The Cynic's Word Book. Bierce Ambrose

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      The Cynic's Word Book

      PREFACE

      With reference to certain actual and possible questions of priority and originality, it may be explained that this Word Book was begun in the San Francisco "Wasp" in the year 1881, and has been continued, in a desultory way, in several journals and periodicals. As it was no part of the author's purpose to define all the words in the language, or even to make a complete alphabetical series, the stopping-place of the book was determined by considerations of bulk. In the event of this volume proving acceptable to that part of the reading public to which in humility it is addressed – enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, good English to slang, and wit to humor – there may possibly be another if the author be spared for the compiling.

      A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasing, feature of the book is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenious cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S. J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly indebted.

A. B

      Washington, D. C.,

      May, 1906

      A

      ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employé when addressing an employer.

      ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

      ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.

           Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdication

           Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.

           For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:

           She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.

           To History she 'll be no royal riddle —

           Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.

      ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and inefficient way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous.

      ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

      ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward a straiter resemblance to the Average Man than he hath to himself. Who so attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hades.

      ABORIGINES, Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

      ABRACADABRA.

           By Abracadabra we signify

           An infinite number of things.

           'T is the answer to What? and How? and Why?

           And Whence? and Whither? – a word whereby

           The Truth (with the comfort it brings)

           Is open to all who grope in night,

           Crying for Wisdom's holy light.

           Whether the word is a verb or a noun

           Is knowledge beyond my reach.

           I only know that't is handed down

           From sage to sage,

           From age to age —

           An immortal part of speech!

           Of an ancient man the tale is told

           That he lived to be ten centuries old,

           In a cave on a mountain side.

           (True, he finally died.)

           The fame of his wisdom filled the land,

           For his head was bald and you 'll understand

           His beard was long and white

           And his eyes uncommonly bright.

           Philosophers gathered from far and near

           To sit at his feet and hear and hear,

           Though he never was heard

           To utter a word

           But "Abracadabra, abracadab,

           Abracada, abracad.

           Abraca, abrac, ahra, ab!"

           'T was all he had,

           'T was all they wanted to hear, for each

           Made copious notes of the mystical speech

           Which they published next —

           A trickle of text

           In a meadow of commentary.

           Mighty big books were these,

           In number, as leaves of trees;

           In learning, remarkable – very!

           He 's dead,

           As I said,

           And the books of the sages have perished,

           But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.

           In "Abracadabra" it solemnly rings,

           Like an ancient bell that forever swings.

           Oh, I love to hear

           That word make clear

           Humanity's General Sense of Things.

           Jamrach Holobom.

      ABRIDGE, v. t. To shorten.

      "When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation." – Oliver Cromwell.

      ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannonshot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."

      ABSCOND, v. i. To "move" in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

           Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;

           The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

           Phela Orm.

      ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilified; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.

           To men a man is but a mind. Who cares

           What face he carries or what form he wears?

           But woman's body is the woman. Oh,

           Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go.

           But heed the warning words the sage hath said:

           A woman absent is a woman dead.

           Jogo Tyree.

      ABSENTEE,