The road of healing. Miss Ann

(people who hurt me, my past, my insecurities).

      You never know where you will be hit next,

      Because they wear masks, they show themselves as your friends and mentors

      Giving you advice to follow the “right” and “safe” way

      Even if it keeps your pain repeating itself over and over again.

      My constant resistance makes me tired but aware,

      Like they will hurt me no more.

      But the only thing I want is detachment.

      I don’t wanna fight, I accept my pain,

      I’ve learnt from it, that’s all in the past.

      I am already strong enough to protect myself,

      So my indifference and calmness scare them away

      Because it’s not under their control anymore

      22.06.2022

      When illusions fade away, you look inside yourself,

      You study yourself and you enjoy that you’re complete.

      You understand that everything which you were held to is

      Just a product of your imagination,

      Your illness but not love.

      Because true love inspires and supports,

      It doesn’t hurt and betray.

      Your healing process may be slow but worthy.

      The happiness which you reach on your way is precious

      Now as you know what you want to fight for.

      For the first time in your life

      You stop waiting and start living.

      14.07.2022

      Sometimes I think that I feel too much,

      It’s almost unbearable.

      Love, happiness, passion, sorrow, anger, anxiety –

      It covers me like a wave:

      My body hurts, my head is about to explode

      And I’m always afraid I’m gonna lose myself and get crazy.

      Sadness makes my heart heavy,

      It’s even hard to breathe.

      At these moments I imagine it would be endless

      Like I’m drowning in this darkness.

      But the storm slows down, my ocean becomes calm,

      I wake up and I can see things clearly.

      I always come back to my harbor stronger than before.

      The process is not fast,

      From time to time, I even think that God forgot about me

      But it just takes patience.

      ‘Do not force anything, let things just be’ –

      A lesson I must learn on a way of defeating my irrationality.

      19.08.2022

      Once I thought I ran out of tears.

      They were coming out over and over again,

      It felt infinite and then stopped: why am I doing this to myself?

      Why do I constantly torture myself going down to the hell

      Which I created? Will it ever end?

      Sometimes we become addicted to our pain.

      And when it goes away, we choose to put ourselves on the same road.

      Even if it hurts deeply, subconsciously we like it but never admit.

      We got used to living like this and when the slightest thing changes,

      When we see the light, we don’t believe and we’re afraid.

      We’re frightened of being happy and loving.

      But what about my hell? Does it disappear? Never.

      I feel these demons every day and almost every second.

      They whisper, sometimes they scream.

      They tell me that I’m not the person I’m trying to be,

      They tell me I’m a hypocrite who hides their true self.

      Will they ever leave? No.

      So, what am I supposed to do?

      Live and embrace my demons but not follow them

      Because the choice is always mine.

      I control, I choose the other side.

      My genes don’t have a right to rule my life, I won’t let them.

      My freedom is in love and forgiveness,

      Being honest with myself is the main priority.

      24.08.2022

      Some time ago, when I thought about my past,

      It went through me like it’s happening right now,

      It hurt and I lived in it.

      But what’s the point?

      Spending your life on something that was far away,

      Repeating particular moments in your head,

      Missing the ones who decided to leave you.

      My time is precious, my happiness is in my hands,

      I don’t wanna waste it anymore.

      Now it feels like I’m in the water

      And it brings me slowly to the place I need.

      It flows and I’m calm because I trust it.

      For the first time in my life, I don’t want to control anything.

      Just be as it is because if something is yours,

      It will be yours and find a way to you no matter what.

      29.08.2022

      You have to be as much a dreamer as me

      To understand the world I see.

      31.08.2022

      It’s never too late to love again,

      To feel the way, you always wanted to feel.

      It’s never too late to open your heart,

      To show your true self, to believe and trust.

      It’s never too late to change your life.

      3.09.2022

      For a long time, I have thought

      That I fought against one particular person.

      He was the monster in my head, he was my greatest fear.

      I pictured him as a narcissist who played with me

      And hurt me because he was cruel and had no soul.

      Only later I saw the reality:

      Not against him I was but against myself.

      Our talks which I imagined where I said what I really felt,

      How painful it was and unfair what he did to me

      Were the talks with my infantilism.

      Because we got angry only with something which we deny in ourselves

      We close our eyes and pretend we don’t care

      Though we want to scream.

      As soon as I accepted myself, the anger has gone.

      I forgave myself, my heart is light,

      I let myself be weak and vulnerable

      And I’ve never felt as free and

      Close to something incomprehensible as I am now.

      5.09.2022

      I believe in love.

      Love