The Pennycomequicks (Volume 3 of 3). Baring-Gould Sabine

to say – 'this is distinguished above every lake in Switzerland, and perhaps in Europe, by the beauty and sublime grandeur of its scenery.'

      Then past her drifted a party of English tourists, also with 'Murray' in their hands and on their lips. 'Oh, mamma!' exclaimed a young lady, 'this lake is of very irregular shape, assuming near its west extremity the form of a cross. Do you see? There is one arm, we are approaching another, and there is the leg.'

      'My dear,' said her mother, 'don't say leg; it is improper; say stem.'

      'And, mamma, how true "Murray" is! – is it not wonderful? He says that at this part the shores of the lake are undulating hills clothed with verdure, and dotted with houses and villas. He really must have seen the place to describe it so accurately.'

      'Good gracious!' exclaimed Mrs. Sidebottom; and then, after a pause, 'Gracious goodness!'

      Lambert Pennycomequick took no notice of his mother's exclamations, till a third 'gracious goodness,' escaping her like the discharge of a minute-gun at sea, called his attention to her, and he asked, 'Well, what is it?' As he received no answer, he said, 'I don't believe in that honey served up at breakfast. It is not honey at all, but syrup in which stewed pears have soaked.'

      'Upon my word!' gasped Mrs. Sidebottom.

      'What is the matter, mother? Oh yes, lovely scenery. By George, so it is. I believe it is all a hoax about chamois. I have been told that they knock goats on the head, and so the flesh is black, or rather dark-coloured, and it is served as chamois, and charged accordingly.'

      'This is extraordinary!' exclaimed Mrs. Sidebottom.

      'Yes – first rate,' said Lambert. 'Our Yorkshire wolds don't quite come up to the Alps, do they?'

      But Mrs. Sidebottom was not lost in wonder at the beauty of the landscape, she was watching intently a gentleman in a light suit, of a military cast, wearing a white hat and a puggaree, with moustache and carefully curled whiskers, who was marching the deck alongside of another gentleman, stout, ordinary-looking, and comfortable in appearance, like a plump bullfinch.

      'Look at my watch!' said the gentleman in the light suit, and as there were vacant places beside Mrs. Sidebottom, the two gentlemen left pacing the deck and seated themselves on the bench near her.

      'Look at my watch! – Turned black, positively black, as if I had kept it against a vulcanized india-rubber stomach-belt. If you want evidence – there it is. I haven't cleaned it. No, I keep it as a memorial to me to be thankful to the beneficent Heaven which carried me through – which carried me through.'

      Mrs. Sidebottom saw a silver watch-case extended to be exhibited, the dingy colour that silver acquires when exposed to gas.

      'I wish, sir – I beg your pardon, my lord – you will excuse me, but by accident – by the merest accident – I caught sight of your address and name on your luggage – I wish, my lord, I were going with you to Andermatt, and I would take you a promenade round the backs of the hotels, and let you smell – smell, my lord – as rich a bouquet of accumulated deleterious odours as could be gathered into one – odours, my lord, diphtheritical, typhoidiacal. You see my face – I have become mottled through blood-poisoning. I was gangrened at Andermatt by the deadly vapours there. I thank a merciful Heaven, with my strong constitution and by the warning afforded by my watch, I escaped death. I always carry about with me a silver timepiece, not one of gold, for sanitary reasons – the silver warns me of the presence in the atmosphere of sulphuretted hydrogen – of sewage gas – it blackens, as the arm of Lady Thingabob – I forget her name, perhaps she was of your lordship's family – as the arm, the wrist of her ladyship, was blackened by the grip of a spectre. I see you are bound for the Hôtel du Grand Prince. I went there, and there I inhaled the vapours of death, or rather of disease. I moved to the Hôtel Impérial, and was saved. There, and there only, the drainage is after English models, and there, and there only are you safe from the fumes of typhoid, the seeds of typhus, the corpuscles of diphtheria, and the – the – the what-d'ye-call-ems of cholera. You will excuse my speaking to you, perhaps, forcing myself – unworthy – on your distinguished self.'

      'Oh, certainly, certainly.'

      'But when I saw your name, my lord, and considered what you are, and what the country would lose were you to run the risk unforewarned, that I ran, I ventured to thrust myself upon you.'

      'I am really most obliged to you.'

      'Well – who is it said "We are all one flesh, and so feel sympathy one with another"? Having suffered, my lord, suffered so recently, and seeing you, my lord, you, you – about – but there – not another word, Homo sum, nil humamim– but I forget the rest, it is long since I was at school, and I have not kept up my classics.'

      'I really am most indebted to you – and you think that the Hôtel Impérial – '

      'I am sure of it. I had my blood tested, I had my breath analyzed. There were diatoms in one, and bacilli in the other, and – I am alive, alive to say it; thanks to the salubrious air and the careful nursing of the Hôtel Impérial.'

      The nobleman looked nearly as mottled in countenance as the other; this was caused by the alarm produced by the revelations of his interlocutor.

      'Don't you think,' he said, 'that I had better avoid Andermatt?'

      'On no account, my lord. You are safe at the Imperial. I cannot say that you will be safe elsewhere. I have been to Berne to the University Professors to have the atmosphere of the several hotels analyzed for my own private satisfaction. It was costly – but what of that? – it satisfied me. These are the results: Hôtel du Cerf – three decimal two of sulphuretted hydrogen, two decimal eight of malarious matter, one, no decimal, of typhoidal germ. Hôtel de la Couronne d'Or – three decimal one of sulphuretted hydrogen, five decimal three of compound fermenting putrifio-bacteritic stuff. Hôtel du Grand Prince – eight decimal one of diphtheritic effluvium, occasional traces of scarlet-fever germs, and a trace – a trace of trichinus spiralis.'

      'Good heavens!' – his lordship turned livid – 'allow me, sir, to shake your hand; you have conferred on me a lasting favour. I shall not forget it. I was bound for the Hôtel du Grand Prince. What about the Impérial?'

      'Nothing – all salubrious, mountain air charged with ozone, and not a particle of deleterious matter in it.'

      'I shall certainly go there – most certainly. I had telegraphed to the Grand Prince; but, never mind, I had rather pay a forfeit and put up at the Imperial.'

      'Would you mind, my lord, giving my card to the proprietor? It will ensure you receiving every attention. I was there when ill, and am pleased to recommend the attentive manager. My name is Yeo – Colonel Yeo – Colonel Beaple Yeo, East India Company Service, late of the Bombay Heavy Dragoons. Heavies we were called – Heavies, my lord.'

      'Will you excuse me?' said the stout little nobleman; 'I must run and speak to my lady. 'Pon my word, this is most serious. I must tell her all you have been so good as to communicate to me. What were the statistics relative to the Grand Prince?'

      'Eight decimal one – call it eight of diphtheritic effluvium, traces of scarlet-fever germs, and of trichinus spiralis. You know, my lord, how frightful, how deadly, are the ravages of that pest.'

      'Bless me!' exclaimed his lordship, 'these foreigners – really they should not attempt to draw English – Englishmen and their families to their health resorts without making proper provisions in a sanitary way. Of course, for themselves, it doesn't matter; they are foreigners, and are impervious to these influences; or, if not, and carried off by them – well, they are foreigners! But to English – it is outrageous! I'll talk to my lady.'

      'Lambert,' said Mrs. Sidebottom in a low tone to her son, 'for goodness' sake don't forget; we must go to the Hôtel Impérial.'

      But low as she had spoken, her neighbour in the light suit heard her, turned round and saw her. Not the least abashed, he raised his hat, and with a flush of pleasure exclaimed, 'Ah! how do you do, my dear madam – my dear, dear madam? This is a treat – a treat indeed; the unexpected is always doubly grateful.' He looked round to see that his lordship was out of hearing, and then said in a lower tone, 'You misconstrued