Mindsight. Chris Curran

the small room at the top of the stairs I was so nervous I could hardly breathe and I was grateful she went straight into the tiny kitchen. It was divided from the living room by a looped-back curtain, so she carried on talking as she made coffee. I had been dreading some kind of inquisition, but, clearly, Alice had done a good job of selling me. Stella already knew I’d worked in a couple of shops, some years ago, and after a few gentle questions about how I was getting on, since you moved here, she made it clear the job was mine if I wanted it.

      ‘Sit, down, sit down,’ she said, as she plonked two mugs onto the coffee table and settled on a worn leather chair, kicking off her gardening clogs and tucking her toes under her.

      I perched on the squashy sofa opposite.

      ‘So what about a trial period, and if we’re both happy we can make it permanent and full-time in September?’

      I would barely be earning enough to cover what I imagined would be my expenses till then, but I felt pathetically grateful to her for making everything so easy. I kept the mug close to my mouth to avoid doing more than answer her questions, but could swallow only a few sips.

      She looked closely at me. ‘Are you sure you’ll be happy dealing with customers? Most of them are fine of course, but we do need to be tactful when it’s a funeral or even a wedding. Emotions can run high at times like that.’

      I made a supreme effort to smile, to seem normal. ‘Yes, I’m looking forward to it.’

      She nodded, and I sat back, exhausted.

      ‘Of course. Fine, then.’ She swallowed her coffee in a couple of gulps, thrust her feet back into the clogs and stood up. ‘In fact, how about starting tomorrow?’ She must have noticed my squirm of anxiety, because she smiled and added, ‘You can come in for half a day, see how it suits you.’

      Outside, I stood for a moment taking a deep breath. I glanced back through the window to see Stella, with her back to me, talking into the phone. For a moment I wondered if she was calling Alice to report on the interview, but I told myself not to be paranoid.

      It was all I could do to get back to the flat. Although it was only mid-afternoon I stumbled to the bedroom and was asleep in minutes.

       I’m in a cold room surrounded by flowers, trying to arrange them into wreaths, and I can hear crying nearby. My feet are bare on the tiled floor. I’m naked, too, under the rough dress. Of course I’m in the punishment block. And the flowers have disappeared. One of the screws, red hair tumbling over her face, looks in and tells me I’m no good to anyone. The room is full of smoke now, but the warder is holding me back so I can’t get to the crying, and the fire alarm is ringing and ringing…

      The phone had stopped before I got to it, but in my sleep I’d made a decision and one I knew I had to act on before I lost my nerve.

      I chose Alice’s home number instead of her mobile. As I heard the distant ringing, my hand moistened and my mouth went dry. A click signalled someone answering, and I dared not wait any longer. ‘Alice? It’s Clare. Is he there? Can I speak to him, please?’

      A moment’s silence. A breath. Then a voice with a heart-piercing adolescent wobble, ‘Mum? Is that you?’

      I hardly slept that night and by dawn I was sitting in front of the TV in my dressing gown. Inevitably, I dozed off and woke certain I was already late for work. I tore into the kitchen to check the clock, relieved to see I just had time to wash and dress. It didn’t matter that it was too late for breakfast, because I couldn’t have eaten anything. But my throat was bone dry, so I stuck my mouth under the tap and glugged down a few swallows of lukewarm water before setting off at a run.

      Stella had told me to come round to the back door, and I found her unloading the van, too busy, thank God, to notice I was breathless. ‘Oh, good, you’re just in time,’ she said, thrusting some trays of flowers at me.

      Harriet was already in the shop and they both talked almost non-stop as we got ready to open. They rarely seemed to expect an answer from me, so I focused on following the torrent of instructions. At nine o’clock Stella opened the shop door. ‘Harriet, sweetie, would you show Clare how we make up a simple bouquet.’ She smiled at me. ‘It’s not difficult, but best if you have a bit of a practice before you do it for real.’

      When the bell jangled half an hour later Harriet smiled at me. ‘Over to you then – your first customers.’

      The two women were poking at a large container of roses and, as I walked over, I forced a smile, very conscious of Harriet behind the counter. ‘Can I help you?’

      Without looking up, one of them began pulling roses from the vase and handing them to me. ‘Yes, can you do these up with some greenery, love?’ I knew my hands were shaking as I wrapped the bunch for her, but I managed to deal with the till without too much trouble.

      ‘Just started have you, dear?’ she said.

      Harriet answered for me. ‘This is Clare. She’s taking over when I go to uni.’ Obviously this was a regular, and they chatted for a few moments. I should have been relieved, but all the time I was aware of the woman’s friend watching me.

      ‘Local are you?’ she asked.

      I fiddled with the Sellotape dispenser, avoiding her eye. ‘I’ve just moved here.’ I could tell she wanted more, but her friend was already at the door. They stood outside for a moment, glancing back at us as they talked.

      When Harriet went into the back room to sort some orders, I leaned on the counter, my legs almost too weak to support my weight. I asked myself why I’d agreed to a job like this, where I would be constantly on show. Stella was Alice’s friend, of course, and they’d made it easy for me, but I wasn’t at all sure I was going to cope.

      I managed to deal with the next three or four customers and at last Stella shouted down that coffee was ready. Harriet ran up and brought down a mug. ‘Go and have a sit down with yours, Clare. You deserve it.’

      Stella was standing, draining her mug. ‘Take your time,’ she said. ‘No rush.’ I suspected she was going to get a progress report, but was just grateful to be able to lean back and close my eyes for a few moments; to give in to the thoughts I’d been fighting since yesterday.

      A part of me was terrified about what I had to face that night, but another part was joyful. I had spoken to my son, and – the memory was a sliver of sunlight dancing with motes of something wonderful, something amazing, something I’d thought impossible – Tommy wanted to see me.

      ‘Did Alice tell you I was out?’ I’d said when I was able to speak, cursing myself for the crass remark.

      ‘She said it was soon, but I worked that out anyway.’ There was silence, as his unspoken question hung in the air. Why didn’t you come and see me right away?

      There was no point in making excuses, no point, either, in raking up the past. The conversation, if you could call it that, faltered to a halt and I asked to speak to Alice, to arrange for her to drive me over. ‘That’s OK, I can tell her,’ he said, the edge to his voice suggesting he suspected I might try to get out of the arrangement.

      Neither of us mentioned his dad, or his granddad. Or Toby – his twin – his other half.

      Tommy had always been the more forceful, the more independent, of the twins even though he was the younger by half an hour. He hadn’t been involved in the crash because he’d been invited to his best friend’s birthday party the weekend of the wedding and he’d stayed over. Toby had been happy to come on his own: to have all our attention to himself for once.

      After I was sentenced, Alice took Tommy on and brought him up: yet another thing I had to be grateful to her for. It was agony to lose him too, but at least I knew he was with someone who loved him almost as much as I did.

      Down in the shop again, Stella said she needed Harriet to help in the back room. ‘You’ll be OK out here on your own, won’t you, Clare?’

      I