The End Specialist. Drew Magary

to help keep some crack addict in Detroit on welfare for the next thousand years? Why should we care about people in California? Or Florida? Or New York? Why should we share anything with them? They’re not our people. They’re not our family. They’re as foreign to me as Arabs. They all want to live forever and don’t have the faintest clue how they’re gonna eat a hundred years from now. Well, they’re going to find out soon that their country ain’t gonna help them. They’re gonna find out every man is his own country now.” [The New Yorker]

      • Annual sales of cigarettes have reached an all-time low. My friend Walsh now accounts for the majority of all Parliaments sold in the US. [NYist]

      • The producers of the Saved By The Bell reboot have petitioned the governor of California to allow them to administer the cure to the show’s teenage stars, so that they don’t have to graduate in the show. The governor denied the request. [Variety]

      Date Modified: 11/17/2029, 4:44PM

      “I’ve Made A Terrible Mistake”

      That’s my dad talking. He was grumpy all Thanksgiving Day long, even during the football game.

      “I never should have gotten this cure,” he said.

      “Why not?”

      “You know I got laughed at the other day? I was walking to the supermarket and there was a group of kids outside the store. They couldn’t have been more than twelve. And they just sat there and laughed at me, calling me ‘old man’ and all that garbage.”

      “So what?” I said. “They’re just kids.”

      “Yeah, and they didn’t let me forget it. They were more than happy to let me know that I don’t belong in this world anymore. I feel like I’m stuck outside a ballroom window, watching a great party everyone but me got invited to.”

      “I thought you were happy. I thought all your buddies got it.”

      “They did. Ted Maxwell got it and then had his face done. They pulled his cheeks damn near behind his ears. He looks like a moron. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten this done. I knew it!” The tightly upholstered armrest of his dining chair had become worn and frayed. He angrily picked at the loose threads.