Mums Just Wanna Have Fun. Lucie Wheeler

heart was racing now as she battled to keep the tears at bay. She didn’t do crying – it was a sign of weakness and she wasn’t weak. She was a lot of things – shit at being a housewife, a lame mother at times, a rubbish cook and a workaholic – but she wasn’t weak.

      Nancy stood up and walked back into her room, slamming the door behind her.

      Harriet sat for a minute looking at the screen of numbers and Excel spreadsheets trying to blink away the moisture that was filling her eyes. After a moment she slammed the laptop lid closed and walked into the bathroom. If she was going to do this crying lark, she needed to do it in the shower where no one would see her.

      She threw the bathroom door shut and leaned onto the sink, looking at her face in the mirror. Her perfect hair was still in place and her outfit today screamed Milan catwalk, but inside she was broken.

      She took a tissue and dabbed at the corners of her eyes where tears were threatening to spill over. ‘Damn emotions!’ she sniffed. ‘This is why I like business meetings – no fucking emotion involved. Just get the job done and get out. None of this stupid crying malarkey. I mean what is that about?’ She paused and looked at herself in the mirror again. ‘And this is why you’re single, Hari – you need to stop talking to yourself!’

      She sat on the closed toilet seat and shut her eyes, taking a few deep breaths as her racing heartbeat slowed to a steady pulse. It wasn’t even that mean a comment from Nancy, Harriet had had worse said to her. The fact that she overreacted to this conversation didn’t go unmissed by her. But she was already feeling exposed about the situation and whilst most of the time she pushed all the thoughts and feelings associated with her ex to the back of her mind, occasionally they seeped out and consumed her. It wasn’t enough that she felt stressed and inadequate as a mum, she also missed Andy. A lot. She’d been devastated when he’d left but she’d masked her true upset. Now it was too late to reconcile with him as he had moved on and had nothing to do with Harriet or the children. That alone told her he wasn’t worth it – it didn’t stop her missing him though. Missing the times they’d had. Before the children and prior to Harriet starting up her own company, the two of them had had lots of fun together. They just weren’t strong enough to grow into adulthood together. And as for the friends, well, who needed loads of friends anyway? She had Nancy and the people at work, and they all understood. It stung when she stopped getting invited out to things, but she soon learned to get over it and concentrate on what really mattered. It was much easier to throw herself into work than to address why people didn’t want to be around her anymore. She didn’t like the person she had become – she didn’t need others telling her they felt the same too.

      She shook her head and straightened up. Hissy fit over, she had some emails to send.

       Chapter 12

      ‘Listen, I’m sorry about earlier. I was out of order and I shouldn’t have said what I did.’ Harriet waved off Nancy’s comment. ‘I didn’t mean it, you know, I just hate seeing you so worked to the bone – I don’t want you to burn out, that’s all.’

      ‘It’s fine, I shouldn’t have shouted at you. Just a bit stressed that’s all.’ The response was clipped, it clearly wasn’t OK.

      Nancy speared a potato onto her fork ignoring the finality in Harriet’s voice. She couldn’t have things strained between them whilst they were away. ‘But that’s what I mean; you’ve been stressed for the last four years – when do you give yourself a break?’

      ‘A company doesn’t get off its feet if the owners want to take a break every five minutes. You get out what you put in.’ Harriet didn’t take her eyes off her plate, making herself look far too busy with cutting up her food. It was obvious she was doing it as a distraction.

      ‘Yes, true, but when the owner is sending emails from her hospital bed after having just had a baby, there’s got to be a line drawn, surely?’ Nancy remembered the day she visited Harriet after she’d had Tommy and was shocked to see her have a complete work desk set up in the hospital. Laptop out, phone next to it and a coffee on the side as Tommy slept in the cot next to her. The nurses must’ve thought she was crazy, Nancy sure had. ‘You were like a woman possessed; tapping away on emails with one hand, your phone going between your ear and your shoulder and I’m pretty sure you had a conference call at one point over the course of that day too. I mean, that’s just crazy. You have to learn when to stop and breathe.’

      ‘Are we really going to do this at dinner or can we enjoy it? I’m not working right now, am I? Yet you seem set on talking about work!’

      Nancy was taken back by her abruptness. ‘I’m not having a go—’

      ‘Could’ve fooled me.’ Hari snapped back.

      ‘Hey! I’m just saying this because I care. Why don’t you take a step back for a second? You have employees working on stuff, you said yourself that things are quieter at the moment before your next big contract comes in – I don’t understand why you have to be going at 100 miles per hour every second of every day. It makes me tired just watching you.’ Nancy laughed to try and lighten the mood.

      ‘Can we just change the subject please?’

      Nancy shrugged and continued eating her dinner. She certainly hadn’t planned to come away on holiday and row. It was supposed to be fun. Harriet was overreacting but there was no point in trying to talk about work with her whilst she was still in a mood. It was definitely something that Nancy was not going to give up on though. Harriet kept saying how Nancy had had a tough year and needed a break – the truth could be said about her too. She was just too bloody stubborn to admit it. But this was a conversation for another time, maybe after a few cocktails. ‘So what’s the plan for tomorrow?’

      ‘Waterpark!’ Isla shouted and banged on the table.

      Tommy saw his sister do it and started repeatedly banging on the table in response. Isla giggled and joined in, chanting waterpark, waterpark, waterpark.

      Jack clutched at his ears – Nancy had managed to pry his iPad and headphones away from him so he would eat something.

      ‘OK, OK, that’s enough you two. Look, you’re upsetting Jack.’ Harriet pointed to Jack and Isla looked over.

      ‘Sorry Jack,’ Isla said, and looked guiltily at Nancy.

      ‘It’s OK, sweetheart, he’s fine.’ Nancy hated it when other children’s fun was cut short because it upset Jack. He didn’t like loud noises, new people, being touched … the list of triggers was only growing, and she was becoming more and more aware of how difficult life was for him.

      ‘I’m up for the waterpark if you are Nancy?’

      Nancy looked at Jack. He was never going to like it, but why should the others suffer because he didn’t want to go? Maybe he would try it – although she didn’t hold out much hope. ‘Jack?’ she said, placing a hand on his forearm gently so he knew she was talking to him. He looked at her with his big blue eyes. ‘Shall we go to the waterpark tomorrow? It will have slides and a swimming pool and it will be lots of fun.’

      Already he was shaking his head.

      ‘Come on, just give it a try?’

      ‘I don’t like water.’

      ‘You don’t have to go in – just dangle your feet like you did earlier today in the swimming pool?’

      ‘When the boy came to talk to me.’ It was a statement rather than a question and Nancy felt a small bolt of elation as she realised he had probably taken more notice of Aiden when he came over earlier than he let on.

      ‘That’s right. That little boy was called Aiden. He wanted to be your friend.’

      ‘I don’t like friends.’

      ‘Of course you do – everyone likes to have friends.’