How Did I Get Here?: Navigating the unexpected turns in love and life. Barbara Angelis De

me?” I replied. Perhaps I hadn’t heard him correctly. He did have an odd accent. Maybe he’d said “Philosopher,” and I thought I’d heard “rhinoceros.” I could relate to that answer. Now my mind was racing. “Rhine” something. Could he have said “rhinoplasty”? Wasn’t that the term for a nose job? I’d always liked my nose. Did he think I needed plastic surgery?

      “Rhinoceros!” he exclaimed again, interrupting my reverie, this time with a huge smile. I shook my head, trying to indicate that I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, and got up to leave when he practically shouted, “The horn! The horn of the rhinoceros! That is what you are, my dear.”

      I sat back down. “Please explain what you mean,” I asked.

       “You are the horn of the rhinoceros, the part that boldly sticks out and precedes the body. The horn goes first, you see. The horn is strong, courageous, relentless. It explores the unknown and the dangerous; it pierces the barriers; it removes all obstacles in the path of the rhinoceros so he can travel safely and with greater speed. The horn confronts the problems on the path, and lets the body of the rhinoceros know about them. It helps him change direction, protects him from harm. The horn is the teacher, the body the follower. The horn gets scarred so the body can be saved from calamity. The horn discovers the truth on the path so the body can move forward in freedom.”

      I listened with fascination to everything he was telling me. According to him, this was my purpose in life, to be the horn of the rhinoceros. I thought I understood part of what he was describing. Even in those early years of working with people, I had a sense that my own experiences were going to be the core of the knowledge I had to offer others. I remember thinking that what he said resonated with something I felt inside, but I wasn’t sure exactly what that something was. Still, I was glad I had come to see him. As I thanked him and walked toward the door. He waved his finger at me with great emphasis, calling, “Don’t forget—you are the horn!”

      I didn’t forget, but I didn’t completely understand, either. Little did I know that my career as “the horn” was just beginning.

      Over the next ten years, my destiny as a teacher unfolded in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Along with writing, lecturing and creating television shows, I founded a large personal growth center in Los Angeles to which people from all over North America came to participate in transformational seminars. One evening just as a weekend seminar was coming to a close, I was approached by a man in the class.

      “I want to give you something,” he began. “It’s to thank you for everything you did for me and all of us this weekend, but even more, to thank you for everything you’ve gone through in your own life. If you hadn’t been brave enough to love so deeply, and to try again no matter how much you’ve been disappointed, you would never have learned all these lessons you’ve taught us. If you hadn’t taken so many risks, and weren’t willing to be so honest, I wouldn’t be standing here right now feeling so inspired. I saw this in a gift shop and for some reason it reminded me of you—maybe because you had the guts to go through so much first so you could teach us about it.”

      He held out his hand, and in it was a small silver-gray object made out of pewter. It was a rhinoceros.

      Shaking my head in amazement, I took the rhinoceros from him. All at once, the words of that unusual man flashed through my mind like lightning, words I hadn’t thought of for years:

       “The horn goes first.”

      Standing there in the seminar hall, looking back on the many years that had passed since my visit, I suddenly understood that the curious man I’d met had been a remarkable visionary after all. He had indeed seen my future and known my purpose. Everything he’d said about the rhinoceros horn accurately described the reality of my life. Time after time, I had undergone painful, often dramatic personal lessons and then, through my work, shared the wisdom I’d uncovered so that others wouldn’t have to experience the same disappointments; I had lived boldly and courageously, and had many scars on my heart to show for it. I taught not in spite of the experiences in my own life, but from the experiences in my own life. Rather than disqualifying myself as a teacher because of the less-than-perfect scenarios in my personal history, I was deeply grateful for them, using the wisdom and clarity I gained to design emotional maps I could pass on to others, guiding them through the complex and challenging labyrinths of life’s difficult times.

      The pewter rhinoceros has been with me now for more than fifteen years. It sits on my computer stand, the strong little horn proudly turned upright. It has kept me company in my many solitary hours spent writing, contemplating, creating. It is looking at me right now, reminding me of who I am.

      Some facts I’ve learned about the horn of a rhinoceros:

       It is reported to have powerful medicinal, even magical properties, and because of this has been an object of great value for thousands of years.

       It was used to detect the presence of poison, and thus to protect the one who owned it from harm.

       And if by chance it breaks off, it grows back as good as new.

      Why have I shared this story with you? Because whether you realize it or not, you, too, have a “rhinoceros horn.” It is the part of you that has started over even after you have failed. It’s the part of you that has loved even after you’ve been hurt. It’s the part of you that plunges ahead into change even though you may be terrified. It’s the part of you that feels your way forward in the darkness even though you may not be sure exactly where you are going. It’s the part of you that is your courage—courage to question, courage to be willing to hear the answers, courage to look within, courage to pick up this book and hope that what you read will teach you more about yourself.

      I honor that courage in you. In the pages that follow, I offer you everything I’ve learned about harnessing your own natural courage and using it to navigate through whatever you are facing on your journey. Changing, transitioning and transforming in life aren’t things that just happen to you. They are skills you can actually learn and master. Instead of feeling like a victim of circumstances, and wishing or praying that the challenges you’re facing will soon be over, you can actively participate in the process you’re going through and use it for tremendous growth, insight and awakening.

      This knowledge is what has sustained and liberated me, and it is the heart of the message that permeates this book:

       It is not how you deal with what is expected and hoped for in your life that ultimately defines and elevates you as a human being. Rather, it is how you interact with the unexpected, how you brave the unanticipated, how you navigate through the unforeseen and emerge, transformed and reborn, on the other side.

      At first it is disconcerting, even disturbing, to find yourself in circumstances you did not expect, let alone desire. However, once you get over the shock of being in an unexpected place in your life, you have a precious opportunity to explore all the new pathways that place has led you to. Unexpected destinations hold the promise of unexpected experiences, unexpected wisdom, unexpected awakenings, and ultimately, unexpected blessings. Finally, this is what this book is about—moving forward and seeing the future with new, hopeful eyes.

      This is what will reveal your true strength, your true greatness. This is what will make you wise. This is what will give you the experience of true passion, true joy, and ultimately, true freedom.

      

      Offered with love,

      

      Barbara De Angelis

      Santa Barbara, California

       PART ONE