Bonkers: A Real Mum's Hilariously Honest tales of Motherhood, Mayhem and Mental Health. Olivia Siegl

you can have a pregnancy that makes you wish each day away, not to be closer to the day you get to hold your baby, but to be closer to the day where you will no longer feel like death warmed up. I am here to tell you that if you are currently feeling like this or have felt like this, you are not alone. It’s OK, you are not the devil just because you don’t or didn’t enjoy being pregnant.

      Pregnancy is also a time when we can start to feel judged on the decisions we make – from what we eat and how we exercise to what type of birth we are planning. This is where I felt the first elements of judgement starting to trickle into my life. What ‘type’ of pregnant was I going to be? The cool and easy-going pregnant, carrying on as normal, eating what I liked, socialising in flats and not batting a knackered eyelid at being designated driver YET AGAIN? The whingy and precious pregnant, griping about everything from how tired I was to how fat I was getting? The crazy neurotic pregnant, worrying over every little thing, doing everything by the book and not daring to have uncooked meat in the house let alone on my plate? Or the earth mother pregnant, walking barefoot, wafting joss sticks and ensuring an environment of positivity at all times around my growing bump and praying to Aluna, my pregnancy goddess. (Please note I have no idea who Aluna is. Cool name, though. Big shout out to any of you Alunas out there.)

      The judgement also seeped into how I looked. Was my bump going to be ‘neat and tidy’ or more like an out-of-control oil spill in the Pacific, smothering everything in its path? Was I going to look fifty-seven weeks rather than the seventeen weeks I was? Or would bump and I look like a celeb mum rocking the chic bump without the heaven of a maternity legging in sight (I still miss them!)?

      I came to realise the sorry (and, quite frankly, disturbing) levels of judgement fired down on pregnant women when I was stopped in the street by someone I barely knew, who proceeded to compliment me on how well I looked (nice) and how tiny my bump was. (Apparently, having a small bump and hardly looking pregnant equates to looking well; seems a bit weird.) Then she started to rip pieces out of another pregnant lady she knew who had ‘a massive bump’, telling me I should be ‘grateful’ because I looked so much better than her. WTF? I stood there in shock as one woman ripped into a pregnant woman about how she looked. It was offensive. It was uncalled for. It was a judgemental attack I had not seen since the playground.

      I often think this was one of the first instances when I felt an urge to stand up for and protect other mums and mums-to-be. This was the place where my passion and fire was lit in honour of supporting every mum – no judgement. It was an empowering realisation that it is our job as women to lift up our fellow warriors on the battlefield of life rather than to be the ones slaying them and leaving them gurgling facedown in the mud.

      The judgement I encountered during both pregnancies, and the huge differences I experienced, has fuelled my belief that us mums need to be prepared for whatever pregnancy throws at us, to ensure that we are not left in a bedraggled state before the hard work really starts – once we’ve pushed out our tiny humans into the world and life gets real.

      Not in any of the pregnancy books that I read, did it ever mention that being pregnant is not always a walk in the park. That at times it can be a bit crap and at other times downright terrifying. That as life-affirming and wonderful and as easy as it can be for some, for others it can be anything but. That not everyone gets the cookie cutter pregnancy described in the media. That, like pregnancy bumps, pregnancy itself comes in all shapes and sizes and we should all be talking about ALL experiences of it (the good, the bad and the scary), to ensure we are all as prepared and as mentally strong as possible for whatever comes our way. Most importantly, we should not be judging other mums but empowering and supporting every mum through their pregnancies.

       THE BULLS*** TO IGNORE WHEN PREGNANT

      One of the things that always bemused me – and, if I’m honest, felt pressured by – was the amount of opinions laid on me while pregnant. From how I should be acting, feeling and dressing to how big my bump was, to what I should or should not be eating. The list goes on and on and on and on and on until you want to stick your own cankle in your mouth (or theirs) to make them stop!

      I wish someone had told me that I didn’t have to take it all on board or so personally. That just because advice is offered I didn’t have to take it. And that, more importantly, advice is a bit like shoes: you don’t have room in your wardrobe for every pair. Some you won’t like, and some, which you think will be perfect for you, won’t fit at all. Most importantly, sometimes you will say to hell with it all and instead walk barefoot, shoe- and advice-free.

      This is what really inspired me to put pen to paper, so that mums-to-be who found themselves in some of the situations I faced during my pregnancies would know they are not alone. That they don’t have to give a crap about what anyone else thinks; the only opinion which really matters is their own. It’s your pregnancy, your body and your baby, after all!

      With that in mind, here is my list of the bullshit to ignore when pregnant:

       1. ‘Remember you are pregnant, not ill.’

      Really? Have you really just said that to my face? To my green around the gills, If I have to smell a waft of air freshener or whiff another overripe banana I am going to puke my guts up. Oh, and I should feel grateful should I that I have only twelve weeks of this to endure all whilst pretending that I am fine and bloody dandy? That my boobs don’t ache beyond recognition? That my skin is not itching all over like I am infested with a billion creepy crawlies? That I am rushing to the toilet to dry retch every half-hour? All whilst my brain is on high alert panicking over every slight twinge and my body just wants to wave the white flag and surrender into a crumpled heap on the floor.

      Anyone who dares to breathe these words to you whilst pregnant deserves a short, sharp punch in the gut.

       2. ‘Don’t be too precious about yourself.’

      WTF? You are growing a human being all on your own. That’s right: tiny feet, hands, heart and a brain, to name just a few of the awe-inspiring tasks you are completing on a weekly basis! If anyone deserves to be treated like a precious commodity, it is you and your growing bump! Over the years, the term ‘precious’ has been used as a derogatory term. ‘Ooh, she’s a bit precious’, ‘Ooh, you don’t have to be so precious about yourself.’ Well I am saying a big up yours to these idiots who dare say this to expectant or new mums.

      Taking care of yourself and doing what feels right for you and your bump whilst pregnant is top of your agenda – and to hell with anyone who uses the p-word.

       3. ‘You have to carry on as normal.’

      Normal – are you kidding me? There is nothing normal or day-to-day about harbouring a human stowaway in your body for nine months and then passing it through the eye of a needle that is your vagina. If you feel great and want to go to all the social engagements and gym classes going, fantastic! However, if the thought of keeping up appearances and making out that you feel blooming and bursting with energy is making you want to squeeze lemon onto the backs of your eyeballs, then just say no! Yes, the magic word that evaporates all the responsibilities and hassle of having to get ready in a bump-flattering outfit, paint on a smile and pretend that you wouldn’t rather be at home in your PJs, watching Corrie and eating chocolate biscuits.

       4. ‘In my day there was none of this nonsense about what you should and shouldn’t be doing when pregnant.’

      Yes, but you also had parent and baby books advising you that smoking was OK as long as it was in moderation! Obviously, there are some things that can now seem a bit OTT when it comes to all the things pregnant mums need to remember as out of bounds and harmful to themselves and their growing baby. However, some of these restrictions are there for a valid reason (aka medical advances) and just because they were not around thirty years ago does not mean that they are a scaremongering tactic or that as mums we are being fussy and overcautious if we abide by them. We are just doing what we have been advised is the best way to bring our baby into this world, so please don’t try and make us feel otherwise.

       5. ‘Once you get that