Fanny Hill. John Cleland

I met with, even in my own sex, some that were above denying me that justice, whilst others praised me yet more unsuspectedly, by endeavouring to detract from me in points of person and figure that I obviously excelled in. This is, I own, too strong of self-praise; but should I not be ungrateful to nature, and to a form to which I owe such singular blessings of pleasure and fortune, were I to suppress, through an affectation of modesty, the mention of such valuable gifts?

      Well then, dress’d I was, and little did it then enter into my head that all this gay attire was no more than decking the victim out for sacrifice, whilst I innocently attributed all to mere friendship and kindness in the sweet good Mrs Brown; who, I was forgetting to mention, had, under pretence of keeping my money safe, got from me, without the least hesitation, the driblet (so I now call it) which remained to me after the expenses of my journey.

      After some little time most agreeably spent before the glass, in scarce self-admiration since my new dress had by much the greatest share in it, I was sent for down to the parlour, where the old lady saluted me, and wished me joy of my new clothes, which, she was not asham’d to say, fitted me as if I had worn nothing but the finest all my lifetime; but what could she not see me silly enough to swallow? At the same time, she presented me to another cousin of her own creation, an elderly gentleman, who got up, at my entry into the room, and on my dropping a curtsy to him, saluted me, and seemed a little affronted that I had only presented my cheek to him: a mistake, if one he immediately corrected by gluing his lips to mine, with an ardour which his figure had not at all disposed me to thank him for: his figure, I say, than which nothing could be more shocking or detestable: for ugly, and disagreeable were terms too gentle to convey a just idea of it.

      Imagine to yourself a man rather past threescore, short and ill-made, with a yellow cadaverous hue; great goggling eyes, that stared as if he was strangled; an out-mouth from two more properly tusks than teeth, livid lips, and breath like a jakes: then he had a peculiar ghastliness in his grin that made him perfectly frightful, if not dangerous to women with child; yet, made as he was thus in mock of man, he was so blind to his own staring deformities as to think himself born for pleasing, and that no woman could see him with impunity: in consequence of which idea he had lavish’d great sums on such wretches as could gain upon themselves to pretend love to his person, whilst to those who had not art or patience to dissemble the horror it inspir’d he behaved even brutally. Impotence, more than necessity, made him seek in variety the provocative that was wanting to raise him to the pitch of enjoyment, which too he often saw himself baulked of, by the failure of his powers: and this always threw him into a fit of rage, which he wreak’d, as far as he durst, on the innocent object of his fit of momentary desire.

      This then was the monster to which my conscientious benefactress, who had long been his purveyor in this way, had doom’d me, and sent for me down purposely for his examination. Accordingly she made me stand up before him, turn’d me round, unpinn’d my handkerchief, remark’d to him the rise and fall, the turn and whiteness of a bosom just beginning to fill; then made me walk, and took even a handle from the rusticity of my gait, to inflame the inventory of my charms: in short, she omitted no point of jockeyship; to which he only answer’d by gracious nods of approbation, whilst he look’d goats and monkeys at me: for I sometimes stole a corner glance at him, and encountering his fiery, eager stare, looked another way from pure horror and affright, which he, doubtless in character, attributed to nothing more than maiden modesty, or at least the affectation of it.

      However, I was soon dismiss’d, and reconducted to my room by Phoebe, who stuck close to me, not leaving me alone, and at leisure to make such reflections as might naturally rise to anyone, not an idiot, on such a scene as I had just gone through; but to my shame be it confess’d, such was my invincible stupidity, or rather portentous innocence, that I did not yet open my eyes to Mrs Brown’s designs, and saw nothing in this titular cousin of hers, but a shocking hideous person, which did not at all concern me, unless that my gratitude for my benefactress made me extend my respect to all her cousinhood.

      Phoebe, however, began to sift the state and pulses of my heart towards this monster, asking me how I should approve of such a fine gentleman for a husband? (Fine gentleman, I suppose she called him, from his being daubed with lace.) I answered her very naturally, that I had no thoughts of a husband, but that if I was to choose one, it should be among my own degree, sure! So much had my aversion to that wretch’s hideous figure indisposed me to all ‘fine gentlemen’, and confounded my ideas, as if those of that rank had been necessarily cast in the same mould that he was. But Phoebe was not to be beat off so, but went on with her endeavours to melt and soften me for the purposes of my reception into that hospitable house: and whilst she talked of the sex in general, she had no reason to despair of a compliance, which more than one reason showed her would be easily enough obtained of me; but then she had too much experience not to discover that my particular fix’d aversion to that frightful cousin would be a block not so readily to be removed, as suited the consummation of their bargain, and sale of me.

      Mother Brown had in the meantime agreed the terms with this liquorish old goat, which I afterwards understood were to be fifty guineas peremptory for the liberty of attempting me, and a hundred more at the complete gratification of his desires, in the triumph over my virginity: and as for me, I was to be left entirely at the discretion of his liking and generosity. This unrighteous contract being thus settled, he was so eager to be put in possession, that he insisted on being introduc’d to drink tea with me that afternoon, when we were to be left alone; nor would he hearken to the procuress’s remonstrances, that I was not sufficiently prepared and ripened for such an attack; that I was too green and untam’d, having been scarce twenty-four hours in the house: it is the character of lust to be impatient, and his vanity arming him against any supposition of other than the common resistance of a maid on those occasions, made him reject all proposals of a delay, and my dreadful trial was thus fix’d, unknown to me, for that very evening.

      At dinner, Mrs Brown and Phoebe did nothing but run riot in praises of this wonderful cousin, and how happy that woman would be that he would favour with his address; in short my two gossips exhausted all their rhetoric to persuade me to accept them: that the gentleman was ‘violently smitten’ with me at first sight…that he would make my fortune if I would be a good girl and not stand in my own light…that I should trust his honour…that I should be made for ever, and have a ‘chariot to go abroad in…’, with all such stuff as was fit to turn the head of such a silly ignorant girl as I then was: but luckily here my aversion had taken already such deep root in me, my heart was so strongly defended from him by my senses, that, wanting the art to mask my sentiments, I gave them no hopes of their employer’s succeeding, at least very easily, with me. The glass too march’d pretty quick, with a view, I suppose, to make a friend of the warmth of my constitution, in the minutes of the imminent attack.

      Thus they kept me pretty long at table, and at about six in the evening, after I was retired to my own apartment, and the tea board was set, enters my venerable mistress, follow’d close by that satyr, who came in grinning in a way peculiar to him, and by his odious presence confirm’d me in all the sentiments of detestation which his first appearance had given birth to.

      He sat down fronting me, and all tea time kept ogling me in a manner that gave me the utmost pain and confusion, all the marks of which he still explained to be my bashfulness, and not being used to see company.

      Tea over, the obliging old lady pleaded urgent business (which indeed was true) to go out, and earnestly desir’d me to entertain her cousin kindly till she came back, both for my own sake and hers; and then, with a ‘Pray, sir, be very good, be very tender of the sweet child,’ she went out of the room, leaving me staring, with my mouth open, and unprepar’d, by the suddenness of her departure, to oppose it.

      We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden fit of trembling seiz’d me. I was so afraid, without a precise notion of why and what I had to fear, that I sat on the settee, by the fireside, motionless, and petrified, without life or spirit, not knowing how to look or how to stir.

      But long I was not suffered to remain in this state of stupefaction: the monster squatted down by me on the settee, and without further ceremony or preamble, flung his arms about my neck, and drawing me pretty forcibly towards him, oblig’d me to receive, in spite of my struggles to disengage