want a future with this lady then there is no escaping what you have to do.’

      Bill knew that Eddie was right and he sat his mother down at her kitchen table the next day. She was a tiny slip of a woman who had lived all her life in Dublin and went on to reach the great age of ninety-five despite endless health scares. He started by opening up his heart to her.

      ‘I’ve met the most wonderful woman,’ he said and she clapped her labour-reddened hands together in excitement at the news.

      ‘Oh, Bill, that is the best news possible. What is she like, this wonderful woman?’

      ‘She is very beautiful, with blonde hair and blue eyes. We get on so well. We never argue. She’s a hard worker. She has a job in a hotel. Her brother is a good friend of mine.’

      ‘How long has this been going on?’

      ‘Two years.’

      ‘Two years, Bill? Why on earth have you kept her a secret all this time?’

      ‘Well, you know me, Mammy,’ he grinned. ‘I didn’t want everyone making a fuss.’

      ‘I know you like your privacy, son, but two years is a little extreme, don’t you think? Even for you.’

      ‘Perhaps. But now I’ve gone and told you.’

      ‘Ah, we all knew something was going on. We guessed it was a woman. I am so happy for your, darling Bill.’ She placed her hands around his face and pulled him towards her, kissing him on the forehead. ‘So, when can I meet this lovely woman?’

      ‘Soon,’ he said, ‘but it has to be the right time …’

      At that moment Susie and Annie entered the room and immediately saw from the expression on their mother’s face that something momentous was going on.

      ‘Bill has met a woman,’ their mother blurted out, ‘just as we suspected. They’ve been going out for two years.’

      ‘Two years?’ Susie said. ‘She must be a very special girl for you to have wanted to keep her to yourself for so long.’

      ‘She is very special,’ Bill smiled shyly, ‘that’s for sure.’

      ‘Who’s the lucky lady?’ Annie asked. ‘Why haven’t we met her before?’

      Bill could see that as the news sunk in their suspicions were rising to the surface. He lowered his eyes to the table and wished he hadn’t let the cat out of the bag. Things were now running out of control. This was not how he had planned it. All he wanted now was to escape to the pub where no one would ever ask you awkward personal questions.

      ‘So,’ Annie insisted, ‘what’s her name?’

      Bill remained silent for a few moments and the tension in the room rose. ‘Cathleen,’ he mumbled eventually.

      ‘Cathleen?’ Susie said. ‘Cathleen who? For goodness sake stop being so coy, Bill!’

      ‘Cathleen Crae,’ Bill growled, still not taking his eyes off the table.

      It was like a bomb had gone off in the room. Everyone there knew that Crae could only be a Catholic name. No one spoke as they took in the enormity of what they were being told. Bill waited without raising his eyes, not wanting to see the expressions on their faces.

      Annie eventually broke the silence. ‘Surely you’re not serious about a Catholic, Bill?’

      Bill said nothing. He had known that they would disapprove, but deep inside he had allowed himself to hope that they would be pleased for him all the same, that they would wish him luck despite their reservations. From the continuing silence he knew that they were never going to come round to approving of a mixed relationship. They were making it perfectly clear that it was a matter of principle and once they had taken that stand there would be no going back. He dreaded having to go to Cathleen and confess that he was never going to be able to get his family to accept her. He knew she would be devastated by the news and the implications it carried for their future life together.

      Without saying another word he stood up and left the house, walking to the pub to drown his sorrows among his male friends. As the Guinness started to give him renewed strength he felt his spirits rise. Maybe it was just a knee-jerk reaction. Maybe once they had thought about it his sisters would realise that Cathleen made him happy and that that was more important than the religion that she happened to be born into. He went on drinking until late; wanting to be sure everyone would be asleep by the time he got home.

      The moment he woke up sober the next morning he knew that they had been false hopes. The atmosphere in the house was tense and heavy, as if there was an impending storm. His sisters kept on niggling at him in the following days, refusing to allow him to escape from the drama that he had created at the heart of the family. He ignored them for as long as he could, but eventually the storm broke and the shouting started in earnest. Things were said that could never be taken back and Bill was terrified that it would all lead to him losing Cathleen, the only person he now wanted in his life. If he had to choose between her and his family he had no doubt what his choice would be, but would Cathleen be willing to attach herself to a man who had alienated his whole family, including his mother? Would she be willing to spend her life with a man knowing that his family despised her and would never allow her over the threshold of their home?

      The easiest way for him to avoid the pain and worry was to go to the pub and stand at a bar with his friends, buying round after round and allowing the difficulties of the world outside to drift on without him. He found visiting Cathleen at the hotel increasingly hard, because he could see that she wanted to talk about their future and about their family problems and he just didn’t want to have to break the news that he was never going to win his mother and sisters over. He knew he should grasp the nettle and be honest and open with her, but he couldn’t bear the thought of her telling him that there was no future for them. Instead he told Cathleen that the reason he wasn’t getting to see her so much was because of pressures of work, but she wasn’t fooled by such a transparent lie. When he hadn’t shown up for a week she went out looking for him. It wasn’t hard to find him, propping up the bar in O’Brien’s.

      ‘Hello, Bill,’ she said, trying to pretend that it was the most natural thing in the world for a young woman to walk into a bar like this on her own. ‘I was worried about you. You haven’t been around for a while.’

      Recovering from the shock of seeing her, Bill tried to straighten up but was unable to stop himself from swaying. Cathleen pretended not to notice.

      ‘Cathleen, my dear,’ he said, her name slurring on his tongue, ‘let me get you a drink.’

      ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic, Bill,’ she said. ‘Can we sit down?’

      Once