Английские анекдоты / English Jokes. Отсутствует

hit bottom.

      “Hmm. Let’s try a bigger rock,” said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn’t hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie,[54] which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down.

      While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.

      “Yeah, just now,” said one of the first two guys. “It just ran up and jumped down this hole.”

      “Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy. “My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”

* * *

      Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

      One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

      The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”

      The third lady smiles, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,[55]” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

* * *

      Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

      “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.

      The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

      The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.”

      The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

* * *

      While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

      “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”

      “Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”

      They agreed this is a good idea.

      The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can.”

      The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I often pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

      The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

* * *

      A mother brings her five year old son to the doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

      “So Doctor, what do you think is the matter with my little boy?” she asks.

      The doctor replies, “He’s just not eating properly.”

* * *

      When anyone asked the elderly spinster why she had not married, she answered:

      “I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?”

* * *

      “Doctor, Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film!”

      “Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.[56]”

* * *

      “Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!”

      “When did this happen?”

      “When did what happen?”

* * *

      The difference between dogs and cats. A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”

* * *

      A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. “Jesus is watching you!” “Who’s there?” The robber said. But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. “What’s your name?” the robber asked. “Cocodora?” said the parrot. “Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora”, said the robber. “The same idiot who named the rotweiler[57] Jesus,” said the parrot.

* * *

      “Why you are going to marry that police captain?”

      “It is against the law, you know, to resist an officer.”

* * *

      “I hear you are marrying again! But your wife passed away[58] only three weeks ago!”

      “I know, but I am not one who holds a grudge long.[59]”

* * *

      A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be waited on.

      A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.

      The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, “Anything else?” The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?” The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

      The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog’s neck.

      The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.[60]

      As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.”

      “He’s not really all that smart,” the owner replied. “This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”

* * *

      A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, “Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. We have only canned and dry goods.”

      The next day, the duck returns. “Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”

      On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?” “No.” “Got any fresh fruit?”

* * *

      A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.[61] All of a sudden, he

54

railroad tie – железнодорожная шпала

55

knock on wood – как бы не сглазить

56

nothing develops – игра слов: ничего не произойдёт; ничего не проявится (на плёнке)

57

rotweiler – ротвейлер (порода собаки)

58

passed away – скончалась

59

holds a grudge long – злится

60

to be let in – чтобы его впустили

61

seeing eye dog – собака-поводырь