Barry Loser: I am Not a Loser. Jim Smith

Girlz', which is a completely unkeel name in my opinion.

      'Yeah,' said Donnatella. 'Nice shotingtons.' They put 'ingtons' on the ends of their words as well, which is also unkeel.

      'Er, Darren, we're trying to do our TV show?' I said, all shaking out of anger.

      'What's it called? Loseroid City?' he said, and everyone laughed again including Bunky, which I couldn't believe because it was so unfunny.

      'No, it's called Darren's Face is All Crocodiley and He's Fat from Too Many Fronkles,' I shouted back.

      'No need to be so horrible, Barry Loser,' said Sharonella, and everyone in the crowd said 'yea-eahh!' even though it was Darren who'd started it, not me.

      'I've had enough of this!' I shouted and ripped myself out of my costume, storming off with everyone watching and saying how much of a loser I was, Bunky included.

      Granny Harump-adunk

      Ever since the whole Vending Machine Mum thing I'd been trying to work out how to get back to being one of the keelest people in school.

      I'd had a think for about three- quarters of a minute and used my child geniusness to its full extent and come up with a brilliant and amazing plan. There was only one person that could help me with it and that was Granny Harumpadunk.

      Mum's always saying that Granny has lots of 'issues'. At first I thought she was saying 'tissues' and couldn't work out what the big problem was. Then I realised it was 'issues', and even though I don't know what it means I kind of get that Granny is a bit weird.

      Ever since Grandad died she's been funny. If you go near his old chair she gets all angry. Not that you would go near it, because Invisigrandad is sitting there.

      Invisigrandad was my idea for making her feel better. It's his hat and glasses and clothes and stuff all puffed out with newspaper. It's pretty lifelike, apart from it doesn't snore and do massive burps.

      For someone who misses someone so much she's still pretty grumpy with him.

      'Oh Wilf, will you please stop doing those invisible blowoffs,' she said the other day, knitting a trunk warmer for an elephant she's adopted by post, while me and Bunky were watching Future Ratboy on her really old TV.

      'Shhh, you're ruining Future Ratboy,' said Bunky.

      'Ooh sorry, Blinky,' said Granny. 'Stop invisiburping, Wilf, you're ruining Future Ratman for Blinky.'

      She's always getting stuff like that wrong and it took me about twelve hours to explain my genius plan to her, but by the end of Future Ratboy she'd got the idea.

      'Leave it to me, Barry!' she said and I put my hand up to high five her and she grannykissed it.

      That's how I came to be walking to school wearing this bright yellow knitted woollen nose.

      Barry Fakenose

      'You look like an idiot!' said Bunky.

      'Er, I look like Future Ratboy in the episode where his nose gets run over by a bus?' I said.

      'His nose was all flat and keel in that episode. Yours is fat and unkeel.'

      'Shut up, Bunky,' I said, but it came out 'Dut up, Dunky,' because of my nostrils being blocked by all the wool. I hate Bunky even though he's my best friend in the whole wide world amen.

      The first lesson was Science with Mr Hodgepodge, who has cross-eyes and a bent finger so when he points at someone it's hard to know who he's talking to.

      'What's that monstrosity on your face, Barry Loser?' he shouted, pointing at Anton Mildew and looking at Fay Snoggles.

      'It's my Future Ratboy nose!' I said, but it came out 'Dit's dy Duture Datdoy dose'.

      'Well take it off. You look like an anteater,' he said, so I took it off and put it back on as soon as he looked away, which was immediately.

      Because it was so yellow and woolly, as I looked from left to right to read what Mr Hodgepodge was writing on the board all I could see was my nose bobbling around in front of me, which I didn't mind because it blocked out my view of The Cool Girlz.

      'Ow, your fake nose is hitting my hair,' said Tracy Pilchard, which was stupid because it wasn't and hair can't hurt. 'Ow, mine too,' said Donnatella, then Sharonella said, 'Yeah, mine as wellingtons,' which I did a chuckle through my nose about because she'd said 'wellingtons'.

      'It's not funny, Barry Annoyingnose,' Darren Darrenofski shouted, and everyone laughed, even Mr Hodgepodge, then Darren burped in my ear.

      'Mmm, dat was dovely, danks Darren,' I said to confuse him, but I'm not sure it worked because of my blocked-up nose and him being thick.

      At first break I was really excited about showing off my nose to everyone in the playground so I ran out of Science. The trouble was that with it bobbling around in front of me all yellowly I couldn't see Anton Mildew's lunchbox that he'd left just lying in the middle of the hall and I tripped over it and landed right outside the girls' toilets.

      'Serves you right for hurting my hair,' said Tracy, walking past with her plastic jewellery all rattling.

      'Yeah, Sharonella's got loads of your woolly bogies in her perm,' Donnatella said. Sharonella just stood there, and from where I was lying I could look up her nostrils and see her ACTUAL bogies.

      'I thought I told you to take that nose off, Barry Anteater,' Mr Hodgepodge said in Art, where we were supposed to be drawing what was right in front of us.