The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By. Ellen Fein

computer. He might help you move your stuff from one apartment to another or listen to your work or roommate problems without expecting anything in return. In fact, he never expects you to help him with anything, unless it’s an excuse to stay connected to you.

      If he likes you as more than a friend, he’ll tease you, flirt with you, and make you laugh. He thinks your short-comings are cute.

      He means more than he says. He tries to be cool around you, but he’s really quite nervous.

      When a male friend is not interested in you romantically, he behaves quite differently. He’s calm, rational, matter-of-fact. You can take everything he does and says at face value.

      He asks you for advice about dating another woman because he really wants your advice! He’s simply interested in a woman’s perspective. He’s not secretly in love with you or bringing it up to get closer to you. He talks freely about liking other women. He might even say in front of you, “She’s really cute.” He doesn’t think he could be hurting your feelings because you’re his friend. You’re like his sister—there’s no sexual undercurrent.

      When a male friend likes you as a friend, he’s not that interested in your love life. He’s satisfied with your friendship. If you’re not dating anyone, he might offer to fix you up with someone, but he doesn’t want to go out with you himself. He doesn’t want to start anything, he feels no spark.

      If you’re having a problem with the guy you’re dating, he will try to help you “work it out,” as opposed to helping you get out of the relationship! He’s not angry if he sees you with other men because he’s not interested in you romantically. He wants to see you happy. If he’s a little jealous when you have a boyfriend, it’s in the same way a close girlfriend might be. Your relationship reminds him of what he doesn’t have and takes time away from your friendship with him. It’s a friendship loss, not a romantic loss. This, however, doesn’t mean he wants you. You’d know if he did—if you thought about it honestly or read this chapter.

      When a male friend is just a friend, he helps you as much as you help him. He’ll show you how to read a financial statement, you’ll teach him how to cook. Everything’s dutch treat. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship.

      A male friend might even be your best friend—someone who would be there in a pinch if you ever needed him. He would lend you money to pay your rent, visit you in the hospital if you had an accident, or come to the funeral if a family member died. But he doesn’t look down the street when you walk away, try to stare at you when you’re not looking, or secretly dream about having sex with you. And such feelings on a man’s part are essential in the beginning of a romantic relationship!

      If he likes you only as a friend, there is nothing you can do about becoming his girlfriend. Don’t try to convince him by having a heart-to-heart talk about your feelings because it will probably put a strain on your friendship. He will feel awkward or sorry for you, but he still won’t feel a spark. He may try a “let’s sleep together” once or twice. But it won’t mean much to him and you, if not both of you, will come to regret it.

      Worse yet, the two of you may decide to date or even get married at your initiation. But because he never felt a spark, your marriage will be more of a friendship and if you want more than that you will constantly be unhappy. You will be doubting your looks and your sexuality and complain, “He never notices me.” Your self-confidence really plummets when you sleep with or get involved with a man who only really wanted a friendship. It’s a bad road to travel. Don’t even try it.

      Just do The Rules—not to get him to like you since you can’t—but for your self-esteem. Do The Rules so that your whole life isn’t about this unavailable friend. Don’t call him. When he calls, get off the phone in ten minutes. Don’t play therapist when he talks about his girlfriend problems. More important, try to meet other men. You’re better off forcing yourself to go to social events to meet your possible husband than forcing yourself on this friend.

      But if you think he may be interested in you, you can casually mention that you’re having boyfriend problems, not seeing your boyfriend anymore or that you’re not dating anyone in particular. See how he reacts. If he’s interested, he’ll ask you out, and then start doing The Rules.

      Don’t talk to him like a friend—like Elaine on Seinfeld—but be light, feminine, and mysterious. Don’t tell him all your problems. Don’t start pursuing him with calls, notes, and dinner invitations. Don’t think you can say or do anything you want—call him whenever you feel like it or suddenly try to increase the time you spend together—because you were platonic friends. Concentrate on making your relationship a Rules relationship. Keep in mind, the dynamics will be a little different now. For example, if he’s from out-of-town and used to crashing on your couch when he visits you, now you should be the first to say, “It’s been great, but I have a really big day tomorrow,” and end the evenings first.

      Now that you want him, you may be tempted to go to the other extreme—call him all the time, talk about your change of heart, refer to him as your soul mate, talk about marriage or the future—and drive him away. Men don’t like to be overwhelmed, even by women they like.

      Many women who wake up one day and decide that their male friend is their soul mate have been known to come on too strong and overwhelm their friend. Remember, part of the reason he liked you is that you didn’t really notice him, and never pursued him! You’ve been a challenge—not because you were trying to do The Rules—but because you were truly not interested. You were naturally indifferent.

      Therefore, when you start to date, you must not let the fact that he always liked you stop you from doing certain rules. For example, don’t see him at the last minute or all the time. Don’t start knitting him sweaters or talk about marriage or moving in. Okay, you’ve decided he’s The One. But until he’s decided you’re The One and courts you and proposes, you have to do The Rules—or you might ruin a good thing!

Chapter 3

       Second Chances—Rules for Getting Back an Ex

      If you are someone who read The Rules and thought, “If only I had done The Rules on my old boyfriend” or “So that’s why he wouldn’t commit!” then this chapter is for you.

      You may not have seen him in months or even years, but now you’re convinced he could have been The One. You didn’t know any better and you blew it … and now you could kick yourself! If only you had known The Rules back then!

      You want him back. At the very least, you want to give the relationship a second chance. You want to do The Rules this time and see what happens. You’re wondering if there’s any hope. You want to know what to do next, if anything.

      Before you make a move, take a deep breath, calm down, and forgive yourself. Realize that what you’re going through is very common—regretting the past, wishing you had behaved differently with a certain man, thinking he’s the one that got away and you’ll never meet anyone better. We’ve received hundreds of letters from women that begin with: “I wish I had had this book ten years ago when I was dating (fill in the blank).” These women either just didn’t know they should behave a certain way with men, or they instinctively knew they should but didn’t have the strength to do it without specific guidelines and support.

      Of course all you care about now that you’ve read The Rules is, can you get him back?

      It depends.

      If you initiated the relationship—spoke to him first, asked him out—and he eventually ended it, then it’s not only over, it was never meant to be. Don’t call him or write him or try to contact him in any way to say you’ve changed and want a second chance. He didn’t really want you in