Me, You and Tiramisu. Charlotte Butterfield

Abi’s insistence, which she thought should really be renamed lookingfor‌aquickbonk.com because every bloke’s interest had evaporated once she’d made it clear that she wanted dinner first. She didn’t think it was too much of a hardship for a man to endure a meal with her if mediocre but enthusiastic lovemaking might be on the menu after, but it turned out that it was.

      ‘Okay, Mister, I’m going to enter into the spirit of this because, well, we’re clearly not getting our teeth seen to any time soon. Quick-fire round. Favourite character of all time?’

      ‘Huckleberry Finn. You?’

      ‘Jane Austen’s Marianne Dashwood.’

      ‘Predictable, but it’s your call. Favourite book from childhood?

      ‘The Magic Faraway Tree.’

      ‘Excellent choice. I loved Moonface. And Mr Saucepanhead.’

      ‘Saucepan Man.’

      ‘What?’

      ‘His name was Saucepan Man, you said Saucepanhead.’

      ‘You say tom-arto, I say tom-ay-to.’

      ‘Well, no, we both say tom-arto, because we are not from the Land of the Brave.’

      ‘Speak for yourself,’ He comically puffed out his chest and affected a deep baritone voice, ‘I am incredibly courageous.’

      ‘I don’t doubt it,’ she quipped back without missing a beat, ‘but just to prove it, what was the last macho thing that you did?’

      Still in character as Johnny Bravo he said, ‘well, I asked an attractive stranger sitting next to me in a waiting room for her number so we can meet up and celebrate our clean teeth by drinking red wine and coffee.’

      The invitation had been so unexpected Jayne almost had to sit on her hands to stop them from applauding. Quickly composing herself, she replied with what she hoped was a tone of flirty sarcasm, ‘Wow, you are a charmer.’

      The elderly lady next to Jayne who had been following their exchange with a barely concealed smile reluctantly left her seat after being called by the clipboard-wielding receptionist, but not before giving Jayne a little wink.

      Jayne moved her coat and scarf off her lap and onto the warm vacant seat. ‘I need to save this for my twin, she’s meeting me here after my appointment,’ she felt the need to explain.

      ‘Oh my, there are two of you?’

      ‘Yep, non-identical. The only thing we share is a birthday, though, so you can put your seedy thoughts back in their box.’

      ‘Seedy thoughts, indeed. Jeez, a second ago I was a charmer and now I’m a pervert. How did that happen?’

      ‘It’s a delicate tightrope you walk. Right, back to books. What’s your favourite last line of a book?’

      ‘Oooo, good question, but very easy. ‘The president of the immortals had ended his sport with Blank.’ Who’s Blank?’

      ‘So simple you’re embarrassing yourself – and the answer is Tess of the D’Urbervilles.’

      ‘She shoots, she scores. Okay, maybe that one was too easy, how about …’

      He was cut off mid-sentence by a woolly mammoth smothering Jayne in a bear hug. ‘Oh my God, Jayney, I’m so sorry I’m late!’ Rachel shrugged off her huge fake-fur coat, and plonked herself down on the spare chair. ‘Rubbish day, didn’t stop, so sorry, were you waiting long? She suddenly stopped, aware that she’d interrupted a conversation. ‘Oh Jeez, sorry, who are you?’ she stuck her hand out over Jayne, and he slowly took it.

      ‘Will.’

      His name was Will. They’d been talking for a quarter of an hour and her sister had managed to get this information in under a minute. It had never even occurred to Jayne to ask him his name; maybe this was why she was still single. Finding out his literary preferences seemed much more important than what his parents had decided to call him.

      ‘I know you – I’m sure I do,’ Rachel was peering at him, eyes narrowed.

      A little part of Jayne started to wither and die inside. Please, please let Will not be one of the multitude of men she had seen making the walk of shame from her sister’s room as she was leaving for work in the morning. The trouble with having a flatmate whose aim in life was to horizontally rumba with all of London’s bachelors, and much to Jayne’s disgust and Rachel’s annoyance, some who were bachelors only in mind and behaviour, but not in the eyes of the law, was that it didn’t leave many men who were untouched for Jayne. Not that it had ever bothered her before, but at that moment, it really, really did.

      ‘Will? Jesus, it’s Billy!’

      Oh God.

      Jayne decided that she didn’t want any part in their cosy reunion, so started to fidget in her seat, packing her pathetic little belongings back in her bag before they started doing whatever it was people did after one-night stands.

      He shrugged apologetically, offering up a polite smile to compensate, ‘Um, sorry, I don’t think we’ve met,’

      ‘Billy, Billy, I’m Rachel, Rachel.’

      Jayne suddenly felt really bad for her sister. Having a person who’s seen you naked not remembering, or even worse pretending not to, was really humiliating, and she knew all about that. For it to happen to Rachel was actually quite unheard of; it was normally her sister feigning ignorance in a corner when a dubious pull popped up, never the other way round.

      ‘Jeez, Billy, this is Jayne. Jaayynne,’ Rachel implored.

      ‘Jayne? Jayne? Oh my God!’ Before she had the chance to duck out of the way, or at least prepare herself, Will had lunged at her, enveloping her in a huge hug and burying his face in her neck. She had no idea why a conquest of Rachel’s would be so emotional, but she let him carry on holding her because he smelt of coconut. She chose to put to one side the fact that he’d slept with her sister, because this was the closest she’d come to male contact for nearly two years, and up until four minutes ago, she was going to marry him.

      Rachel suddenly started hugging both of them over the top of his hug, so she was trapped in some strange kind of pyramid embrace. What the hell? Jayne started wriggling free of the pair of them and finally extracted herself from their bizarre outpouring of affection.

      ‘Jayne? What’s wrong? I thought you’d be really pleased to see him after all this time? Why are you being weird?’

      Me? The world has just gone crazy, she wanted to shout, but ever the diplomat, settled instead for, ‘Um, sorry, I just think it’s a bit inappropriate, and I should probably leave you two alone, to … er … reminisce without me.’

      ‘Jayne. Put your glasses on.’

      ‘What?’

      ‘For the love of all that’s holy. Put. Your. Glasses. On.’

      She did.

      ‘Now look at him.’

      Jayne’s heart flipped over and she thought she was going to be sick. It had taken eighteen years, but she’d finally found the first love that had slipped through her inexperienced fingers. Speak she willed herself, say something amazing, something heartfelt and articulate. Show him what he’s been missing for nearly two decades. Opening her mouth to speak, to add to the magic of the moment, Jayne’s first words were suddenly indecently smothered by an officious voice shouting, ‘Jayne Brady, ready for your scrape and polish?’

       Chapter 2

      The next few seconds happened in a blur; Jayne’s heart thumped loudly in her ears. Her thoughts whizzed through