Break-Up Club: A smart, funny novel about love and friendship. Lorelei Mathias

bet Alfred didn’t have any useful advice on what to do with the stupid little leftovers you have after a break-up, did he?’ Bella said in between deep breaths. ‘For instance, I have this weird little pack of break-up detritus that I’ve been carrying around all day. It’s basically the contents of my “drawer” at his house. You know, the shit I’d leave at his for when I stayed over.’ She paused for a breath, mid-rant. ‘When I left, I just shoved the lot into my rucksack, and now I don’t know what to do with it all. Do I unpack each and every sad bit of toiletry and make sure I use them one by one? That might make for really sad showers?’

      ‘Can you even say the word toiletries in singular form?’ interjected Olivia, prompting a scowl-ette from Bella.

      ‘Or, do I pack it away and save it until we ever get back together, or until I meet someone else who is ready to give me a drawer again? Is that sick though?’

      ‘Little bit,’ Olivia said.

      ‘Haha,’ snorted Holly, realising something. ‘You’ve got a BOYFRIEND PACK! You beautiful nut-nut!’

      ‘Just throw it all away, surely?’ Olivia said. ‘Buy new stuff. I don’t know why you didn’t just leave it all there!’

      ‘Where is it all? Let me at it!’ Holly said.

      Reluctantly, Bella produced the Boyfriend Pack from within her rucksack. She opened the bag and upturned it so that the contents splayed out all over the floor. Shampoo miniatures, a small travel hairdryer, hairbrush, manicure set and suchlike.

      Holly dived in to claim some of the miniatures. ‘These will come in handy for the gym!’

      ‘When have you ever been to a gym?’ Olivia said, who had started going to Gym Box every morning at 6 a.m. without fail since moving down to London.

      ‘I’m going to start. This will make me start!’

      ‘I guess I could use that hairdryer if you’re not going to use it,’ Olivia said, grabbing it with both hands.

      Before long, the bag was empty, save some weathered nail-files, and the problem was solved.

      Fuuuuuuuuck, was all Holly could think as she stared at the empty bag. What if she ever broke up with Lawrence? After nearly five years, it would be her life in duplicate. Her Boyfriend Pack would be more than some tiny Dick Whittington pouch; it would probably stretch to three suitcases’ worth.

      ‘So,’ Bella said, turning to Olivia in a bid to deflect the embarrassment away from herself if only momentarily. ‘How are you, Liv? How have you been coping?’

      ‘Yeah, fine. Ross has been in touch a few times over the house stuff. He’s finished buying me out, so it feels good not to be tied together by bricks and mortar anymore! I had to see him the other day, just to give him back a few of his things and sign all the papers. I’d thought it would be good to clear the air a little. But it turned out to be like a kind of exit interview, you know, like when you leave a job? He kept telling me all the things I could have done better!’

      ‘I hope you made sure you gave him ample “360 degree feedback” in return,’ Holly said.

      ‘Oh I did! I can’t help still missing him a bit though. You know, there are just so many reminders of him everywhere I go. Ridiculous things! Like, a pop-up online advert turned up in my face the other day, for this anti-virus software he used to go on about. It reminded me of how I used to find it so chivalrous, the way he’d spend hours installing updates on my laptop, and programming my phone for me. Now I’ve got no one to do all those things. So I couldn’t help missing the little dweeb when I saw that – just a bit. And oh! Then the other day this big lorry drove by and stopped by me at a traffic light. As I walked past, the driver started singing the first song we ever kissed to!’

      ‘Weird. What was it?’ Holly asked.

      ‘Oh God. This really old track from the eighties, by Simple Minds, called “Don’t you forget about me”.’

      ‘Oh I love that track!’ Bella said, bursting into song, prompting stares from people nearby.

      ‘But it’s such an old track! That’s why it weirded me out so much that some random lorry driver was singing it, at that exact moment.’

      ‘Do you think it’s a sign’ Bella said, ‘that you shouldn’t forget him just yet?’

      ‘Is it fuck,’ Olivia said, taking a sip of her drink.

      Bella laughed. ‘I so know what you mean with the reminders though, Liv. Every other day, there’s something else to remind me of an in-joke with Sam.’

      ‘But you know, it’s easy to go too far with that stuff. You know, drag it out beyond the point of silly,’ Holly said. ‘For instance, do you remember Lucy, our flatmate from uni, when she broke up with Rob?’ she broke off as Olivia nodded in recognition. ‘He dumped her on graduation day, the poor lamb. While the rest of us posed for photos in our gowns, Lucy was hiding in a ditch behind the university library, weeping into her mortar board, slowly dismantling the visions in her head that she’d had of them going travelling, of moving to London, living out their careers together. From her ditch, she had sat and watched as her dreams scattered into the air with all the mortar-boards. Well, that’s how she put it to us after three gins later that day, anyway.’

      Bella’s eyes began to well with empathy for this poor girl she’d never met. ‘Wow that’s a ceremonious stinker of a dumping!’

      ‘Exactly,’ Olivia said, ‘see, at least Sam didn’t do that to you!’

      Holly nodded. ‘But yeah – my point is, it was so terrible a dumping that even for weeks after it happened, we’d be like, “Do you want a cup of tea Lucy?” and she’d be all, “Oh, Rob used to make me cups of tea…” and start bawling again.’

      They all laughed.

      ‘Poor Lucy, she really did milk it, no pun intended.’

      ‘So yeah, to some extent you have to be a bit disciplined about this stuff,’ Olivia said. ‘You almost need a rule. Something like a “no mentioning their name more than five times a day… or, “no listening to songs that remind you of your ex” rule. Just til a certain time has passed.’

      ‘Sounds a bit regimented, surely?’ Bella said.

      ‘Ha! Liv invented regimented. She’s the most disciplined person I know!’ Holly chuckled.

      Olivia grinned with pride. ‘Everything in life is easier to deal with if it’s compartmentalised and under control!’

      ‘But – but – we can’t be that hard on ourselves straight away,’ Bella said. ‘Surely we’re allowed some wallowing time? For instance, I know I’ll probably fall apart when I see the first dandelion clock of the season.’

      ‘Why?’ Holly said.

      ‘Oh, there’s just this funny thing Sam used to do with them.’ Her eyes began to water.

      ‘What, tell the time?’ Holly said.

      ‘Well. Yes.’

      ‘Everyone does that, B. That’s not so special,’ Olivia said.

      Bella looked as though Olivia had just trampled all over her palatial sandcastle. ‘No they don’t. Not the way he did it. He used to pretend to be the speaking clock voice, and do the whole “time sponsored by Accurist” bit, like it used to say in the nineties. You had to be there.’

      ‘Evidently,’ Olivia said.

      ‘OK, Bella darling,’ Holly began. ‘I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’m going to say it in case it will help. Your Sam was a complete ARSE! I mean, he used to call you MISS PIGGY behind your back.’

      Bella snorted.

      ‘He didn’t!’ Olivia said. ‘So that’s where your Miss Piggy Complex comes from?’

      Holly