It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life. Greg Behrendt

give yourself up for them are the ones that later will stalk you.

      Many dating books, experts, websites, crystal balls suggest that you appear busy, ignore phone calls, pretend you have plans and generally play a game called “I don’t have time for you, please fall in love with me.” And while this may appear like sound or at least strategically sound advice, it is ultimately encouraging you to start off your relationship by being dishonest and has the faint smell of something … what is it? Oh, right, manipulation. That’s how all of the great love stories start, right? Wrong. So why does it seem like the game of “I don’t have time for you, please fall in love with me” would work? Well, it has a certain logic to it, being that you are hard to get and thusly more desirable, and because everybody wants what they can’t have it makes sense that if you’re unavailable then they’ll want you more. But pretending you have a life is just pure game-playing and misery. Well, then, what is your magnificent suggestion, guys? Ready? Wait for it … GET A LIFE SO YOU WON’T HAVE TO PRETEND YOU HAVE ONE. Actually be busy. Have unbreakable plans with your friends because they are as important as your love life. Be on time for work because it matters to you. Don’t bail on your responsibilities, family, dreams, values or well-being for the next Jett, Kingston or Maddox that comes along.

      People like a little mystery. People like to get to know you over a period of time and they like to think about you and wonder what you might be doing. Wonder why you might have to leave early, why you like your job, why your friends are so important or why you’re so close to your family and think, “Wow, she’s got other priorities than me and a very cool life.” Having a life that’s important to you and not dumping your friends, job, plans, interests and current schedule for someone new will serve BOTH of you well.

      You must have a life! A full one that does not stop every time a potential boyfriend or girlfriend comes into the fray. And if you don’t have one you need to ask yourself why that is, and what the f*#k you’re waiting for? Seriously. There are people that live lives that people admire and there are people that watch people live those lives. Why are you being a watcher instead of a doer? It’s actually quite simple to get a life. For instance, let’s say it’s Thursday, and you don’t have plans for Friday but you think the person you have your sights on might call to ask you out. The old you would have just waited to see if they called, then be disappointed if they didn’t and have missed the boat on whatever opportunities you might have had besides a date. But the new you, being the doer that you are, will not sit by the phone but instead will make any variety of plans that will enrich your life or create an interesting experience to retell over coffee, like meting up with old friends, trying a new restaurant, going to see a great new band at that club you’ve never been to or attending an art opening. By getting out in the world and doing things instead of waiting for someone to take you into their world you become a person who is living a fuller life. Are you not more interesting when you have experiences to share? Are you not more appealing if you have events to talk about? Are you not more fascinating if you have a valuable life instead of a disposable one?

      People are attracted to winners and movement. We love and are inspired by people who move gracefully through this world with a sense of purpose. People who don’t ask permission to live their lives but actually just do it regardless of what others think. When you have a full life, not only will you attract the things you want but you’ll also still get to have the things you have.

      BUT GREG, I HAVE QUESTIONS

      But What If His Schedule is Hard To Work Around?

      Dear Greg,

      I’ve been going out with a guy for a couple of weeks who works a lot. He can’t plan ahead that often for dates so I’ve been really cool about keeping my schedule open in case he can see me. My friends are getting all pissed off at me because I either won’t commit to plans with them or bail to see the new guy. What’s the trick to this sticky situation?

       Clara

       Notting Hill, England

       Dear Calendar Girl,

      Let me put it this way. I fly with a particular airline because I like them and they are dependable. However they don’t wait for me to call to decide when they are going to fly. They have a schedule to keep so I fly only when it’s right for both of us not just them. Sometimes I have to change my plans so I can catch a certain flight because I don’t want to fly with anyone else. I also know that if I decide not to fly they are going to fly anyway and that doesn’t mean they don’t like me. It means they’ve got a job to do and that’s why I fly them in the first place. Plus they are just a really sexy airline. Do you see where I’m going with this? You are the airline. You should keep your flights—that means plans with your friends and your own schedule—and he can come fly with you when he can but you aren’t holding up the plane or your life for him. Because flying with you is better than flying any other airline and the right guy will figure that out.

      But What If I’m Happy To Give Up My Life?

      Dear Greg,

      When I like someone, I like them a lot. I can’t help the way I feel and I’m not going to deny myself all those great feelings when you like someone new and are completely inseparable. I’m happy to give up my life because what I get in return is worth the price. I’m guilty of smothering guys but I’ve been smothered too and it’s not the worst way to figure out that you’re not in the right thing. That’s how I roll and it just makes sense to me that when I find the right guy we’ll be all over each other and know we’re in the right place when neither of us gets tired or smothered. That sounds like paradise to me. Every relationship is a gamble and I’m a girl with a stack of chips and a taste for gambling. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

       Brooke

       Los Angeles, CA

       Dear Smoking Aces,

      Right on. Can’t wait until your book comes out. Sounds like you and the guys you attract have a lot going for you.

      P.S. The next time you smother someone do it with a pillow, that way they’ll never go away.

      What If Not Canceling My Plans Doesn’t Work?

      Dear Greg,

      I went on this fabulous first date with a sports writer. This was on a Monday. I felt we really connected. We both like South Western cooking, the outdoors and especially camping. He actually said something like, “We should go camping sometime.” Which I thought was both promising and sweet. So I said, “… let me check my schedule.” We laughed about it. Two nights later her took me to a baseball game and the night after that we went dancing. Both times he brought up the camping thing, even saying maybe we could go that weekend. I told him I had a cousin who was having her baby shower but maybe the weekend after that. He said that he was going to be on the road and that this was the only chance he’d have for awhile. I told him I wasn’t going to break my plans but would block out some time when he got back. He agreed but I never heard from him again. Did I blow it? I really liked him.

       Emily

       Pittsburg, PA

       Dear Camp Emily,

      You