Engagement. Lee G. Bolman

worrying about the future, especially when things get tough: our inner dialogues reflect the special sticking power of negative thoughts. To be at your problem-solving best, quelling the feverish firing of neurons in some parts of the brain may be as important as deliberately activating others.7

      Difficult people also trigger impulsive responses. They remind you of some past wrong, threat, or failure. Survival instincts kick in and cloud the deep and clear thinking you need. The result: you leap before you look, typically blaming your albatross and defaulting to either fight or flight. You can find better options when you take time to understand the situation at hand. A quiet mind gets you there.

      People are difficult because they push your buttons and generate a toxic stew of emotions like anger, fear, shame, regret, sadness, guilt, powerlessness, or anxiety. Acting to express or repress the feelings has a strong pull, and is also a route to bad results. It is much better to stop, acknowledge and accept the power of the impulses, and take time to see what you're up against. You'll want to look and learn about four things: (1) individuals (who is involved and what's happening for each person who may be contributing to this problem?); (2) the group (how are dynamics and interactions among members of a group creating or fueling the problem?); (3) the system (what's going on around you in the larger organizational environment to help create and sustain this problem?); and (4) yourself (what's your response, and how do you understand it?).

      This four-part diagnosis is vital. You may otherwise try to solve either the wrong problem or the right problem at the wrong level. You might focus on surface disagreement, for example, when the real issues are well hidden beneath. You may point the finger of blame at an individual only to recognize too late that the problem lies in the situation rather than the person. You may see dysfunctional group dynamics as the culprit and fail to appreciate the impact of a bully boss who has everyone scurrying to meet her “my way or the highway” demands.

      Multilevel diagnosis may sound daunting. It's easier if you take it one level at a time. Start by looking at the key individuals. What do you need to understand about each of them, including their history, performance, skills, needs, styles, and interests? When you believe you have the picture there, move on to thinking about the group. Ask yourself: What interpersonal and group dynamics are sustaining the current situation? How well does everyone see and understand these dynamics? Then move to the systems level: What larger situational issues, organizational history, and environmental pressures need to be understood and addressed so as to make progress?

      Looking outward and around you is essential in this process. So is looking in the mirror. A relationship is a dance in which both partners contribute. As children, we learned to assign blame for every broken toy, stained carpet, or crying sibling; and it's easy in the heat of solving difficult people problems to fall back on what we know. It's also a simple way to explain anything that goes wrong, and it tells us clearly what to do next – correct, punish, or exile the guilty. But if you are a part of the problem, tossing all the blame on someone else won't accomplish much. Diagnosis requires an honest assessment of yourself. What buttons does this person push in you? Are your responses making things better or worse? Is this individual bringing out some of the worst in you? How come? What can you do about that? Understanding where you stand prepares you to tackle the next rule of engagement: unhook!

2. Unhook

      Difficult people hook you. That's what makes them difficult. They trigger a flood of toxic emotions that makes it more likely that you'll be at your worst rather than your best. It is hard to muster clarity of thought and hope when a relationship taxes your energy and feels like an endless bog. But feeling stuck in a painful situation doesn't mean you have to stay stuck.

      You can get hooked by different people at different times for different reasons – and may not even recognize what's happening to you. Difficult people may raise unresolved early life issues or dredge up a past situation that triggers automatic feelings and scripts from long ago. They may behave in ways that run counter to your core values or require responses that strain your current skill set. They may push emotional buttons you didn't know you had. Whatever the reason, if you stay hooked, you'll keep digging yourself deeper into an emotional hole. That's what makes strategies for unhooking vital. You need to know how to harness the rational part of your brain to calm your automatic physiological and emotional reactions. Regaining your sense of self-control supports the confidence and grit that help you see more clearly, strategize effectively, and make good choices.

      At its simplest, unhooking is a four-step process. First, you need to recognize that you're getting hooked. Second, you need to understand the situational pattern and your triggers: what has the other person done (and in what circumstances) that has hooked you? Third, you need to identify the story you tell yourself about those kinds of situations and what that story leads you to do and feel. Fourth, you need to calm your body, mind, and heart; replace irrational and exaggerated assessments with more realistic thoughts; and change how you are reacting to the emotionally upsetting circumstances. Practices like deep breathing, exercise, relaxation techniques, practicing the virtues of gratitude and acceptance, and joyful attention training help.8 They bolster mental strength9 and enable better control over your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Once you've mastered that, you're ready to move on to the next step: revise the script.

3. Revise the Script

      Clear, deep, and calm thinking supports your ability to write a new story that offers a different approach to your difficult person. With a new script, you can develop and rehearse alternative responses that help you try new behaviors, set boundaries, communicate more directly, and stay on task. You may be able to identify management tools (like job descriptions, contracts, or company policies) that can depersonalize challenges in the situation.10 In the same way that professional musicians practice for hours so that muscle memory carries them through moments of forgetfulness or stage fright – and builds their confidence so that they won't be shaken if either happens – rehearsing and preparing alternative responses to difficult people increase your chances of staying grounded. Neuroscience confirms that repetition reorganizes the brain – a key for transforming new learning into expertise. In a later chapter, we'll say more about how this process works.

      If you can change your script and approach, your difficult person may change as well. If you find a road closed on your way to work, you will look for another route. You may get annoyed and harbor dark thoughts about the highway department, but you'll find a new road. In the same way, if you change your actions, your difficult people may find that their old route doesn't seem to work as well anymore. They will usually try to adjust. They will learn. If not, you have learned something important about them. They may lack the ability or motivation to change. Or they may have psychological or other issues that can't be solved short of professional intervention.

      The SURE model begins with finding ways to increase your agency, understanding, and capabilities. It does not set out to fix someone else. Trying to force others to change is a recipe for frustration, fights, and failure. But if you are clear and grounded, do your diagnostic diligence, and ask something different of them in return, they may adapt. You may help difficult others see better options so that their approaches to work and life bring them – and you – more success and satisfaction. The goal is win-win. They break out of unproductive ruts while you expand your leadership skills, personal resilience, and impact.

      When we say people are difficult, we tend to think of them as annoying and unpleasant to be around – the kind of people Robert Sutton describes in The No Asshole Rule.11 You can recognize one of those folks, Sutton says, using two clues: (1) you feel worse after spending time with the person, and (2) the individual sucks up to bosses while abusing subordinates. It's natural to want to avoid people like that, and Sutton's basic advice is, “Don't hire them in the first place.” But if they're already next door or down the hall, or, even worse, you're working for one, you need to know what to do. This book teaches you that.

4. Engage Your Difficult Person – Evolve or Exit

      Difficult people always present a tough choice. One option is to invest and

7

Randy L. Bucknew, “The Serendipitous Discovery of the Brain's Default Network,” Neuroimage 62 (2012): 11–37.

8

Amit Sood, The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living (Philadelphia: Da Capo Press, 2013), 2–12. Sood distinguishes ruminations (repetitive, undirected thoughts about the past that trigger stress and negative emotions) from worries (similar, unhelpful, and automatic thoughts about the future). Both predispose the brain to depression, and depression makes it harder to stop further ruminations and worries or to engage in productive and adaptive thinking.

9

Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success (New York: HarperCollins, 2014).

10

Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster, Working with You Is Killing Me (New York: Warner Business Books, 2006). A summary version of the authors' model is available at http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Books/story?id=1796805&page=1.

11

Robert Sutton, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't (New York: Business Plus/Hachette Book Group, 2010).