The Way of the Wall Street Warrior. Dave Liu

Socks

      Now that you have your self-worth in order, it's time to deal with the superficial—how you look. You should have already researched enough about the companies where you're interviewing to have a pretty good idea about how people dress. Dress to impress, and by that I mean, mimic. Remember, we're basing this on concepts like initial impression and affinity bias that explain why people tend to hire people who are like themselves. So if you're interviewing at Google and you wear a three-piece suit for the interview, they'll either think you're an insurance salesman or someone just died. Conversely, if you show up in jeans and the latest James Perse T-shirt at Goldman Sachs, they'll either direct you to the plants that need watering or someone will call security to have you escorted out.

      Therefore, dress accordingly and appropriately.

But then again, inappropriate can work, too. At Jefferies, I interviewed more than a thousand candidates. In all that time, I remember one person who didn't wear any socks. Obviously weird, but he did stand out. We referred to him as “No Socks Guy.” He had all the necessary qualifications and we were all set to make him an offer, until at the end of the day, we asked him, “Dude, why aren't you wearing socks?” He just said, “I forgot to pack them.” That dropped him in our estimation. If you come in with a black eye, you don't tell people you walked into a door. You saved a child from a 7-foot-tall kidnapper. Sockless guy should have told us they were stolen, or a bear got into his sock drawer, or he gave his pair to a homeless person just before entering the building. His answer had us worried he wouldn't pass the Cleveland Airport Test. “If I was stuck in some God-forsaken backwater hellhole like the Cleveland Burke Lakefront airport (not even Cleveland Hopkins International—they have a couple of good restaurants), would I want to have a frappé with this clown at the local McCafé?”

      Here are a few more quick tips about your appearance:

       Be someone who the interviewer could visualize being part of the team.

       Dress like your interviewers, but not better. No senior bankers want to see you with the Business Class version of their Economy outfit.

       Bring an extra set of casual clothes (e.g., Banana Republic, J. Crew) for after-party or socializing activities. Nothing will make you look more like a tool than wearing a business suit to the hottest clubs.

       Always wear dark colors just in case you spill crap on yourself. Otherwise a nice coffee stain in the groin area of your light grey suit will be the highlight of the interview—not you.

       Wash your hands after using the bathroom.

       Bring a handkerchief in case your hands get clammy.

      On many occasions, I've used that last bullet point to my advantage. I call it the Clammy-Hand Test. As an interviewer, I'm known for asking tough questions. When shaking hands at the end of an interrogation, I've noticed a definite correlation between the sweatiness of the interviewee's palms and their propensity to lie, or at least stretch the truth. The test has never failed me, so be sure to wipe your hands clean before you shake your interviewer's hand. Nothing leaves a nastier impression than the transfer of sweat goo from your paw to my unsullied digits.

      Now that you've gotten your self-esteem and wardrobe down pat, it's time to get ready for The Show. Interviewing is just another form of dating. In the era before courtship went online, the skills honed at your local watering hole would have been invaluable in today's interview process. You would have found it second nature to stand out from the crowd and accentuate your most appealing features, diving fearlessly into the fray. Seamlessly slipping from idle chitchat into a deep soulful conversation that maximizes your appeal, you would have intuited the subtext behind every question or gesture. You also would have gotten good practice rebounding from your multitude of rejections.

      Alas, in this swipe-happy generation, many of these skills have gone down the same drain as single-tasking, civil behavior, and doing things IRL (In Real Life, for you dinosaurs). Until you figure out how to swipe right for a job, you'll have to work on your magnetic personality.

Master Half-Truths

      As we all know, life is rarely black and white; it is most often different shades of gray. Exaggeration is no different, so become an artiste. Think about how that menial summer job you had can be turned into a tour de force. Worked as a janitor? No! You were a Sanitation Engineer. Parked cars? Nope. Automotive Custodian. Got coffee? Hydration Manager. So master the power of exaggeration without lying. Half-truths are OK—politicians do it all the time—but outright lies will inevitably come back to bite you. And never, ever break the law. I don't have any tips for surviving jail.

      Here are a few exaggeration-without-lying examples that may inspire you:

Half-Truth	In Reality
Demonstrated leadership in the face of adversity	Made sure the house didn't run out of alcohol at the Super Bowl block party
Exhibited superhuman endurance	Pulled three consecutive all-nighters crushing it on Fortnite
Displayed practical ingenuity	Created Facebook apps to siphon personal information for sale to advertisers
Showed impressive teamwork	Supervised my classmates in a group study to analyze the mating rituals of rats
Had intuition in the face of adversity	Prepared for this interview by reading this book multiple times

      Exaggerating without lying is OK, but be forewarned. I know a firm that employs intuitives on their staff to smoke out the liars and cheats. These human beings are naturally gifted at reading people. So make sure whatever you say is the truth, and if it's a half-truth, make sure you can live with it. Otherwise, be prepared to get ejected out as an imposter.

COVID-19 changed the way we interact with people, but you can't let your guard down. (Just ask Jeffrey Toobin.²) Rick Heitzmann was recently conducting a Zoom interview for a senior-level job at his company. The dude was crowded in the corner of his bedroom (which, of course, is fine… . I don't want to judge!), when suddenly the door opened in the background and his wife walked in and started making his bed! Rick was appalled: “Didn't she realize her husband was interviewing for a job? I mean for God's sake, there should be some minimum level of professionalism.” Needless to say, the candidate, who was also disheveled and seemingly unshowered, did not receive an offer.

My own meetings during COVID-19 are online and it never ceases to amaze me how people nonchalantly deteriorate over time. At first, people are dressed as though they're going to church in their Sunday best, but soon the scene devolves into something from the movie The Hangover. Please have a little decorum and try to pretend you're still in the office. Remember, you're the same person who always laughed at old guys who forgot to zip up their pants after going to the bathroom. If you don't course-correct soon, one day you'll wake up and be that guy doing online meetings naked and not even know it.

Customize; Don't Compromise

      It never hurts to go out of your way and make your mother proud with a dose of “Please” and “Thank You.” Remember, it's all about making a connection with the person who's interviewing you and making yourself look good in the eyes of your inquisitor. So at the end of any interview, immediately send a thank-you email, and not a generic one. As Harry Nelis, former Goldman Sachs banker and now partner at the venture capital firm Accel, recommends, “Try to remember something