F**k: An Irreverent History of the F-Word. Rufus Lodge

of any language that he could not repeat in genteel society. Yet the doctor was not deaf to the existence of such terms. In a true meeting of eighteenth-century giants, Johnson was once asked by actor David Garrick to name the greatest pleasure in life. His reply, Garrick related, was ‘fucking; and second was drinking. And therefore he wondered why there were no more drunkards, for all could drink, though all could not fuck.’

      One of those who could undoubtedly do both was Johnson’s Boswell – the original Boswell of the cliché, in fact, who in his journals reported that a prostitute named Louise had congratulated him on the remarkable feat of achieving intercourse five times within a single night. This was, of course, James Boswell, who dogged the doctor’s footsteps for several decades, committing all the great man’s aperçus et bons mots to paper. He duly chronicled the ‘fucking and drinking’ quip, but (to the disappointment of students for centuries thereafter) elected not to include it in his epic Life of Samuel Johnson, reserving his multiple volumes for all the discussions in which the doctor triumphed over his interlocutors without resorting to the F-word.

      All Over the Effing Place

       (Some of) the Many Faces of the F-Word

      FUCK: verb (intransitive)

      To have sexual intercourse. ‘I fuck as often as I can.’

      FUCK: verb (transitive)

      To have sexual intercourse with someone. ‘I fuck my wife as often as I can.’

      To damn or dismiss something or somebody: ‘Fuck my wife!’

      To exploit: ‘If she asks for a divorce, I’m going to fuck her completely when it comes to a settlement.’

      FUCK: verb (often with additions)

      To mess things or people up: ‘I’m going to fuck up my wife and fuck with her head for asking for a divorce.’

      To make a mistake: ‘I may have fucked up when I told her I fancied my secretary.’

      FUCK: noun

      The act of sexual intercourse: ‘I caught my wife having a fuck with her lover.’

      One thrust in the act of sexual intercourse: ‘Then she said that he gave her one last enormous fuck, and she came. Again.’

      Someone who has sexual intercourse: ‘I’m the best fuck in town, despite what my wife may tell you.’

      A bastard, a rascal: ‘That guy who’s fucking my wife is such a fuck.’

      Something of no value: ‘I couldn’t give a fuck about that fucker.’

      Something of some quantity: ‘She says his organ is as big as fuck.’

      FUCK: exclamation (often with additions)

      An expression of contempt: ‘Fuck off! What do you see in this guy?’

      An expression of annoyance: ‘Fuck! I saw him at the golf club. His penis is huge!’

      An expression of surprise: ‘Fuck me! How does he get it in his trousers?’

      FUCKER: noun

      Someone who has sexual intercourse: ‘She says her lover is an amazing fucker …’

      A bastard, a rascal: ‘… but he’s just a complete fucker as far as I’m concerned.’

      Something bad: ‘She’s leaving me for him. Isn’t that a fucker?’

      FUCKED: adjective

      Pertaining to sexual intercourse: ‘She said that for the first time in her life she felt utterly and completely fucked.’

      Pertaining to exhaustion: ‘And then she had the nerve to say, “We’ve done it so many times, I’m completely fucked”.’

      Pertaining to drink/drugs: ‘I had so many vodkas to get over the shock that I was completely fucked.’

      Pertaining to exploitation: ‘She’s getting fucked, and I’m left feeling fucked.’

      Pertaining to mental derangement: ‘She is totally fucked, going for this guy, just because he’s great in bed. And has a huge penis. And an apartment in Nice. And a private jet.’

      FUCKING: noun

      An act of sexual intercourse: ‘She says he’s coming round again tonight, to give her a proper fucking.’

      An act of exploitation: ‘I’m paying the bills, he’s screwing my wife, and I’m getting a good fucking.’

      FUCKING: participle

      Having sexual intercourse: ‘I caught the pair of them, fucking on the new sofa. Where did we get it? Ikea, actually.’

      FUCKING: intensifying adjective

      Something negative and annoying: ‘That sofa is fucking ruined.’

      A sentence-filler that expresses extreme emotion: ‘No one seems to want to go near it. I might as well chop the fucking thing off.’

       Extensions

      A Bit on the Side

      Not content with its reputation as an all-purpose, linguistic assault weapon, the F-word also has a penchant for seeking out company. It has the power to transform the most innocent of words into verbal grenades, as these examples demonstrate …

      ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY: A prime example of what the linguists call ‘infixation’, in which one word insists on sitting right in the middle of another. Now you know what it’s called, you can make up your own examples.

      BUMBLEFUCK: ‘Bumble’ stands for ‘bumbling idiot’; ‘fuck’ stands for everything that it usually does. So a ‘bumblefuck’ is a ‘fucker’ who is also an idiot: or an idiot, in other words. When applied to a situation, a bumblefuck is one that was probably designed by a whole circus of bumblefucks, and thus should be avoided wherever possible.

      BUMFUCK: Forget the obvious definition, which is … yes, you’ve got it. A ‘bumfuck’ can also be a ‘bum fuck’: that is, someone with whom it is not much fun to share a sleeping bag. On the basis that someone’s sexual etiquette is probably a reflection of their wider character, the word can also be applied to a person who is unpleasant with clothes on or off.

      CLUSTERFUCK: A remarkably descriptive American term for a scene in which there are lots of people doing lots of unusual things with lots of other people, and none of them are wearing any undergarments. Fine as a fantasy, but actually rather annoying in real life, believe me. And so, by extension, it also applies to a situation that is extremely chaotic – but not actually that enjoyable.

      FACEFUCK: At the risk of turning this into a sexual guidebook, ‘facefuck’ is a way of describing oral sex, particularly fellatio; and even more particularly if the person doing the sucking is lying on their back with an open mouth. Someone who is ‘facefucked’, however, is more likely in the twenty-first century to be ‘off their face’ having ingested something smaller, but probably more dangerous, in the way of drugs.

      FINGERFUCK: A social activity in which a finger – or more: adjust according to taste – becomes an explorer, if you like, of dark caverns.

      FLYING FUCKLAND: A more modern and less poetic way of saying ‘Cloudcuckooland’ – a place of fantasy that could surely not exist in real life. Editor’s note: outside the pages of Erica Jong’s novel Fear of Flying, a flying fuck is rarely a good thing.

      FUCKAHOLIC: An alcoholic is addicted to alcohol; a workaholic never leaves the office; a fuckaholic will fuck you even if you’re an alcoholic and a workaholic, because they simply don’t care where they