A play for 3 people. Comedy. An appointment with a kayfologist. Nikolay Lakutin

Antoine, hello, I'm Emily, I'm booked in for this time.

      Antoine. Yes, of course, bring it in.

      Emily (looking around). Ah?

      Antoine. In the sense of myself. I mean, come on in, welcome.

      Emily. Oh, yeah… Good. Thanks

      Emily chooses a place to sit (there are several places to choose from). He sits down. She puts her purse on her lap, doesn't know where to start, she's confused.

      Antoine. I remember you, you and your friend came as a support group!

      Emily. Exactly.

      Antoine. How's your friend doing? Was the blues asleep?

      Emily. Sleeping. Now he infuriates everyone with his invariably pleased mug. She goes from one extreme to the other. You've gone too far with the highs!

      Antoine. Envy is a nasty feeling, Emily. I'll tell you so! It's only in Russia that a smiling person can cause an unkind reaction. You're smiling, so you're a bastard, anyway, you're cooking some kind of dirty trick, or you've already implemented it, or you just go and think some kind of disgusting thing about the one who's looking at you at this moment. In this regard, you do not need to be afraid of condemnation, it is better to fear for your psyche and your inner color. After all, it is not customary for us to smile in our lives. Everyone should be gloomy, serious, preferably angry and aggressive towards each other. That's when everything's fine, that's when you're good, you don't stand out. It sounds a bit rude, but tell me what am I wrong?

      Emily. Hmm… maybe not so radically, but in general… maybe. But then again, a friend is smiling now, and the psyche of others is suffering. Isn't that right?

      Antoine. People will condemn it anyway. Sad is bad, cheerful is even worse. If you do not earn, you are a parasite, you have earned, it means that you have heated someone in some way, because an honest and decent person cannot earn anything significant in principle. Isn't that how we were taught to think? And I must say, this teaching was not in vain. By no means am I saying that everything is bad everywhere in our country, but somewhere in other countries it is good. I travel a lot, there are nuances everywhere, but I will say for sure that there is no use in walking all my adult life with a sour face. Not only is it unsympathetic, but it also adversely affects psychological health, and subsequently physical health. Most people prefer to spend money on some kind of anti-stress drugs, instead of spending money on a smile. Smile more often, laugh more often (for good reason, of course), watch more, read more or even participate in comedies, be mostly where the positive is! That's the whole recipe for health in all its manifestations.

      Emily. Why are you wearing red?

      Antoine looks at Emily in surprise, then at his red shirt, then back at Emily.

      Emily is embarrassed by this look, realizes that she asked a stupid question.

      Emily (clarifies her question). Well, it's simple… Red is considered an aggressive color.

      Antoine. Do you think that I should and should have appeared before you in a white or blue robe?

      Emily. Not necessarily in a bathrobe, but not in red… He is… People react differently. If someone reacts to you like a bull to a red rag, he will rush – you will be to blame!

      Antoine. And this is an idea… It will be necessary to order a red medical gown for yourself, you will immediately be able to weed out visitors from the doorstep. The one who will be impudent – aside, who is in the right place – come here! Or, wait, in what sense, will he rush?

      Emily (embarrassed). I'm sorry…

      Antoine. In fact, you are partly right. Psychologists quite seriously believe that the love of red is a bell for psychological deviations. And the people generally have a saying "A fool is glad to see red."

      Emily. Here!

      Antoine. But I like the color red and I don't care what psychologists think about it or how people talk about it. I agree to be considered a fool among smart people, let them talk what they want. Cognac?

      Emily. I won't say no!

      Antoine. That's reasonable!

      Pours some cognac into a glass, treats Emily.

      Emily. Thanks (Helping himself). And how would I learn to spit on someone else's opinion?

      Antoine (thoughtfully). Let's say that not every opinion should be ignored. Listening to what others are saying is not harmful. Moreover, sometimes really sensible thoughts sound, which at least make sense to analyze and try on yourself. I do not teach that the opinion of everyone should be ignored. No. Everyone and everyone should be treated with respect, and with genuine respect. Communicate with dignity, be condescending to stupid attacks on your own or someone else's address. Everyone judges, thinks and acts to the best of their intelligence, and, hand on heart, we note that not everyone has it at an exorbitant level. I am not a doctor of sciences myself, and I can also blurt something out somewhere from a small mind, which will just demonstrate my narrow-mindedness in this or that issue. And if someone more intelligent and more knowledgeable treats me condescendingly at this moment, and if also with respect, then it will be pleasant to me, as well as to anyone. Talk, listen, observe, but draw your own conclusions! That's what it's about.

      Emily. Okay, I agree. (He finishes his drink, sets the glass aside). Delicious cognac, thank you.

      Antoine. Health for. (He sits down opposite). How are you, Emily?

      Emily, yes…

      Antoine. It's clear. Is there a problem?

      Emily. There is a little bit. How did you guess?

      Antoine. Although I am not a psychologist in its purest form, but no one is in a hurry to share their joy with me either. They mostly carry problems – clean up, Uncle Antoine.

      Emily. Judging by her friend's experience, Uncle Antoine is very successful at raking.

      Antoine. But why not? So what's the gag?

      Emily. The thing is… that I am…

      Emily is a little lost from the word that does not fit into the framework of the situation, but Antoine looks at her quite calmly, amicably and openly, waiting for an answer.

      Emily. Ahem. Yes. the thing is… that I'm… married.

      Antoine. Oh! Congratulations! (Looks at Emily's reaction). Or do I sympathize?

      Emily. Here! Yes, I'm sorry – it's more appropriate.

      Antoine. Why is that? Why is marriage a burden?

      Emily. Because I'm not married to someone I'd like to be.

      Antoine. That's the number! Were you dragged down the aisle by force?

      Emily. Well… Not that…, but also not that and… It all started spinning so fast there… I see she's already married. I looked closely – not for that!

      Antoine. Understood, well, then let's remember your once happy free life!

      Antoine pours cognac, treats Emily again.

      Antoine. Without clinking glasses!

      They drink.

      Emily. Ah, I would like to have a snack…

      Antoine. Ah, the moment!

      Antoine brings a platter of fruits and treats them. Emily is helping herself.

      Emily. Is it possible to resurrect this happy free life of mine?

      Antoine. Why not? May. Life is yours! It's up to you to decide what to do with it. If you want, become happy, if you want, unhappy, if you want, alternate! Whatever you want. Everything happens in this world, everything is possible, everything happens.

      Emily (flirting, under the blue eye after the cognac). Well, maybe you and I… hmm?

      Antoine looks at Emily a little sarcastically, but kindly.

      Emily (coming to her senses). Heck! Why did you pour it for me? Do you see what is being done? You did it on purpose, didn't you?

      Antoine. Come on,