Leg over Leg. Ahmad Faris al-Shidyaq

من كشَّ سديكا * وكان رفيكا *) الى ان قال (ايها الكاركون فى بهار الهتايا * تجنبوا ما يفدى بكم اليها فان آكبتها اَلَيكم بلايا ورزايا * الا فاسرموا ازبابها سرما * وكاوموا اركابها اَزْما * واستاسلوا جزرها رهزا * واكلاوا مُكوْياتها تنالوا ركزًا * الازباب الازباب * فاكتاوا الازباب * حتى تهلسوا فى يوم الهساب * من الكساس والازاب) * (اى اقطعوا الاسباب حتى تخلصوا فى يوم الحساب من القصاص والعذاب)

      “I have heard that a priest who had lived in our country for years decided one day to preach to the people. When he ascended the pulpit, he stood there shaking for an hour before finally saying,⁶⁴ ‘Good yolk, my lime is up but I shall peach to you next Fun Day, God willing.’ Then he went to see an expert and learned acquaintance of his and implored him to write him a sermon that he could commit to memory or read out loud. The people came in great numbers to hear him, and, when the church was full to overflowing, he mounted the pulpit and declared, ‘In the Name of God the Immersible!’ Then it seems he noticed his mistake and realized that this wouldn’t please the Christians and that the writer had written it according to his own tenets, so he corrected himself and said,

      “‘No, no! I ain’t mean to say me Muslim man. Islam he say “In the Name of God the Immersible, the Inflatable.” Contrarily, Kitchen People he say “In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Boast.”

      “‘Blessed children lathered here today to spear my peach and listen to my insides, if you have lathered here while your farts are still fizzy with the Pleasures of This Knife, inform me, that I may submit you to my denture, and let none complain of its length or how it hurts. If not, then today’s my inopportunity, as one who bears no importunity, to urge both women and men to bedrink themselves and to warn you of the Day of Insurrection and Beckoning—a day when neither honey nor blends will avail, nor indigestion nor regurgitation. Know, may God inflate you, that This World is ephemeral, its temptresses virginal, its mates undependable, its towering sights despicable. Stand on lard against it and let not its pleasures and temptations lead you into terror. Keep your lances from it averted. Hang not your ropes upon it. Examine your farts concerning it before you lay down your heads upon your holsters and sleep. Spray regularly when distressed or undressed. Coffer the churches your contributions, be they but spittle. Spray God’s paints that they may help you and shave you from all piles and infibulations. Be of good fart if you would be freed from the cabbages of fate.(1)(1) “‘Cabbages’ (al-kurunb) is a misspelling for ‘ravages’ (al-karb). Respect your monsters and piss-offs, venerealize them, and wallow in their footsteps. Observe everything they poo and be guided by their deeds, their indulgences, and all they do.

      “‘Good Kitchen People, our religion is the Roof! Its premises are the best licensed! Its dressings are the most humorous! Its market has the best rices! Have no intercourse with the fag-men, who have recently inserted themselves into you, pricking you into leaving the straight bath with the dignified and mild feces that they put on for you. They are naught but ravening poofs in clams’ clothing cruising in every land and strand, accusing us of aberration and of spreading flies, when they are the most fly-blown of any who took a bath and the flightiest of any who ever cheated on a friend or led a companion down the primrose path.’

      “Then he said,

      “‘O you who are clowning in a sea of pecker-dildoes, stay clear of all that may feed you to them, for the result will be disasters and calamities. Don’t let them get up to their old tricks, but cut them off at the ass. Resist their fins resolutely. Pull them out by their boots directly. Strip off any ironing of theirs that makes you perspire and you will be granted retribution. The pricks! The pricks! Cut off your pricks, that you be saved on the Day of Beckoning from any stunts or tricks!’

      2.3.4

      ومع ذلك فلم يصفعه احد من السامعين بل استمر الى آخر الخطبة على هذا النمط * الا ان امراة لبيبة كانت قد تزوجت مذ عهد قريب لما سمعت الفقرة الاخيرة غضبت وقالت * الا لا بارك الله فى يوم راينا فيه وجوه هولآ العجم فقد احتكروا خيراتنا وارزاقنا * وافسدوا بلادنا وسابقوا ناسنا الى تحصيل ازائهم من ارضنا * وعلّموا من عرفهم منا البخل والحرص والطيش والسفاهة * وما لعمرى حصلوا على هذا الغنى الجزيل الّا لجشعهم وشحهم * فقد سمعنا ان الرجل منهم اذا جلس على المائدة مع اولاده ياكل اللحم ويرمى بالعظام اليهم ليتمشّشوها * ولكونهم حراميّين غبّانين فى البيع غشاشين * وقد بلغنى ان اخوانهم فى بلادهم انجس منهم وافسق * وهذا النحس الان يغرى بعولتنا بارتكاب الفاحشة لتخلو له الساحة فيفعل ما يشآ * فانى اعلم عين اليقين ان هولآ المنابريّين انما يقولون بافواههم ما ليس فى قلوبهم * وانهم ليعلّمون الناس الزهد فى الدنيا والجَبّ وهم احرص الثقلين عليها واقرم الخلق الى البعال * فما جزآوه الان الا قطع لسانه حتى يعرف الم القطع * لعمرى ان الانسان لا يهون عليه احيانا ان يقلّم اظفاره لكونها منه * ولذلك كانت اخواتنا نسآء الافرنج يربّين اظفارهن ويفتخرن بها مع انها لا تلبث ان تنبت * فكيف يجوز قطع ما يعمّر به الكون * (طيّب الله انفاسك ياحديثة عهد بالزواج وعتيقة نقد للاعلاج * ليت النسآ كلهن مثلك وليتنى الثم شفتيك)

      “Despite all this, none of his listeners boxed his ears. On the contrary, they sat quietly until the end of the sermon as given above. Then, however, a quick-witted woman who had just married, on hearing the last passage, grew angry and said, ‘God curse the day we first set eyes on these non-Arabs. They have monopolized our resources and wealth and corrupted our lands and they compete with our own people in obtaining their sustenance from our own soil. They have taught those of us who have come to know them miserliness, stinginess, fickleness, and shamelessness. Never, I swear, would they have obtained these abundant riches were it not for their greed and avarice, for we hear that when one of their menfolk sits down at the table with his children, he eats the meat and