The First Time Mums’ Club. Lucie Wheeler

makes the most amazing cakes. I remember when she first came in the shop and offered her services. She brought in a tray of samples the next day and, oh my God, I was in love.’

      Pippa beamed at the memory. She had only just started out her baking business from home and was so nervous about drumming up enough business to stay afloat and make it work. But she had actually done all right over the years, considering she’d built it from nothing. Well, that’s what she thought. After six months of trading, Jason had persuaded her to give up her job at the bakery she worked in and go it alone completely, so she could throw herself fully into it. It worked and she expanded a little in that time, but it was never enough for him and he was always making comments about how he was holding things together all the time. But she kept plodding along with a smile on her face because of people like Zoe, who told her she was doing amazing things. When things were falling apart behind the scenes, Pippa was able to still project this image of perfection, with her business going from strength to strength. Albeit in baby steps.

      But now that there was a baby on the way, she was worried that she wouldn’t be able to keep this image up. She couldn’t handle people talking about her behind her back. And she was prepared to do anything to make sure that didn’t happen.

      *****

      Imogen watched out of the window as the world passed by. They were on their way to Alice’s parents’ house and she was so incredibly nervous, the nausea she was already suffering from had increased tenfold. She didn’t understand why she was nervous. She knew deep down that Alice’s parents would be nothing but elated over this news. This was her mother’s doing. Every time she was about to do anything big like this, her mother’s words of disappointment hung over her like a wet blanket, pushing down onto her lungs, making her feel claustrophobic. Nothing she could do would please her mum, because the only thing she saw in Imogen was the fact that she was gay. Nothing else seemed to matter. And as much as Imogen embraced the fact that she was in love with a woman, there was still that small part of her that her mum was able to attack with just a few words, which made her confidence come crashing down. All she ever wanted was her mum’s approval. Clearly that was too much to ask for.

      ‘Are you okay? You look a bit peaky?’ Alice glanced over to her as she drove and then rested her hand on top of Imogen’s.

      ‘I’m fine. Just feeling a big sick, that’s all.’ She placed her other hand in the pocket of her hoodie, resting it on her stomach.

      ‘It’s going to be okay; you know that, don’t you?’

      She didn’t know that. There were so many things that could go wrong both with this pregnancy and everything else that it entailed. And her mum. Just thinking about her mum brought on so much anxiety. ‘I really admire you, Alice.’

      Alice laughed in response. ‘Really? Why?’

      ‘You’re just so positive about everything. You see the good that can come out of every situation; nothing ever fazes you.’ She wished she could be more like Alice.

      ‘Oh, come on, Ims, you know that’s not true.’ Alice kept glancing over to her as she drove.

      ‘It is! You never worry about things; you just get on with it and make things happen. You don’t worry about what other people think and you just breeze through life, enjoying it.’ Anxiety settled in the pit of her stomach and she recognised the feeling instantly. Having suffered with anxiety attacks in the past due to stress, she knew the warning signs. She concentrated on her breathing and looked out of the window so that Alice couldn’t see panic in her eyes. She kind of wished she hadn’t worn the hoodie now as she felt a bead of sweat trickle down her chest. She rolled her sleeves up, exhaling.

      ‘Listen. You are an incredibly strong woman. You have so much to be happy about; you don’t even need to entertain anyone else who wants to be negative in your life. You have me, and we have this baby – that is all you will ever need.’

      She nodded but didn’t answer. She could feel her heart rate increasing, pounding, reverberating through every inch of her skin. The high-pitched noise ringing in her ears as she desperately tried to slow her breathing. Don’t do this, not now, she told herself. She concentrated on the spot of dirt that she could see on the window. She needed to channel all her energy into this spot, focus, bring everything down a level and breathe. In through her nose; out through her mouth. She needed to do this as discreetly as she could; she couldn’t let Alice see that this anxiety was making a comeback. And because of her mum, yet again. All she ever wanted was to have that close mother-daughter relationship that others had with their mums. And now she was pregnant, it just highlighted the fact that she didn’t have this with her mum. She would never have that mother-daughter best-friend relationship – and that hurt more than anything.

      But she couldn’t go through what she did before when the anxiety got too much. It took over her life and caused so many problems both in her relationship and at work. She was determined not to let that happen again. She just needed to focus.

      Thankfully Alice had taken her silence as thoughtfulness and was giving her a few minutes. Imogen leant over and turned the volume dial on the music up a little, letting the song wash over her. She didn’t recognise the song but the heavy guitar solo was too much for her brain, it made her feel erratic and stressed. She flicked the button and selected the next station. A gentle, but upbeat song was playing and she instantly felt a little lighter. She left it playing and leant her head on the headrest of her chair, closing her eyes and steadying her breathing. She could do this. She just needed to take things one step at a time. Get through the here and now and she could sort the mum issue out when she felt stronger.

      She felt Alice’s hand again on hers and she wrapped her fingers around hers, taking comfort in knowing she’d always have her Alice.

      *****

      ‘I can’t believe how busy this place gets.’ Ellie turned the dishwasher on for another cycle and began to stack away the plates she had just unloaded. ‘I mean, seriously, when do you get a chance to have a cuppa yourself?’

      Zoe laughed. ‘Don’t be silly. I am here to make other people tea and coffee, not drink it myself.’ She was busy plating up a panini and slid the plate along to the serving hatch, already pulling out some bread for the next order.

      ‘Is it always this manic?’

      ‘On a Saturday at lunchtime, yeah.’

      ‘That’s crazy.’ Ellie closed the cupboard and wiped the tops with antibacterial spray. ‘I mean, it’s great and all, but it’s crazy!’

      ‘What can I say? People love my sandwiches.’ Zoe was a total natural at working, constantly moving her hands and running here and there, but looking as cool and calm as a cucumber as she did so.

      ‘You were always good in the kitchen, to be fair. Me, I couldn’t boil an egg without ruining it. Remember that time I was making cheese on toast for us all because Mum said it was about time I started doing the lunch and I totally forgot about it and started watching that model programme?’

      ‘Oh God, you nearly burnt down the house!’

      Ellie laughed fondly. ‘I know! But she never asked me to do lunch again – winning!’ she sang.

      ‘Well,’ Zoe said as she slid a plate of salad and some prawns towards her sister. ‘You’d better learn some basics fast, sis, because you’re not staying here rent-free without lifting a finger. Prawn and avocado salad on there, please.’

      Ellie looked at the ingredients in front to her. ‘Prawn and avocado salad,’ she repeated, almost to herself, nodding. ‘Fair enough, no cooking required – I can do that.’

      ‘Of course you can. Stop always putting yourself down.’ Zoe threw a tea towel at her.

      ‘Well, when you’ve grown up with Little Miss Perfect over there it’s hard to stand out.’

      ‘Oh believe me, Els, you stand out all right.’ Zoe chopped some lettuce and said, almost under her breath, ‘And Miss Perfect, I ain’t!’