The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five. Martha Sears

That’s a realistic fact of new family life. Developing your skills as a baby-comforter will be your first priority as a new parent. If you include feeding and changing baby’s nappy on the list of comforting interactions with your new baby, keeping your baby comfortable will occupy almost every waking minute you spend together.

      

      Comforting a fussy baby can be as easy as taking an afternoon walk around the room or as hard as climbing a mountain at 2am. While many people intuitively do the right things to calm a fussy baby (probably because these things were done for them), others are thrown into a panic and don’t have a clue (probably because they were not comforted as infants).

      It helps to understand what calms a baby and why. Most calming techniques involve at least one of these four things:

      • rhythmic motion

      • soothing sounds

      • visual delights and distractions

      • close physical contact and touching

      Most calming techniques (except visual ones) are like re-creating the womb baby has been used to for nine months. This chapter contains baby-calming techniques that worked with our own fussy babies or that we have learned from experienced baby-calmers in our paediatric practice. Remember, your baby has individual needs. Try these techniques as a starting point, and improvise. After a few months, you and your baby will have a large repertoire of fuss-busters that work.

motions that mellow

      1. Wearing Baby in a Sling

      A baby carrier will be your most useful fuss-preventing tool. Infant-development researchers who study baby-care practices are unanimous in reporting infants who are carried more cry less. In fact, research has shown that babies who are carried at least three hours a day cry 40 per cent less than infants who aren’t carried as much. Over the years in paediatric practice, I have listened to and watched veteran baby-calmers and heard a recurrent theme: “As long as I have my baby in my arms or on my body, she’s content.” This observation led us to popularize the term “babywearing”. “Wearing” means more than just picking up baby and putting him in a carrier when he fusses. It means carrying baby many hours a day before baby needs to fuss. This means the carrier you choose must be easy to use and versatile. We have found the sling-type carrier to be the most conducive to baby-wearing. Baby becomes like part of your apparel and you can easily wear your baby in a sling many hours a day. Mothers who do this tell us, “My baby seems to forget to fuss.” The sling is not only helpful for high-need babies, it’s essential. Here’s why babywearing works.

      

      Babywearing.

      The outside womb. Being nestled in the arms, against the chest, and near the parent’s face gives baby the most soothing of all environments. Mother’s walking motion “reminds” baby of the rhythm he enjoyed while in the womb. The sling encircles and contains the infant who would otherwise become agitated and waste energy flinging arms and legs around. The worn baby is only a breath away from the parent’s voice, the familiar sound he has grown to associate with feeling good. Babies settle better in this “live” environment than they do when parked in swings or plastic infant seats.

      Sights aplenty. Being up in arms gives baby a visual advantage. He now has a wider view of his world. Up near adult eye level, there are more visual attractions to distract baby from fussing.

      sucking to soothe

       Since babies start sucking while in the womb, they are born relating sucking to soothing. That is one reason why they are so eager to suck right after birth, whether they find a breast or their hands. They need soothing after their wild ride down the birth canal. Mothers intuitively offer sucking to a fussy baby, and it usually works like a charm.

      The distressed infant can now pick from a wide array of ever-changing scenery, select what delights him, and shut out what disturbs him. And seen from such a secure perch, even the disturbing sights soon become interesting rather than frightening. You don’t have to focus on bringing artificial sights to baby’s face. Just your going about your business and varying your movements and environment as you do is enough stimulation for most babies.

      

      Instant replay. The expanding mind of a growing infant is like a video library containing thousands of tapes. These tapes record behaviour patterns that baby has learned to anticipate as either soothing or disturbing. Babywearing mothers tell us, “As soon as I put on the sling, my baby’s face lights up with delight, and he stops fussing.” The scene of mother putting on the sling triggers a replay in baby’s mind of all the pleasant moments she’s experienced in mother’s arms, and she can anticipate the pleasant interaction that is soon to follow. She stops fussing. She’s no longer bored.

      Makes life easier for parents. Not only is babywearing good for the infant, it’s good for the mother as well. The carrier gives you a comforting tool that usually works. After baby gets used to being worn and you get used to wearing baby, you have more options and more mobility. You’ll feel as though you’ve gained an extra pair of hands, especially around the house, and you can go more places. Baby is content, since “home” to a tiny baby is being with mum, even though mum may be in the middle of a busy shopping centre or at a party full of adults.

      A baby who fusses less is more fun to be with and drains less energy from the parents. Infants and parents can then direct the energy they would have wasted on managing fussing into growing and interacting. That’s why carried babies thrive – as do their parents.

      

      Familiarity breeds content. Living in a carrier keeps infants content because it keeps them in constant contact with the familiar sounds, touches, movements, and visual delights of their parents. Being nestled in a familiar position is especially calming for the baby who is easily distracted and falls apart at the first sight of a strange person or a strange place. The worn baby is always surrounded by things he knows. From this secure base, the baby has less fear of the unfamiliar – and adjusts without a fuss.

      Proximity fosters calmness. A baby who is worn is in mother’s arms and literally right under her face. With this close proximity, mother can teach baby to cry “better”. As soon as baby gives a hint that he is about to fuss, mother, because she is right there, can pre-empt the cry or keep it from escalating into an all-out fit. Being close to your baby helps you learn to read your baby’s pre-cry signals so that you can intervene to meet baby’s needs before he has to fuss. Baby in turn learns to be more at ease using non-crying modes of signalling since, during baby-wearing, he has learned that these signals receive an immediate nurturing response.

      Sling time for stress time. Once each of our sling babies (Matthew, Stephen, and Lauren) was past the “fussy toddler hanging on to mum’s leg” stage, we would pack up our slings, thankful that he or she had matured out of needing to be carried around for long stretches of time. However, we kept one sling handy for those times, even at two and a half or three years, when a certain type of misbehaviour would signal us that instead of “time out” what was needed was “time in”. Time in the sling could transform a stressed child into one who would be back to playing pleasantly in ten minutes. Legs were a bit longer, but the little one would snuggle gratefully into the once-familiar position on Martha’s hip. Somehow finding that this place was still available seemed to be all the child needed to get back on an even keel. And Martha was grateful that she could comfort a distressed child with relatively little effort.

      Babywearing and daycare. Carrie had a high-need baby who was content as long as she was in a sling, but Carrie had to return to work when Mary was six weeks of age. I wrote the following “prescription” to give to