Gangsta Granny. David Walliams

said, even though she was already wearing two. Granny trundled out of the room, quacking as she went.

      Ben flicked the rest of his egg out of the window, and then tried to find something else to eat. He knew that Granny had a secret stash of chocolate biscuits that she kept on a top shelf in the kitchen. Granny would give Ben one on his birthday. Ben would also help himself to one from time to time, when his granny’s cabbage-based delicacies left him as hungry as a wolf.

      So he quickly slid his chair over to the cupboard and stood on it to reach the biscuits. He lifted the biscuit tin. It was a big Silver Jubilee assortment tin from 1977 that featured a scratched and faded portrait of a much younger Queen Elizabeth II on the lid. It felt really heavy. Much heavier than usual.

      Strange.

      Ben shook the tin a little. It didn’t feel or sound like it had biscuits inside. It was like it had stones or marbles in it.

      Even stranger.

      Ben unscrewed the lid.

       He stared.

      And then he stared some more.

      He couldn’t believe what was inside. Diamonds! Rings, bracelets, necklaces, earrings, all with great big sparkling diamonds. Diamonds, diamonds and more diamonds!

      Ben was no expert, but he thought there must be thousands of pounds worth of jewellery in the biscuit tin, maybe even millions.

      Suddenly, he heard Granny quacking her way into the room. Fumbling desperately, he put the lid back on and placed the tin on the shelf. He leaped down, yanked his chair over and sat at the table.

      Glancing at the window, he realised that his flicked egg hadn’t flown out into the garden, but was smeared across the glass. Granny would need a blowtorch to get that off if it dried. So he rushed over to the window and sucked the cold wet egg off the glass, then returned to his seat. It was too unpleasant to swallow so, in a panic, Ben kept it in his mouth.

      Granny shuffled back into the kitchen wearing her third cardigan.

      Still quacking.

      “Better get your coat on, young man. Your mummy and daddy will be here in just a tick,” she said with a smile.

      Ben reluctantly swallowed the cold wet egg. It slipped down his throat. Yuck, yuck and double yuck. “Yes,” he said, fearing he would vomit and deposit the egg back on the window.

      Scrambled.

       7 Bags of Manure

      “Can I stay at Granny’s again tonight?” announced Ben from the backseat of his mum and dad’s little brown car. The diamonds in the biscuit tin were so puzzling; he was desperate to do some detective work. Maybe even search every nook and cranny of the old lady’s bungalow. This was all awfully mysterious. Raj had said his granny might have a secret or two. And it seemed like the newsagent was right! And whatever Granny’s secret was, it must be pretty amazing to explain all those diamonds. What if she used to be a zillionaire? Or worked in a diamond mine? Or been left them by a Princess? Ben couldn’t wait to find out.

      “What?” asked Dad, astonished.

      “But you said she was boring,” said Mum, equally astonished, irritated even. “You said all old people are.”

      “I was just joking,” said Ben.

      Dad studied his son in the rear-view mirror. He found understanding his plumbing-obsessed son hard enough at the best of times. Right now Ben wasn’t making any sense at all. “Mmm, well… if you are sure, Ben…”

      “I am sure, Dad.”

      “I’ll call her when we get home. Just to check she’s not going out.”

      “Going out!” scoffed Mum. “The old dear hasn’t gone out for twenty years!” she added with a chuckle.

      Ben wasn’t sure why this was funny.

      “I took her out to the garden centre that time,” protested Dad.

      “It was only because you needed someone to help you carry a load of bags of manure,” said Mum.

      “She had a super day out, though,” said Dad, sounding miffed.

      Later, Ben sat alone on his bed. His mind was racing.

       Where on earth had Granny got the diamonds?

       How much were they worth?

       Why would she live in that sad little bungalow if she was so rich?

      Ben searched and searched his mind, but couldn’t find any answers.

      Then Dad entered the room.

      “Granny’s busy. She says she’d love to see you, but she’s going out tonight,” he announced.

      “What?!” spluttered Ben. Granny hardly ever went out – Ben had seen her calendar. The mystery was getting even more mysterious…

       A Small Wig in a Jar

      Ben hid in the bushes outside Granny’s bungalow. Whilst Mum and Dad were downstairs in the living room watching Strictly Stars Dancing on the TV, Ben had scaled down the drainpipe outside his bedroom window, and cycled the five miles to Granny’s.

      This alone was a sign of how curious Ben had become about his granny. He didn’t like cycling. His parents were always encouraging him to get more exercise. They told him that being fit was absolutely necessary if you wanted to be a professional dancer. But since it didn’t make much difference when you were lying under a sink, screwing in a new length of copper piping, Ben had never willingly taken any exercise.

      Until now.

      If Granny was really going out for the first time in twenty years, Ben had to know where. It might just hold the key to how she came to have a ton of diamonds in her biscuit tin.

      So he huffed and puffed along the canal towpath on his clunky old bike, until he came to Grey Close. The only good thing was that, being November, instead of being drenched in sweat, Ben was only mildly moist.

      He had pedalled fast because he knew he didn’t have that much time. Strictly Stars Dancing seemed to go on for hours, days even, but it had taken Ben half an hour to cycle over to Granny’s, and as soon as the show was over Mum would be calling him downstairs for his tea. Ben’s parents loved all the dancing TV shows – Dancing on Ice Skates, So You Think You Might Be Able To Dance A Bit? – but they were completely obsessed with Strictly Stars Dancing. They had recorded every single episode, and had an unrivalled collection of Strictly memorabilia in the house, including:

      • A lime green thong once worn by Flavio Flavioli, framed with a photograph of him wearing it

      • A Strictly Stars Dancing real fake leather bookmark

      • Some athlete’s foot powder signed by Flavio’s professional dance partner, the Austrian beauty, Eva Bunz

      • His and Hers official Strictly Stars Dancing leg warmers

      • A CD of songs nearly used on the show

      • A small wig in a jar that had been worn by the presenter, Sir Dirk Doddery

      • A lifesize cardboard cut-out of Flavio Flavioli that had some of Mum’s lipstick smudged around the mouth

      • Some earwax in a jar that belonged to a celebrity contestant, the politician, Dame Rachel Prejudice MP

      • A pair